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Date Posted: 09:32:23 07/26/10 Mon
Author: Page2
Subject: Re: Lost and Found
In reply to:
debikm
's message, "Lost and Found" on 08:52:29 07/24/10 Sat
Wow.. sniff sniff. Both those stories are so beautiful. Great writing ladies. Tender and sweet. I'm such a sucker for romance. :-) Can't wait to read more from both stories.
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FOUND: A little something I cooked up the other night - not sure if it will become a full story yet - still working on plot and whether I want to stay in 1st person. Holds promise and is on back-burner while I write horror. >>> -- Page2, 12:24:18 07/26/10 Mon
Intro: SEREN'S ANGEL
I’m sure when he was born his eyes were gray, but at age two, they were what they should be, a crystalline blue. A shade so light that one felt compelled to look, to see if the irises held any color, then one became mesmerized, almost hypnotized by the stare. But not me, I knew what it meant and was immune. His parents called him James. A simple, common enough name but there was nothing simple or common about him. Of course, they didn’t know that, but I did. I was sent here to find him.
My quest is simple: spin a dream and catch a soul. Dreams are easy; sometimes even fun. Catching souls isn’t. I’ll admit it, I hate it. But, it comes with who I am. My name is Angel. I’ve been around for thousands of years, watching, spinning and catching. I’m a dream weaver and a soul catcher. To young James, I’ll inevitably be his friend or his worst nightmare. Of course he could surprise me and be different than the others. I hope he is. I want to believe.
The mystics assure me James is different. He’s the one. That this is Seren. The one I have been looking for. They are sure of it. I have my doubts. Seren has been elusive to find. I’ve spun way too many dreams then captured the souls only to find they were middler’s or worse, one of the no-goods. Always impossible to know until the last dream is up and you’re catching the soul. Middler’s are spirits that are learning but haven’t truly progressed. No-goods, well they are what their name implies, spirits who are no-good, evil if you will.
The great battle is coming. Seren needs to come home and train the new souls. Long ago he shined brightly amongst us, a pure heart, enlightened mind with powers that reigned supreme but his spirit desired something else. He wanted to become human and learn. I knew Seren well – too well – I begged him not to leave. The trials and tribulations of being human would change him, I said. He claimed he’d be back even more enlightened. I’ve been searching for his soul ever since.
Now, I sit in this dingy restaurant looking through the eyes of a deceased middler, and watch young James. The signs are there: the trademark eyes, the crescent moon birthmark on the hand, even the way he holds himself. Two-year old human’s babble, make messes, shriek, run and giggle amongst other things. They do not sit complacently in a high chair and people watch.
Were the mystics right? After all these years, could it really be Seren? I observed the child while I slurped my coffee. It could be him. The aura surrounding James was quite bright. I wonder if the child can see me through these middler’s eyes? If it was Seren and he remembered her then recognition should show in his magnificent eyes. There’s only one way to know for sure, I thought as I scooted out of the booth and stood.
The family sat at the back of the restaurant, near the bathroom. If I could maneuver past this one waitress, the child should see me for sure. Drawing near, the child turned and cast a glance at me. Hmmm, his aura colors changed when he noticed me. James is smiling. The skin in the corners of his eyes and lips crinkle as I stand near. Kneeling down I peer into the depths of his crystal eyes; it’s him, the mystics were right. Would his auld power work? Could he still speak with his mind, I wondered. “Seren is that you?”
Two events occurred then. One, the child put his hands to his ears and began to shriek; and two, the wraiths were here. I felt the extreme drop in temperature and their evil filth permeated the room. If they were here, that could only mean one thing - James and I were in trouble.
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Re: FOUND: A little something I cooked up the other night - not sure if it will become a full story yet - still working on plot and whether I want to stay in 1st person. Holds promise and is on back-burner while I write horror. >>> -- Debi, 13:02:45 07/26/10 Mon
>Intro: SEREN'S ANGEL
>
>
>I’m sure when he was born his eyes were gray, but at
>age two, they were what they should be, a crystalline
>blue. A shade so light that one felt compelled to
>look, to see if the irises held any color, then one
>became mesmerized, almost hypnotized by the stare.
>But not me, I knew what it meant and was immune. His
>parents called him James. A simple, common enough
>name but there was nothing simple or common about him.
> Of course, they didn’t know that, but I did. I was
>sent here to find him.
>
>My quest is simple: spin a dream and catch a soul.
>Dreams are easy; sometimes even fun. Catching souls
>isn’t. I’ll admit it, I hate it. But, it comes with
>who I am. My name is Angel. I’ve been around for
>thousands of years, watching, spinning and catching.
