12-17-2002 -- What's On Ians' Mind.

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Subject: 12-17-2002

Author:
Ian Line

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Date Posted: 01:01:22 12/17/02 Tue

Things are getting better. im learning to ignore the minor things and focus on the major things. but some of the major and minor things mix together.

Anyway im building my life up again. Geeesshh, how many times in such a short period of time can this happen. Everything is going fine and then blam everything has fallen and your left in confusion. Then some how you see the big picture again nad gain hope and faith and start to rebuild again.

What do you rebuild on? How do you rebuild? These are questions you must ask yourself when you begin this process. Are you deceiving yourself in thinking your building it on the right things when really you are building it on things that will crumble? interogate yourself in every angle to help prevent failing again and again.

I see myself building on the wrong stuff already. I need to get straight with God adn build on God alone. I must build my full self on God. If I build my self on God and a little bit of myself on some girl or a life style. Then that small thing can break my whole entire foundation. The straw that broke the camels back.

I want to get straight with God but I it seems God can't let me. I know what reason this might be. A mistake I ask to be forgiven. It is a grey area to where I ask people and they don't give the answer to the question I ask. In the anger of my mom passing I blammed it on God. Cause he could have healed her. I caught myself saying that I hate God adn then i immediatly say to myself "what am I talking about I can't hate God". So I ask for forgivness and I don't feel like it has been lifted from my shoulders. Could I have commited the unforgivable sin? If so then I have no reason to even try to live for God. If so then my nightmare of me being the anti-christ just might be true. But how can I be the anti-christ when I love God and want to be with him? The only way for my heart to turn evil is if God has cast me away from him. That would make one hate God and be jealous of all the others who go to heaven. This can not be me, it will not be me. Doomed to a destiny that you did not ask for. I was thinking about the anti-christ and how he would feel to be doomed to hate God and go to hell for all eternity. Created by God and not able to be with the one that created him. I ask God for forgiveness for saying tht I hated him for what he ahs done. Cause that was out of the time being anger, that sadness of having one kept from you. I can't hate God, he created for a reason a good reason. Not to bring the end of time on earth but to bring Godly people into this world and long for his love and preach to the nations. Yet the fear and anger of the what if is still in me, and probable never will leave all the way up until the moment I die and I know that I know that I have a place in heaven with God.

I want to get my life completly straight with God. My mouth has been saying things it should ahve been saying. My mind has been thinking things it shouldn't be thinking. My eyes have seen things they shouldn't be seeing. It's about time that I need to get on a straight path adn stay on that straight path. I know that it is going to be many times harder than it has ever been now that I am making this decision. Chances are im going to fall and scare my knees a little but im going to get back up and keep trying.

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Replies:

Subject	Author	Date
Re: 12-17-2002	Fenix	03:39:59 03/02/03 Sun