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Date Posted: Fri, Apr 16 2004, 21:22:33
Author: ANavyBrat
Subject: Re: Anothing @#$%ing Sue named Sakura!
In reply to: Wandering Namek 's message, "Anothing @#$%ing Sue named Sakura!" on Fri, Apr 16 2004, 20:23:34

I don't know a thing about the Dragonball Z universe. I'll admit that up front. Thus, don't expect any comments about OCness, because I really can't tell. Now, with that out of the way...

I'll give her this much credit: Her grammar's not bad. Not great, by any means, but better than the multiple run-on sentences and lack of capitalization and punctuation that is so common among fangirls. Her grammatical errors are perpetrated by the general populace, e.g. "sleeping sound" rather than "sleeping soundly." That, and she believes in paragraphs. A grand two steps above the rest. Especially since, judging from her profile, English isn't her native language. Extra brownie points.

Now, for the characterization...

"'Mother'"? "'Father'"? "'HIM' and 'HE'"? I mean, really now... Half the fun in reading a story is figuring out the character, getting into the character's head, predicting what's going to happen. Or maybe that's just me and my Sherlockian talking. Making common titles like that stand out is a turnoff. Making pronouns stand out like that is... a little absurd. The reader's not stupid. Let him figure out what's going on for himself. Drop hints. Not water-filled balloons.

Bweep! Bweep! Bweep! Instant Sue alert! "I'm different." Uhh... we all are, dear. That's what makes life interesting. That followed by the "Oh, hon, you're from a different planet. Unfortunately, that planet got blown to smithereens" is an enormous red flag. Can we say Clark Kent?

Then that 'HIM' and 'THEM'. I'm not saying you have to name your characters. You can refer to your characters using pronouns all you want. But, for the love of Pete, no capitalizing pronouns unless they're at the beginning of the sentence or the pronoun is in reference to God.

All in all, Sue-ness aside, it's a readable story, readable meaning that the formating and grammar is such that you don't want to claw out your eyes in frustration. She's a relatively knew member... maybe there's hope for her?

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