First, let me just say that the research you've done shows beautifully. You've given me a real sense of time and place with this excerpt.
Also, this isn't a genre I'd normally read, but you've piqued my interest, made me already care about these characters and their situation and have left me thirsting for more. To do that to a reader who usually skips the fantasy section of the bookstore is super! Well done!
Oh, and one more thing: You need to post a copyright with your name, and a disclaimer that your excerpt is for critique and/or sharing only and does not constitute publication. (Just check out some of the other excerpts posted for examples.) Although none of us is going to nick your work, this is an open board, available to anyone on the web, so it's best to cover your bases. That said, on to the crit:
>Gebicar’s thoughts drifted like the motes lit by the
>shaft of late-afternoon sunlight that broke through
>the dense forest canopy above as his feet carried him
>across the rough terrain, his arms reaching
>automatically to move aside brush, branch and bramble. This is a mighty long sentence. Although I love the imagery of his thoughts drifting like the motes - so well-written! - and his pushing aside the foilage, the brain gets kind of lost processing it all at once. I think if you break it into two shorter sentences it will read stronger.
>His body was long accustomed to the rigors and dangers
>of the harsh terrain, and, outwardly, his attention
>appeared to be fully occupied by his environment, but
>his deeper mind was left unencumbered. Although he’d
>been hardened to quickly covering long distances afoot
>as a young boy, he’d never gotten truly comfortable
>with the mindless tediousness that a journey of any
>length always entailed. The impatient boy had grown
>into a man of swift decision and immediate action,
>curtailed only by the limits imposed on him by man—and
>he frequently stretched those to their breaking point
>and beyond. And yet his men followed him
>unwaiveringly unwaveringly —battle after battle, raid after
>raid—carving out their place in the land, marking this
>bit of earth as their own. First alongside his father,
>and now on his own, Gebicar was determined to widen
>and strengthen his people’s hold on this land to which
>his great-grandfather had brought them.
>
>They were the Burgundars, and they were forcing the
>other tribes to make room for them in this rich land
>between the three waters. The cost had not been small,
>but there was glory awaiting those who fell in battle
>in the halls of Valhöll (or among the angels of
>heaven, if you were one of the new Christ-men). And
>while there was never actual peace between them, their
>relations with the Suebars to the West, the Rugiars
>and Gepidars to the North, the Gothars and Venedars to
>the East, and the Lugiars to the South, was largely
>one of trade. At least these peoples lived much as his
>own did, unlike that curious tribe, the Romars, whose
>people they occasionally encountered. He’d heard it
>told that their jarl claimed to be a god and ruler of
>the whole earth! The Romars, themselves, those that
>he’d met, seemed to be no more than men, though queer
>in dress, manner, and speech. He’d seen them fall,
>mortal as any other man and he’d seen they required
>food and drink and were susceptible to the evils of
>too much mead and the charms of woman, same as any
>other man. And besides, their small bands appeared too
>infrequently for them to be of much concern. The
>weather, the land itself and the other tribes around
>them, the ever present threat of starvation and
>disease, whatever it was the Norns chose to weave into
>the fabric of one’s life—those were the immediate
>concerns that lived at the edges of one’s
>consciousness.
>
>In addition to defending against raiders from other
>tribes and leading raids into the lands of those same
>tribes, as he, and his band of warriors, made the
>circuit of the current borders of their lands, from
>the Wistla to the Odra, he secured not only their hold
>on the land, but the loyalty of his people, as they
>came to him with their problems and petitions, and he
>collected tallage and recruited new warriors. These
>were the duties of a jarl—in his person was justice
>and judgement. And yet there was one duty left undone.
>One that his father had wanted to see fulfilled before
>his death—which came quickly following a wound taken
>just three years ago in a raid against the Suebars—and
>which is mother reminded him constantly.
>
>Not that he hadn’t sired a handful of bastards—any
>virile young warrior had at least a by-blow or two—but
>all but one of them (those he knew about anyway)
>hadn’t survived beyond a year or two and the one
>remaining was a sweet and pretty girl that he doted
>upon the few times he’d seen her. A son and heir is
>what he needed—many sons. He knew that lesson well—all
>his brothers, older and younger, having died before
>manhood or not long after. Life was hard. Children
>died. It was just the way of the world. These three paragraphs are all backstory, and placed here are an info dump. It dragged me away from pushing through the brush with Gebicar and took me out of the story. I would suggest cutting them. How to weave backstory in is something I've struggled with myself, so I sympathize! While I realize these paragraphs contain information we'll need to know later, you can weave it in later in different ways. The tribes and peoples Gebicar battles, for example, could be worked in at a point where he's speaking with his men. Having it as part of a dialogue would allow you to show us their reactions to the traits of those "enemies," showing shudders of revulsion, maybe, or some kinds of superstition regarding the Romars. His duties as a jarl can be shown, not told, in passages where his people come to him and he deals with them. While backstory is an integral part of every story, weave it into the story in different ways instead of telling it to us in a large block of words.
