Date Posted:08:58:50 11/19/10 Fri Author: Fi Subject: Re: A little something from Chapter 2...>>> In reply to:
Page2
's message, "A little something from Chapter 2...>>>" on 22:09:58 11/15/10 Mon
You've done a great job of getting into James' state of mind and the screwed-up-ness of his life. Flaws make the character, as I've said before :) Seren comes across like a parent or a frustrated spouse; that's not a bad thing, if you meant him to be like that. I'm definitely wondering what happens next.
Some minor nitpicky points below.
>Her crestfallen, hurt face was lost on him
I'd leave out the "hurt" as it's implied by "crestfallen".
>His hands shook as he rubbed his temples and walked into his room.
He's already in the room at this stage.
>He was famous now, riding high and living the good life.
>“Listen to me James. You were the victim of your
>father’s abuse, but it doesn’t have to continue.
>Stop the madness. Get off this crazy train now and
>start over. Once you used to listen to me. Did I
>ever steer you wrong? Listen to me now. Get out
>before it’s too late. You’re on the wrong path.
>These people you’ve surrounded yourself with, they’re…”
This speech came across as a bit repetitive to me, particularly when Seren says "Listen to me" twice. Not sure James would let Seren speak for so long without interruption.
>You’reYour headaches…”
>“Are caused by you and you’reyour incessant chatter at me
>“Oh James, when will you learn?”
End with question mark.
>He used too
Delete extra "o"
>John was only using him
>as his meal ticket. James was still being abused
>albeit just a different way.
I'm tempted to say "show, don't tell" about John. I want to see John and what he's doing to James. But you may have shown this elsewhere.
>Angel. Seren hadn’t forgotten that much. He couldn’t forget Angel; if he did, he and James were doomed. James to the
wraiths, and himSeren - his spirit would cease to exist.
I got confused for a moment about which "him" you were talking about, so I'd suggest to include Seren's name again.
As usual, your mileage may vary and you can take or leave what I say!
>You've done a great job of getting into James' state
>of mind and the screwed-up-ness of his life. Flaws
>make the character, as I've said before :) Seren comes
>across like a parent or a frustrated spouse; that's
>not a bad thing, if you meant him to be like that. I'm
>definitely wondering what happens next.
>
Hi Fi,
Thank you for the crit. I posted it as a rough draft, flaws and all. I didn't catch that Seren said listen to me repetitively in that one paragraph (3x). Clean-up in Chapter 2 - LOL.
Seren is a bit like a parent when it comes to James. I think that's why they argue alot. :-)
Big John is described (I think - hmm will have to go look now).
Overall, I'm just looking to find out if the story gels. I am not editing at this point. Just trying to get it out. I can add/delete/re-write/fluff/pad it up down the road. I will save these notations for when I reach that stage because you are spot-on.
Sometimes I feel like I am rushing the story to fast due to NaNo count, but I figure at the end when I'm reading I'll know what needs to be beefed up and fixed.
Thanks again Fi. Much appreciated. I'm sure I'll be posting again soon.
