| Subject: Having trouble letting go... |
Author:
Shelly
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Date Posted: 09:53:41 09/06/06 Wed
So,anyone that's kept up with my many posts will recall that my daughter's father supposidely did something 'we should be proud of' regarding his drug use. That's the most information I got out of his mother b/c he asked her not to talk to me about him anymore. I know he was gone for a few weeks so I assumed he did some sort of rehab. I now know he is back at home which is about 5 miles from me (and 1.5 blocks from my job). I have kept in touch with his best friend who told me that he is back and they have 'hung out' a few times. This tells me he is doing good as his BF refused to hang out with him when he was using. I have not received agreed upon child support in 3 months (in 12 yrs this is the first time he has not paid me). I am having such a hard time letting go...of the anger of the money he owes me, of him not seeing his daughter, of my saddness for my daughter, etc. This morning as I was getting ready for work and realized that instead of him being the first thing I thought of when I woke up -it was about 10 minutes after before my thoughts went to him. I constantly wonder if he's doing better, if he will pay me, if he will contact his daughter. My thoughts shift from thinking it's better this way-no ties, no contact...to hoping he contacts me, he is healthy and not only pays me, but will express regret and sorrow for what he has put me and his daughter through. I can't really explain what I am going through except confusion on my feelings. I want to know how he is -but then I don't. I want him to contact me -but then I don't. Each day I think of the things he is missing out on with his daughter growing and just entering 7th grade -how much he has missed of her life, how hurt she is over his abandonment, how confused she is about his drug use. I do all I can for her emotional well-being, but there is only so much I can do. To top it off, she told a friend in confidence about her dad's drug use and now all of her friends know (Jr. High gossip). She is now not only hurt by him, but now embarrassed by his choices too.
While at our local store the other day I thought that I saw him. I began shaking terribly and even after I realized it wasn't him, I was shaking and sick to my stomach. I threw up outside of my car b/c my stomach immediately was sick. I have prayed, I have asked GOD to guide me, yet still he is always, each day, all of the time in my thoughts.
Why can't I just let go? Why can't I just write him off and be done with it? Why is he constantly in my thoughts? What is it about me that is hanging on when he obviously has let go -of our relationship but more importantly-of his relationship with his daughter? Why am I so darn tied to this?
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