>The early-autumn sun’s light began to fade. The air,
>already crisply cool, took on a sharper chill. At the
>bottom of a rise, near a rivulet, Gebicar came to a
>stop. Turning to his companions, “We’ll stop here
>awhile,” he announced, “I’ve a need to s---.”
>
>“Shall I start a fire?” asked Eberhart.
>
>“’Tis, nearing dark,” Búi observed. “Perhaps we should
>set up camp,”
>
>“I’ve a mind to sleep indoors tonight, in a proper
>bed, with a proper bedfellow. How much further to your
>keep, Baldür?”
>
>“In good light and fair weather at least a half day’s
>brisk walk. The path beyond this stream is mostly
>uphill, with many loose rocks.”
>
>“Ah, well, I suppose I’ll have to settle for another
>night of rough sleep with your farts for company,”
>Gebicar called over his shoulder as he made his way
>into the brush.
>
>The men laughed and began to unload their gear,
>talking and joking amongst themselves as they set
>about the making of a rough camp, refilling water
>skins, walking a few yards into the woods to s--- or
>p--- and bringing wood for the fire upon their return.
>The youngest men of the group quickly set about making
>a fire and getting water boiling, tossing into pots a
>few handfuls of grains, some dried fish and salt-pork,
>a bit of bitter greens gathered from the side of the
>road. Those lucky enough to capture small game along
>their day’s trek, set about skinning the carcasses and
>setting them to roast over the fire, spitted on
>sharpened sticks of green wood.
>
>
>Later, they sat around the fire, passing around the
>skin of mead and picking their teeth with bones. The
>last of the pottage had been scraped from the cookpot
>and if every man was not filled to his satisfaction,
>they at least had something warm in their bellies,
>which was more than all most? folk could say at night. Tired
>from the day’s travel, but not yet ready to sleep, the
>conversations and jokes continued, punctuated by
>belches and farts and the occasional rasping sound
>followed by a hiss from the fire as a man coughed and
>spat into the flames. “Tell me, Baldür,” said Gebicar,
>“has your sister fairly grown into a woman, then?
>Answer me truthfully man, for I’ve pledge pledged to you
>already that I would have her.” I'd suggested changing this to "I would wed her." You've done a beautiful job of showing these men are warriors and giving us a sense of their actions and attitudes, so "have her" is a little ambigous to me. Especially in light of how he finds her later, to know that he intends to marry her is stronger.
>
>“Truthfully, I cannot tell you,” Baldür replied. “I
>have not seen the girl myself in six years, since she
>was but a girl of 10 and you know well how they are at
>that age, all legs and arms and freckles.” At this all
>the men round chuckled. “She has been fostered with my
>uncle, who has two daughters of a similar age since
>the death of our mother. This reads a bit like the daughters were born since the death of their aunt. Maybe start it out, "Since the death of my mother, she's been fostered with..." I’d wanted to bring her back
>to be a companion to my wife when I married, but I’m
>afraid my uncle has spoiled her and she would not
>leave her cousins.”
>
>“Would not, ay? What kind of man, is he, your uncle,
>that he allows a maiden to disobey her brother?” Búi
>called from the other side of the fire, laughing and
>elbowing his neighbors.
>
>“A good and kind man who has cared for his sister’s
>daughter as if she were his own, with no thought to
>recompense from his nephew,” Gebicar said, standing
>with one arm holding back Baldür, who had risen, knife
>and fist drawn, tensed to leap across the fire at Búi.
>
>Careless of the anger steaming off of Baldür, “Even
>so, it’s a poor thing when a maiden is allowed her own
>way,“ Búi answered, turning from his neighbors to
>Gebicar, “and what if she says she will not be having
>you? As like to take a Valkyrie to your bed as an
>unwilling woman, as well you know. You’re like to be
>sleeping in your marriage bed alone.”