>I’m a dream weaver and a soul catcher. To young
>James, I’ll inevitably be his friend or his worst
>nightmare. Of course he could surprise me and be
>different than the others. I hope he is. I want to
>believe.
>
>The mystics assure me James is different. He’s the
>one. That this is Seren. The one I have been looking
>for. They are sure of it. I have my doubts. Seren
>has been elusive to find. I’ve spun way too many
>dreams then captured the souls only to find they were
>middler’s or worse, one of the no-goods. Always
>impossible to know until the last dream is up and
>you’re catching the soul. Middler’s are spirits that
>are learning but haven’t truly progressed. No-goods,
>well they are what their name implies, spirits who are
>no-good, evil if you will.
>
>The great battle is coming. Seren needs to come home
>and train the new souls. Long ago he shined brightly
>amongst us, a pure heart, enlightened mind with powers
>that reigned supreme but his spirit desired something
>else. He wanted to become human and learn. I knew
>Seren well – too well – I begged him not to leave.
>The trials and tribulations of being human would
>change him, I said. He claimed he’d be back even
>more enlightened. I’ve been searching for his soul
>ever since.
>
>Now, I sit in this dingy restaurant looking through
>the eyes of a deceased middler, and watch young James.
> The signs are there: the trademark eyes, the crescent
>moon birthmark on the hand, even the way he holds
>himself. Two-year old human’s babble, make messes,
>shriek, run and giggle amongst other things. They do
>not sit complacently in a high chair and people watch.
>
>
>Were the mystics right? After all these years, could
>it really be Seren? I observed the child while I
>slurped my coffee. It could be him. The aura
>surrounding James was quite bright. I wonder if the
>child can see me through these middler’s eyes? If it
>was Seren and he remembered her then recognition
>should show in his magnificent eyes. There’s only one
>way to know for sure, I thought as I scooted out of
>the booth and stood.
>
>The family sat at the back of the restaurant, near the
>bathroom. If I could maneuver past this one waitress,
>the child should see me for sure. Drawing near, the
>child turned and cast a glance at me. Hmmm, his aura
>colors changed when he noticed me. James is smiling.
>The skin in the corners of his eyes and lips crinkle
>as I stand near. Kneeling down I peer into the depths
>of his crystal eyes; it’s him, the mystics were right.
> Would his auld power work? Could he still speak
>with his mind, I wondered. “Seren is that you?”
>
>Two events occurred then. One, the child put his hands
>to his ears and began to shriek; and two, the wraiths
>were here. I felt the extreme drop in temperature
>and their evil filth permeated the room. If they were
>here, that could only mean one thing - James and I
>were in trouble.
I like this premise, a LOT. I'm a big fan of the Apocalyptic, end-of-times stories and this has an interesting twist. The only thing I would suggest doing differently is when you describe the middlers and the no-goods, to include the description as you name them rather than go back. Maybe something like "I’ve spun way too many
>dreams then captured the souls only to find they were
>middler’s, spirits that
>are learning but haven’t truly progressed, or worse, one of the no-goods, evil if you will." The image of this baby with the old eyes is delightfully creepy and I really think you're on to something here. Can't wait for more!
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Holy Mary, Mother of God! Steph, this is fantastic! >>> -- 
Page, 23:57:53 07/30/10 Fri
All I can say is MORE! MORE! MORE! This drew me in from the very first line, and when I got to the end I was like, "NO! She can't stop there!"
Btw, I love the child's name. (But then, you knew I would, right?)
So, post more, okay?
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A weird child and a soul catcher, I love it >>>> -- Fi, 11:35:58 08/09/10 Mon
Opening with the eyes - original and intriguing. The soul catcher, the aura, the unchildlike behaviour - gimme more!
I did find the 3rd and 4th paragraph dragged me out of the scene, though. We already know that there is something unusual about the child and the watcher, so this is information that the reader doesn't need right now. Plus you mention the mystics in the 6th paragraph, so this makes it a bit repetitive. Hook 'em and keep 'em wondering a bit longer. I'd suggest ending the 2nd paragraph with "I want to believe that this is Seren, the one I have been looking for." And then delete the 3rd and 4th paragraphs. As usual, this is your story and you can ignore this advice if it doesn't fit.
In some cases, you've misused apostrophes to show a plural rather than a possesive. For example, "Middler’s are spirits" should be "Middlers are spirits", unless it's a "middler's something". Same with "Two-year old human’s babble".
Hope this helps. Did I mention that I love those crystal eyes?
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