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Date Posted: Mon, Apr 12 2004, 10:56:31
Author: Hellfire04
Subject: My own Mary Sue spoof, South Park style.

I'm considering posting this to FFN for a laugh. Tell me what you all think.

Hellfire04
-------------------------------------

Disclaimer: South Park was created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, and is currently the property of Comedy Central. This story is written for entertainment and educational purposes only and no money is being made.
Rating: PG-13 for bad language.

Mary Sue in South Park

Scene One
(Children enter the classroom)

Mr. Garrison: Now today children, we’re going to learn about how Barbara Streisand used the triangles of Astoroth to transform herself into Mecha Streisand…
Kyle: Yea it was like last year.
(Cartman throws a roll of toilet paper at Mr. Garrison)
Mr. Garrison: Eric did you just throw toilet paper?
Cartman: No it was Kenny.
Garrison: Very Funny, Kenny’s dead.
(Stan puts up his hand)
Garrison: Yes Stanley?
Stan: Where’s Mr. Slave?
Garrison: Mr. Slave has a touch of constipation and won’t be in class for a while, which is why you’ll give a warm welcome back to Mr. Hat.
Butters: Gee whiz.
Garrison: I’d also like you to give a warm welcome to the new student Mary Sue.
(Mary Sue flicks her hair)
Mary Sue: Hi Boys.
(Boys look at Mary Sue then at each other)
Garrison: Well, aren’t you going to say Hi to Mary Sue, you know she loves to make a grand entrance?
Boys (in monotone): Hi Mary Sue.
Mary Sue: Hey! You supposed to give me all the attention in the whole wide world, because I’m just perfect you see?
Stan (looks at Kyle): Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Kyle: I know dude, this chick is scaring me already.

Scene Two
(Later on that Lesson)

Garrison: Now I hope you all did your homework, please pass your papers up to the front.
(Cartman is pretending not to hear)
Garrison: Eric, did you not do your homework.
Cartman: Well I did, but then fluffy peed all over it.
(Whole class starts laughing)
Garrison: I’m sick of your lame excuses Eric. You either get me that paper by tomorrow or Mr. Hat will be very angry.
(Mary Sue hands her paper to Mr. Garrison)
Wendy: HEY! How can Mary give in her paper, she only enrolled in class today!
Mary Sue: Because I’m perfect, and have lots of psychic powers. I can write real fast too.
Wendy: What?
Mary Sue: You should all love me…
(She points at Stan)
Mary Sue: …especially you, because you’re cute.
Wendy: Leave my boyfriend alone you bitch-ass weirdo.
Mary Sue: Mellow out Wendy, or are you afraid that you’re not good enough. I’m easily the most beautiful girl he’s ever met.
(Wendy sits with a pissed off expression on her face, half screaming with anger)
Garrison: Wendy would you like to sit in time out for a while?
Wendy: No.
Garrison: Well then be quiet and stop calling Mary horrible names.

Scene Three
(In the canteen at lunchtime)

Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: Hey there children, how’s it going?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: There’s this new girl in school, and she’s a total weirdo freak.
Chef: Oh children. You shouldn’t dislike someone just because they’re new. Here you go, let me sing you a song about when I met someone new…(chef starts singing about one of his previous girlfriends)
Kyle: Um…Chef?
(Chef continues to sing)
Kyle: CHEF!!!
Chef: Oh, sorry children. You just need to accept that she’s here to stay. Get to know her; she’s probably not all that bad.
Cartman: But Chef she has all these weird powers, like handing in a paper that was assigned like last week, and she only joined class today.
Stan: Cartman, you’re just jealous because you never hand in your homework, and when you do you get no higher than a D.
Cartman: Screw you hippie.
Stan: Just get your lunch lard butt.
Chef: I can’t help you with magic people children, now run along and eat your food.
(The boys sit at their usual table and Mary Sue attempts to sit with them)
Cartman: Mary, can I give you some advice?
Mary Sue: What?
Cartman: You’d better stay away from Wendy.
Mary Sue: Nobody tells me what to do!
Kyle: You can’t sit here: Wendy will kill you.
Mary Sue: Stan should go out with me.
Stan: Jesus why?
Mary Sue: Nobody says no to Mary Sue, meet me at Starks Pond after school tomorrow.
Stan: Okay then.
Mary Sue: YIPPEE.
(Mary Sue wanders off to sit with Pip and Timmy)
Kyle: Stan, are you like completely insane?
Stan: No, I just stood her up.
(Cartman and Kyle look at him weirdly then laugh)
Stan: You didn’t actually think that I was going to go did you?
Cartman: No, we just like scaring you.
Stan: Thanks a lot you fat fuck.