>
>At this, Baldür slipped past Gebicar’s grip and
>launched himself upon Búi, knocking them both back
>into the darkness beyond the light of the fire. Grunts
>and blows and the crackling of leaves and snapping of
>twigs could be heard as the two men grappled, their
>efforts rolling them further into the underbrush. The
>other men turned back to the fire, exchanging stories
>of their own encounters with thorny women. I love how the men just ignore them! “Don’t
>mind him,” Eberhart said, handing the skin of mead to
>Gebicar and clapping him upon the back, “You know he’s
>been bitter ever since his wife decided not to risk
>again the childbed and makes him sleep on the floor
>with the dogs. Besides,” he added, as Gebicar handed
>the skin back to him, “what maid wouldn’t want to be
>the wife of the Jarl?”
>
>
>Morning crept upon the forest. Gebicar’s band of
>warriors woke to the sounds of the forest waking all
>around them. Men stumbled off lean against a tree and
>take their morning p---, others drank deeply from the
>skins, swishing the liquid around to dissolve the
>nighttime scum. Bread, cheese, and sausages were
>brought to hand as packs were loaded back up and the
>remains of the fire scuffed out. Baldür and Búi,
>keeping clear of one another, moved gingerly, cuts and
>bruises from their scuffle showing livid upon their
>faces, hands and arms. Búi’s tunic was cut through in
>several places and showed dark and stiff with dried
>blood. The left leg of Baldür’s leggings was rent and
>he wrapped a length of cord around it to hold it
>closed. Despite the ferocity of the conflict, they’d
>managed not to kill each other, for which Gebicar was
>very glad. Not only were both men good friends and two
>of his fiercest fighters, he didn’t want to have to
>waste time setting out by having to dig a grave. Their
>belongings gathered, the men set out, easily crossing
>the rivulet with a giant step, breaking their fast as
>they went. Too early for conversation or song, the
>band was silent except for the sound of footfalls on
>detritus and undergrowth, the occasional curse as a
>rock turned underfoot, and the farts and belches that
>accompany any group of men.
>
>Not an hour had passed before the ground began to
>change and the men found themselves working steadily
>uphill. The grade was not steep and yet the going was
>slow, as Baldür had warned the night before, the
>ground was littered with large, loose stones. Fully
>warmed and awakened now by the effort of keeping pace,
>bits of quiet conversation floated back and forth
>amongst the men. Gebicar, however, remained silent,
>his mind occupied by his dreams from the night before.
>More troubled by Búi’s comments than he cared to
>admit, his dreams had been haunted. He’d gone
>repeatedly to his bridal bed, and each time there’d
>been a new horror waiting—a wolf, a bear, a troll—each
>one devouring him as he attempted to bed his fiendish
>bride. He’d awakened in the night, drenched in sweat
>and breathless. Fearful of the dreams returning, he’d
>relieved the man on watch and kept himself all the
>rest of the night.
>
>Perhaps because of the dreams, or perhaps it was only
>the nervousness all bridegrooms feel, he was no longer
>in any hurry to arrive at Baldür’s village. He gave
>instructions to his men to hunt any large pray prey they
>came upon along the way, saying he wanted to arrive
>with a large gift of meats for the upcoming bridal
>feast, knowing full well the delay this would provide.
>He was relieved when, about mid-morning, the fresh
>spoor of a boar was spotted.
>
>[add in here the hunt of the boar]
>
>
>Late that night, the men approached the village, the
>boar strung between two stout poles, born borne on each end
>by three men. Exhausted, but their blood still up from
>the hunt, then men were eager for food, ale, song, and
>the bed of a soft woman, and they weren’t so
>particular about in which order these things came.
>Baldür instructed the men carrying the boar to hang it
>from the tree next to the storage hut, to keep the
>village dogs from the carcass, while he and Gebicar
>went to his own house.
>
>She was on the floor, in the space cleared of rushes
>before the fire’s hearthstones. On her hands and
>knees, her naked breasts swinging as the man behind
>her bucked and thrust. Her face was obscured, her
>mouth filled with the c--- of the man before her,
>sliding back and forth along its length in rhythm with
>the pounding from her other end. The skin of all three
>was reddened with effort and excitement and glistened
>in the firelight. The men grunted and groaned. The
>woman moaned around her mouthful of flesh. There was
>wet sound of skin smacking and then a slurping,
>sucking sound as the woman drew the phallus from her
>mouth. Rocking furiously back into the man behind her
>she threw back her head and yelled, “Yes! Yes! Pound
>my c---!” Turning her head to the two stunned men in
>the doorway, her eyes heavy and unfocused with
>passion, she said “I’ve only the three holes, but I’ll
>f--- you two blind as soon as the two here are
>finished,” and turned back to working with her mouth.
