Re: Found! >>>> -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 01:51:39 07/28/10 Wed
Author: Cheryl H. (Nervous)
Subject: Re: Found! >>>>
In reply to: Page 's message, "Found! >>>>" on 18:05:12 07/25/10 Sun

Hello Juli,

I'm a newbie here in Lollybrock, so I'm a bit nervous. I enjoyed your excerpt...very nicely done. I'm not a writer, but I do love to read. Personally, I really like details. (Probably why I love DG's books :) I smiled when you described the "Tulane University T-shirt". Not just any ol' shirt, but one I can picture in my mind. Good choice.

Two things for consideration...

1) "But she�d fucked all that up with her stupid pride."

I think this sentence needs more around it. It feels like the summary of an inner conversation. Maybe a less direct route to the real reason behind her actions.(Of course, this may be in another section.) Maybe something like...
"But she'd fucked all that up. What a stupid thing to do. And for what? Nothing more than her senseless pride." Sorry if that's corny, but you get what I mean. A bit more inner dialogue.

2)"It lay over the arm of the couch where she�d tossed it
upon returning from work, and she rushed across the room to throw it on."
I think "after work" sounds less formal than "upon returning from work".

These are my only thoughts. Keep up the great work!

Cheryl H.

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[> [> [> Welcome Cheryl! --

debikm, 06:28:30 07/28/10 Wed

>I'm a newbie here in Lollybrock, so I'm a bit nervous.

Don't be nervous! We don't bite...hard ;-)
Writer or reader, you're welcome here any time.

Debi

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[> [> [> Welcome to the Lit Forum, Cheryl! >>>> --

Page, 23:48:47 07/30/10 Fri

We're so glad to have you here! Feel free to jump right in, and don't be nervous.

Thank you SO much for reading my excerpt! It's a first draft, and very rough, so I really appreciate your suggestions for when I start cleaning it up and polishing it.

You're spot on about Sherry's gaffe being in an earlier scene. The minute she hung up the phone she knew she'd said everything in exactly the wrong way and that he took it wrong, too. That's where she does the majority of beating herself up over it although she hasn't stopped much in the intervening months.

Again, we're glad you're here!

Hugs,
Page

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