Scene Four
(Later on at Stan’s house)

Sharon: Hey kids, come in. Stanley, your father and me are going out now to do the shopping, Shelly’s in charge and don’t forget to feed Sparky.
Stan: Okay mum, laters!
(Mr. and Mrs. Marsh leaves the house)
Shelly: You’d better behave Stan!
Stan: Oh stop bothering me Shelly.
Shelly: I swear I’ll kill you if you don’t let me listen to my Britney Spears!
(Shelly goes upstairs and Stan turns the TV on)
Kyle: Hey dude, isn’t that special episode of Terrance and Phillip, you know like the one we’ve been waiting for supposed to be on next.
Stan: I think so.
Cartman: Stan, you got cheesy poofs?
Stan: Yea in the kitchen.
(Cartman fetches them and starts eating just as the commercial break ends)
TV: And now, we have a special feature length movie of Terrance and Phillip featuring Mary Sue.
Stan: WHAT! We were supposed to see Terrance and Phillip with Pippi Longstockings.
Kyle: Jesus Christ! This is worse than the time they featured the underpants gnomes.
Cartman: Holy Shit, since when did that weirdo chick star in a movie.
Kyle: Since she became miss perfect.
Stan: Dude, this is a whole lot worse than we thought.
(Telephone rings and Stan answers)
Stan: Hello.
Butters: Hey Stan, have you seen Mary Sue on TV.
Stan: Yea, no wonder she’s such an asshole.
Butters: Gee Whiz, can we come over?
Stan: Whose we?
Butters: Clyde, Craig, Token and Tweek.
Stan: Yea, and get Wendy and Bebe too, Mary Sue must be stopped.
Butters: Jesus why?
Stan: Because she’s a self important idiot whose taking over the world.
Butters: Really – oh no!
Stan: No not really, but she is kind of annoying.
Butters: Okay.
(Tweek’s voice can be heard going on about it being the end of the world)
Stan: Before you go Butters just one more thing.
Butters: What?
Stan: Don’t give Tweek any more coffee for the next half hour.

Scene Five
(Ten minutes later)

Kyle: Dude come in.
(About half the class walks in)
Timmy: TIMMY!!!
Stan: Shhhhh, quiet Timmy, or Shelly will get real pissed.
Timmy (much quieter): Ta-Timmy.
Stan: Anyway guys, I know this is kind of short notice, but we have a problem, a huge big problem.
Kyle: The problem is called Mary Sue, how do we defeat her?
Wendy: Well, if we just bitch at her she just comes back even worse.
Clyde: Yea I mean you were mean to her earlier and now she’s on TV.
Terrence Mephesto: Yea she’s probably gay.
(Terrence’s friends start giggling and agreeing with him)
Cartman: Anyway, I say we go find her and kick her bitch ass outta here.
(Shelly comes down the stairs like a bat out of hell)
Shelly: Who said that?
(She notices all the kids in the front room)
Shelly: You will all keep quiet or I swear I’ll get so pissed.
(She goes back upstairs)
Stan: Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions?
Tweek: Maybe we could kill her, before she gets us first! Jesus this is way too much pressure.
Bebe: If we do that then the whole universe will mourn. I mean she’s already taken over the celebrity world – right? If we kill her then things might just get a whole lot worse.
Kyle: How could they get worse?
Bebe: Trust me, if we do that then it will. How about we try to contact somebody whose dead for advice.
Cartman: Yea, we could ask that poor piece of crap Kenny.
(Mr. and Mrs. Marsh come back in)
Sharon: Did you remember to feed Sparky?
Stan: No, but I got all my friends over.
Sharon: That’s nice Stanley. Oh and did you see Mary Sue on TV, isn’t she wonderful. There are posters of her all over the shopping mall; I even brought her newest autobiography in the bookshop today. Isn’t it great?
(Kids give each other weird looks)
Stan: We’re going out to play now mum, see you later.

Scene Six
(Walking over to Cartman’s house)

(Kids see Mr. Slave walking down the road)
Mr. Slave: Oh, hi kids, did you see the Mary Sue cartoon yet. It’s impressive.
Stan: No, we just saw her on Terrence and Phillip.
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ.
(Mr. Slave walks off towards Mr. Garrison in the background)
Kyle: Dude it’s like everywhere we go, people think she’s just so cool. Maybe she’s a witch and has cast a weird spell over everybody.
Stan: Can we undo that spell?
Tweek: Man, this is way too much pressure, first we were going to solve the problem, and then we were going to contact dead people, now we’re getting into magic…. AHHHHHH!!!!
Cartman: Tweek listen, you find us the solution and we’ll be nice to you forever and give you cheesy poofs and pie, fail and we’ll kick your goddamn ass you crazy son-of-a-bitch! There, does that help take the stress off?

Scene Seven
(At Cartman’s house)

Cartman: Mum, have you got some cheesy poofs?
Leanne Cartman: Yes Eric, and these cheesy poofs have a picture of Mary Sue on them. Isn’t she adorable?
(Kids look around the front room, pictures of Mary Sue have appeared out of nowhere)
Cartman: Mum?
Leanne: Yes Hon?
Cartman: When did you put these posters up?
Leanne: Today when you were playing with your little friends.
Kyle: This is too freaky let’s get out of here.
Cartman: No, let’s see if there’s anything good on TV first.
(He switches TV on and the news is on)
TV Reporter: And today’s top story is brought to you by a midget in a bikini, so Midget, what’s happening today in Northern Colorado?
Midget: A brave little girl called Mary Sue rescued a drowning police officer in South Park when he was hit on the back of the head with a kettle and fell into Starks Pond. Also Mary Sue sales in supermarkets have hit an all-time high today, cornering over ninety-nine percent of the market. It seems that the consumer won’t buy anything unless it has her name on it. I wonder: how did we ever live without her. Now back to you in the studio Tom.
Reporter: Thank you Midget.
Cartman (going red in the face): I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!
Kyle: This is so unfair.
Clyde: Then how do we solve the problem, if we kill her then world will mourn forever, and if we try to shut her up everyone else’ll demonize us.
Stan: I don’t know, but we have to think of something quick.

