Date Posted:21:25:45 05/09/10 Sun Author: Paige2 Subject: Re: Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal. In reply to:
Promise
's message, "Okay, here goes...my first submission for your perusal." on 18:40:09 05/08/10 Sat
Hi Promise,
I am the other newbie here that Deb spoke about. :-)
I just read your post and Deb's review. I agreed with everything Deb said. I was all set to make corrections, etc. but found that Deb beat me to the punch (TY Deb), so all I can give you is my impressions as a reader.
Your story holds much promise (just like your name). The way you ended it was like 'Wow didn't see that coming'. :-)
The beginning was very vivid. However, the sentences were rather long. Also, there was alot of information in the first couple of paragraphs to take in all at once. I'm not sure if a reader is going to remember it - but you didn't lose me.
I applaud you in your attention to detail, I could definitely visualize the setting, felt like I was right there with them crunchin/stomping through the brush. Can't wait to read more. Great writing!
I *think* right now I'm caught between wanting to get the bit I've written so far "perfect" (or as much so as possible) and moving on and just getting more of the story down. I'm guessing you know what I mean by that?
I had not thought previously about long sentences being a problem, but since several of you have mentioned it, I guess it's something I'll need to work on. Unfortunately, that's kind of my style up to this point and it's going to be difficult to alter.
