| Subject: 12-9-2002 |
Author:
Ian Line
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Date Posted: 01:55:51 12/09/02 Mon
Shit shit shit, all I hear about is shit. Useless, meaningless, fruitless, don't want to hear about it shit. People don't like people because of not communicating or because someone thinks of something a different way. "Christians" they are, playing this game called church. "It's in my heart" one says. Yet you talk like any other person who knows "bad language". I see whats in your heart, it's what's coming out of your mouth. "Not moving my direction and my pace, sorry then we can't be friends" he says. "Look at them over there in their group" one says to another. "All of them, thoughs are all the ones we hvae disconnected from our group" laughing as he says to the other. Shit shit shit more shit that is meaningless, exhult yourselves in the seperation from friendships that were strong. Exhualt yourselves in thoughs you curse and put down. Assholes, bastards, sons of should I say more. Does it make you feel better to hurt someone? I know it would make me feel better, for a short time. Enjoy ruthless talk about another you so called 'friends'. Am I next? I want to disconnect myself from your cycling system, but I can't cause I don't want to hurt you. Yet you continue to hurt me by hurting others. I want to say something, but it's meaningless to you. It's nothing, "Ian you don't understand", "Ian you don't know whats going on". Yes I know whats going on, you tear each other apart from each other to let the enemy have easy pickings at you. My faith in God has been torn because of the people and eviorment 'I put myself' in. I know God is real, I know he loves me, I know all this stuff. Yet my faith in wanting to believe is weak, temptations that are strong come, language of the past flows from my tounge, hate runs in my blood, anger lerks in my mind, fear of the physical and mental hurt are no longer. A beast I am becoming. I must get away before I transform into what I do not want, what my mom did not want, what was destined for me to become. Faith that can change destiny, weak faith deteriating from within. False foundation, a mask that is of what I was made for covering what I got rid of. I want help but I don't care what happens. "This will make you or break you", one said to me. I said "it will make me". The truth is, it's breaking me into crumbles of useless, meaningless, almost faithless piece of shity trash in such a beautifull world. Blending in with my suroundings.
Why do people like me around when I say stupid things and act stupid. I haven't gotten an answer thats meaningfull. An answer from this group that i surround myself with. Why does it even matter. Lost inside, don't know who I really am. Thought I knew who I was, but people change daily. Feelings change on the second, thoughts change with feelings, actions follow thoughts that follow feelings. Searching in all the wrong places I know. But they seem like it would bring answers, it's good enough for now.
God doesn't seem to watch over this one anymore. Prayers unheard of, help needed but ignored, need to pass something from my shoulders but never taken. Faith slowly wearing away. Asking 'why?' Pissed of about everything, sick of games with people. I just want to get real with someone. Everyone seems to nod their heads and say "wow that really sucks, sorry can't really help you" or "keep pressing in". I think "press into a wall built by God?" I don't remember ever building a wall between God and I. I remember not hearing or feeling or receiving help from him anymore. If God him self is going to stop loving me you feel like a worthless piece of shit thats waisting away that should not have been mad or even thought of. A miricle that my heart beats or lungs breathe, mercy and pitty for this soul that is no longer loved. I given my life in commitment to him. Did I play the game too fast? Am I not a challenge to get? I feel like im playing the freaking dating game with God. "Oh I like you, well I don't know maybe, ummm your no fun anymore". If I commit my life to God and he doesn't accept me and i die, where do I go? He don't want me here on earth so what makes me even think the thought that he will want me in heaven with him and my mom. Ill keep trying to press into the one and only true living God even if he doesn't want me, cause I want him. If he decides to have me back again he better tell me out loud and blaten, cause I want to be sure that im sure that he's sure he wants me. Cause people on earth obvieously just want to play games with God and their friends. NO ONE WILL GET SERIOUS AND LOVE EACH OTHER!!! Like the beatles song, "love is all you need". We don't know what love really is with out God in us. I want love in me, cause hate is taking control, worldly love is creaping around me. God needs to act now before this one falls into hates boney hands and more regrets that are harmfull to himself.
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