Re: The Sliver Of Glass -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 15:13:36 02/17/04 Tue
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB08a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.170
Subject: Re: The Sliver Of Glass
In reply to: AGS 's message, "The Sliver Of Glass" on 21:55:35 02/16/04 Mon

I found this magical Al.

In the first stanza:

'That pail of gold beneath your crown
so cherished, of ivory white
though sifted parts enamored round
does flow the miseries nights'

it would match the rhyme scheme better if you changed the last line to ... misery night.

Also you have changed the pattern in the later stanzas - was this intentional? - as I think the rhyme pattern you used in the first two stanzas works better with the style of this piece? Go on, you can tell me to mind my own business again *grin*.

R

>That pail of gold beneath your crown
>so cherished, of ivory white
>though sifted parts enamored round
>does flow the miseries nights
>
>Or tossed said he around you be
>very blessedness of the stare
>in woven times submit the rhymes
>and glass of windows clear
>
>Sought there to see those chimes of thee
>sweet hallowed in the ring
>a tender gold cannot be sold
>shall usher in that tree
>
>And longest drop from up the top
>her leaves that flow the ground
>and please there feel that broken seal
>ignites the flowers sound
>
>Soft inner bell, it wails it tells
>the glories ring and where
>and up on skies the birds to fly
>the soundings to resound
>
>A shattered moon of earth and gloom
>and clouds all bunched in circles
>the rain to fall and time on all
>still sounded glass as symbols

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Replies:

Re: The Sliver Of Glass -- AGS, 06:24:28 02/18/04 Wed
- Re: The Sliver Of Glass -- Raphaela, 09:14:00 02/18/04 Wed