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The one who likes David
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Date Posted: 18:22:20 02/22/03 Sat
In reply to:
sgboy
's message, "Ask Dr. Gene" on 18:17:02 02/22/03 Sat
Dear Dr. Gene,
I've been in the army for a little over 2 years now. Throughout the tough 26 months, I've successfully kept my sexuality well under wraps from my camp buddies. While my knees did went weak for quite a few guys in camp, the temptation has never gone beyond just a few furtive glances. Fortunately enough, whenever we got posted to separate units at the end of the course, my crushes fade away as I break contact with them. That's until David appeared...
I was in the second phase of an Officer training course and David, who crossed over to the Officer training from Specialist training just joined the rest of us. David was a tall 1.78m fella with a smooth tanned complexion. He has a rather mature look despite being only 21. His sparkling eyes caught my attention immediately -- like all the guys that I've fallen for at first sight -- he's no exception.
I've managed to keep my emotions in check and even tried to convince myself for quite some time that I don't really like him. But alas, all things changed when we went Taiwan for exercise.
David was my group leader. Under his leadership, we successfully completed all the exercises. On the second night of our topography course, we took shelter under a zinc-roofed building with white florescent lighting. We were alone in the cold harsh night. Perhaps that made me felt vulnerable and glad to know that David's with me. That gave me a strong sense of security -- then and there, I told myself, 'You like him!'
That sort of liberated me. For the first time in my life, I could come to terms with the feelings of falling for a guy. While it may not be anything great but at least I could finally say "Yes, I like David!" But I'm in no illusion. Almost as quickly as I could face my feelings for him, I also felt the strong disappointment. For reality is harsh. It would be impossible between us -- coz well, it's the army to begin with, but more importantly he has a steady girlfriend of 4 years. Besides he's also my section commander.
And because he's in my section, I couldn't run away from him. There's simply too much interaction between us. We almost literally ate, bathed and slept together. The sight of him filled me with much warmth but it was matched almost immediately with a strong dose of despair. In a way I was both happy and disappointed to see him.
Fortunately or unfortunately, all my topography exercises are grouped with him since it's better to work with members whom you are familiar with. Even though we "knew" each other, throughout the time we spent together I put on a very cold front. David on the other hand tried to melt the ice. He wanted to be my friend.
In an effort to put him off, I told him that to be my friend he would have to pass my "Test" first. Even though he's not gay, he insisted that he is definitely eligible to be my friend. I told him we'll see, and when the time comes I'll give him the "Test" to decide. I thought it's best to do so after our commissioning.
So for the next seven months, we carried on with our lives. For the most part, I still kept my feelings for him. In truth, I wasn't intending to give him the "Test". Deep inside me, I knew he could not be my friend. Why? Because I like him. And like all those before him, I didn't maintain contact with him after our commissioning. By doing so, I was hoping that I would forget him -- someone whom I like a great deal and who also wanted to be my friend.
Three months and 10 days later, I suddenly decided to message him to congratulate him for attaining his khaki beret. That led me to ask him out... out for the "Test".
He took it pretty alright, considering the fact that he's quite a down-to-earth person. He told me I am still his friend. Nevertheless, I was traumatised!! I had expected the opposite: that he would be so freaked out that he'll walk away like any other typical Singaporean male. But he didn't! I would rather he did! I don't know how to handle a friend whom I like so dearly and is able to accept me for what I am.
Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I suppose anyone would in a situation like mine. However, things start to turn bad. After that meeting he didn't returned my messages even after 3 days... So I messaged him again to ask if he was prepared for the second test -- that I like him. He was quite evasive... saying he has to meet his girlfriend and whatnot... I dunno... I think he REALLY couldn't take it...
What can I do? I just feel like digging a trench, burying myself inside and never want to contact David anymore. But at the same time, there's this strong feeling inside me: that I really want to tell him I like him, even though I wasn't expecting anything from him. Though I would be very lucky if he's bisexual. His negative reaction really disturbs me. Now I'm not in the mood to do anything. I'm still feeling very bothered about him. I guess I was too naive to think that I'll get a positive reaction from him.
Considering all that has happened after I came out to him, I guess I am not being too dogmatic to have no hope whatsoever on the general male Singapore population to be sensitive and understanding towards someone queer.
The one who likes David
Dear The one who likes David,
Thank you for writing.
It sounds as though your friend is trying his best to let you down easy. He accepts the fact you are gay. If I were you, I'd leave it at that. If you push, you may end a friendship.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gene
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