Re: One I almost binned, any input welcome, or should I trash it ? -- The Poetry Workshop

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Date Posted: 14:25:36 01/21/01 Sun
Author: Highlander
Subject: Re: One I almost binned, any input welcome, or should I trash it ?
In reply to: Rafa�l 's message, "One I almost binned, any input welcome, or should I trash it ?" on 08:03:48 01/15/01 Mon

Hi Rafael,
I�ve just read this piece for about the fourth time, I think a bit of punctuation on the last stanza (see the word cant...should of course be can�t..but then you knew that anyway). The poem itself is built on a great subject, I would suggest don�t throw this away in the bin at any cost, it is a great piece, you are sending out the right signals..very strong first stanza! Great words with compact to grab the reader...second stanza is a sad note but you put this out like the first s and like I think, a little bit of puncto to wrap up a great piece of work is all that is required to make a perfect strong message on a great subject...could I make a few suggestions about Friday night at the chasm??? I shall post you on this to artzy...see ya amigo...Highlander X

>
>By the time these words meet
>a full stop,
>while you pause
>for breath
>how many children
>have stopped breathing?
>
>Great many who were born
>H.I.V. positive
>short lives denied
>a future
>while we stand back
>for silence of their cries
>
>The world continues to turn
>you carry on
>reading the words
>with thought
>because that�s how it is,
>when you cant see it coming

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Replies:

Re: One I almost binned, any input welcome, or should I trash it ? -- Rafa�l, 17:33:16 01/22/01 Mon
- Re: One I almost binned, Titled and punctuated, any input ? -- Rafa�l, 08:51:06 01/23/01 Tue
  - Re: One I almost binned, Titled and punctuated, any input ? -- Highlander, 12:30:26 01/23/01 Tue
    - Re: One I almost binned, Titled and punctuated, any input ? -- Rafa�l, 15:08:28 01/23/01 Tue