Author:
Young and Confused Boy
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Date Posted: 20:35:07 03/01/03 Sat
In reply to:
sgboy
's message, "Ask Dr. Gene" on 18:17:02 02/22/03 Sat
Dear Dr Gene,
I have been with a couple of guys now, and went into committed relationships a couple of times. But up till now, there's always this dispute inside me, Love versus Sex.
The situation is this. My current boyfriend told me that he wants to go out to look for fun with other guys, a.k.a. ONS (one-night stand). I personally don't do this myself, because I believe in commitment, but I would have ONS with guys only when I'm not attached, and single. He told me that for a relationship it is essential to do this for both partners, or else both parties will get bored of each other.
What is worse is he suggested threesome before, me, my boyfriend with his ex-boyfriend or another friend. Now he even want to pull me along when he knows I won't agree to him having fun with guys alone.
I did ask a few matured gay men about this matter... and I got really mixed responses like, it's all right for your boyfriend and you to do it, and extremes like "WHAT!?" So I don't know whom to listen and what I should do. Sometimes, he give me the impression that he wants to be with me because of my emotional security and stability, and not because he loves me. Sexually, he might not be satisfied with what I can give him.
I would really appreciate it if you can give me some pointers and enlighten me a little. Thanks!
Young and Confused Boy
Dear Young and Confused Boy,
Individualism is just that. Being an individual. Whatever turns you on may not turn another person on. And if you feel uncomfortable doing something, then don't do it.
Being gay is no different than being a heterosexual. I believe the gay world is more open than the heterosexual world, in that, we communicate better with the ones whom we are with.
I can only relate to you what I do and how I handle situations somewhat similar to yours. It doesn't mean it is right or even suitable for you.
I am in a relationship that started two years back. We certainly love each other, however, we also allow and encourage each other to have sexual relations with whomever we wish. At times, we have had so-called threesomes. We do not look upon this as cheating.
Has it affected our relationship? Yes, in a positive way. We are so open with each other and communicate so well, we have no secrets. Is there a chance that by doing this one of us may fall in love with another? Yes, however, there is always the chance of that anyhow, and we would rather be open about it than to do it on the sly.
We have friends who have been in relationships for over ten and twenty years, and it seems those relationships are very much like ours. It is looked upon as, "Love is one thing, sex is another."
Confused still? O.K., let me explain a little more. The feeling of love is when you can't stop thinking about the person who is in your life. As I stated, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. At present, we hope that relationship lasts until death do us part. There is nothing we would not do for each other.
There are times when we go for quite a while not having sex, or saying to each other, "I love you." We needn't say the words, for we know that action speak louder then words. We miss each other terribly when we are apart for a while and we can't wait to see each other again.
However, during those periods when we're apart, we do have sex with others. Even when we are together we will have sex with others. We meet new people, but immediately tell about it. We introduce our new friends to each other, however, when we meet new friends, we tell them about ourselves, so there is no misunderstanding as to how our love and lives are and we do not consider ourselves free to develop a relationship with the new-found friend.
We don't wish to be free of each other. Just being near each other is comfortable, just knowing the other is there is gratifying enough. Our friends know of our relationship and many of them are jealous of us for it. It is what works best for us.
You must find what works best for you. What works for me, may not work for you, and may even be prohibitive for others.
You want a monogamous relationship. Your boy friend does not. At least he is being honest about it and not seeing someone behind your back. Look at it from the bright side. How lucky you are compared to those who vow to be true, then have illicit relationships.
If such a formula isn't for you, then end it. Find someone whom you think you can have a monogamous relationship with, someone with whom you can trust and go from there.
As for whom you should listen to, listen to your heart. Best of luck to you.
Sincerely,
Dr. Gene
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