Scene Eight
(The following morning at the bus stop)

Crabtree: HURRY UP WE’RE RUNNING LATE.
Kyle: Yea whatever you screaming old cow.
Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Kyle: I said that I’m stressed so I’ll scream the place down.
Crabtree: Oh.
(Kids get on the bus)
Mary Sue: Hi boys.
Cartman: Go away Mary, nobody likes you.
Mary Sue: YES THEY DO, I’M A CELEBRITY.
Stan: A celebrity with a bad attitude problem maybe.
Mary Sue: You boys are just evil.
(She throws a temper- tantrum and goes over to the other end of the bus)
Stan: Dude, she’s really starting to bug me.
Cartman: Yea, she’s a hippie, and hippies piss me off.

Scene Nine
(In class)

Garrison: Let’s welcome back Mr. Slave, he was ill yesterday but Mary Sue made him all better again. Isn’t that right Mr. Slave?
Mr. Slave: Yea, Jesus Christ.
Garrison: Now today children, counselor Mackey is going to take the class, explaining to you all why it’s bad to annoy Mary Sue.
(Cartman jumps out of his seat)
Cartman: Suck my balls!
Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behaviour mmmkay. You have to explain yourself; you have to learn to respect your teacher’s mmmkay.

Scene Ten
(In the playground)

Kyle: This is so unfair, I mean even our classes are about Mary Sue.
Wendy: I think that Cartman was right; we should ask Kenny what to do.
Stan: Yea but how?
Cartman: We could ask Mystic Meg.
Kyle: Cartman, that’s one of the dumbest things you’ve ever said. Mystic Meg is so out, it’s just not cool. How about we make an ouji board then we can summon Kenny.
Bebe: Okay, let’s draw one in the snow.
(Bebe gets a pebble and draws one)
Wendy (closes her eye and concentrates): With the power that comes from this ouji board I summon our dead friend Kenny.
(Kenny’s ghost appears above the board)
Kenny (muffled): Hi guys.
Cartman: Kenny, you’ve got to tell us how to stop Mary Sue, she’s taking over the world.
Kenny (muffled): All you have to do is realize that she’s not real.
Kyle: What?
Kenny: This isn’t the real South Park, and we aren’t the real people, we’re characters in somebody’s story.
Stan: What do you mean we’re not real?
Kenny: None of this is real, and that means that she isn’t real either, tell her that and she’ll disappear, then it will all go back to normal.
Kyle: But what happens to us, if we’re not real.
Kenny: This story will end.
Wendy: Will we vanish?
Kenny: Yea.
Cartman: Kenny, you poor piece of crap!
Kenny: Shut the fuck up lard butt, you’re totally gay and a fatass!
Cartman: Don’t call me fat you son-of-a-bitch.
(Kenny disappears)
Wendy: Nice going Cartman, you pissed him off, now we’ll never know what to do.
Bebe: Hold on, he told us to tell her that she’s not real. We should try it, I mean if this is just a story then it doesn’t matter if we disappear or not.
Butters: Gee Whiz!
Tweek: AHHHHHH!!! This is way too much pressure!
Clyde: Oh crap!
(Mary Sue walks over)
Mary Sue: What are you all staring at?
Bebe: Mellow out, you’re not real.
Mary Sue: Don’t talk bullshit.
(Mary Sue looks at her hands)
Mary Sue: AHHHHH!! Oh My God! I’m fading away! You bastards!
(Mary Sue vanishes completely)
Cartman: Hey, we’re still here, that must mean that Kenny was trying to trick us into keeping her here. The asshole!
Stan: What’s been up with Kenny since he died, he used to be cool and now he sucks.
Craig: Let’s watch TV at Token’s house later.
Token: Why?
Cartman: Because you’ve got a TV a meter wide in your bedroom, and we want to watch it.

Scene Eleven
(Later that day in Tokens house)

(News is on)
TV Reporter: It seems that the little Girl Mary Sue vanished into thin air today and police are on a door-to-door search trying to trace her steps. Since the incident earlier today sales of her merchandise have plummeted, leaving other assholes to corner the market once more.
Cartman: YES! Everything is back to normal you guys!
Kyle: So it all turned out right after all. I think we’ve learned something today: being the coolest character in a story makes you the most annoying one too.
Stan: Yea.
Cartman: I love you guys.
(Stan and Kyle look at Cartman strangely)
Cartman: Screw you guys I’m going home.
Kyle: Laters Stan, I’d best get back now.
Wendy: Stan, thank you for not going out with Mary Sue. Maybe we can kiss now.
(Stan barfs on the floor)
Wendy: EEWW Gross!

THE END.

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