>
>Baldür burst forward, grabbing the girl by the hair,
>dragging her away from the two men, while at the same
>time, bashing each man in turn upside the head with a
>club of wood, knocking them cold. The girl was
>screaming and clawing at him. Gebicar stepped forward,
>grabbing hold of her wrists and twisting her arms
>behind her back. The girl stopped screaming and spat
>in Baldür’s face. Baldür slapped her hard, twice.
>Stunned, the girl was still for a moment. His eyes and
>veins bulging, his face and neck empurpled, and his
>breathing heavy with rage, he grabbed the girl by the
>chin, his fingers digging into her cheeks and made her
>look him in the eye.
>
>At this moment, another woman, this one modestly
>dressed and heavy with pregnancy appeared in the
>doorway, accompanied by a three year old girl, whom
>she quickly shoved behind her skirts. “Baldür! What-”
>Before she could say another word, the naked girl went
>rigid with shock. Without letting go of the girl’s
>face, Baldür turned to Gebicar and said, between
>clenched teeth, “Gebicar, this is my wife,
>Amalasuintha,” nodding his head towards the door, “and
>our daughter, Blodueyn, and this” turning his head
>back to glare at the girl between them, “is my sister,
>Dagmær.” Ah, the blushing bride. *G* Can't wait to find out how Gebicar reacts to this!
Overall, this is very well-done. It draws the reader in, gives a sense of time and place, and the characters are very well developed! I'd suggest cutting down some of the longer sentences, tightening them up and making them read stronger. You have some lovely imagery here, but most of it deals with the terrain. I'd like to see more about the characters; what they're wearing, how long is their hair, do Gebicar's eyes flash green fire, or blue, or does their normal brown turn tawny when he's angry, etc.
And seriously - what's he gonna do when he finds out Miss Pound Me is his intended bride???
First, let me just say that the research you've done shows beautifully. You've given me a real sense of time and place with this excerpt.
Thank you. It's good to hear that all the hard work I've done so far has been worth it. Most of it *has* been interesting, but some stuff I've had to slog through...IYKWIM.
Also, this isn't a genre I'd normally read, but you've piqued my interest, made me already care about these characters and their situation and have left me thirsting for more. To do that to a reader who usually skips the fantasy section of the bookstore is super! Well done!
*blush* Thanks! I'm trying to do more of a historical fiction slant on this, although the source material, were it written today, would be classified as fantasy. I hope that doesn't make it difficult to get published.
Oh, and one more thing: You need to post a copyright with your name, and a disclaimer that your excerpt is for critique and/or sharing only and does not constitute publication. (Just check out some of the other excerpts posted for examples.) Although none of us is going to nick your work, this is an open board, available to anyone on the web, so it's best to cover your bases. That said, on to the crit:
Unfortunately, I didn't think of that until after I'd posted and I couldn't edit. I will absolutely do that on future postings.
These three paragraphs are all backstory, and placed here are an info dump. It dragged me away from pushing through the brush with Gebicar and took me out of the story. I would suggest cutting them. How to weave backstory in is something I've struggled with myself, so I sympathize! While I realize these paragraphs contain information we'll need to know later, you can weave it in later in different ways. The tribes and peoples Gebicar battles, for example, could be worked in at a point where he's speaking with his men. Having it as part of a dialogue would allow you to show us their reactions to the traits of those "enemies," showing shudders of revulsion, maybe, or some kinds of superstition regarding the Romars. His duties as a jarl
can be shown, not told, in passages where his people come to him and he deals with them. While backstory is an integral part of every story, weave it into the story in different ways instead of telling it to us in a large block of words.
Yeah, I'm having difficulties with this. One good thing about a first draft is that in part it serves just to get everything out of your head and onto "paper". :0)
The other problem is that Gebicar's story itself is in large part "backstory" to the main events of the novel. You know how fairy tales start out "Once Upon a time, in a land far, far away, then king and queen had a baby girl"? Well, I'm not starting there, I'm starting w/ the king and queen, because what happens to them sets up what happens later. But I don't want to spend 1/3 of the novel on them. I can't, there's too much that happens later.
For now, I think I'm going to leave this part as it is and edit it out/down later as I have other places to incorporate the info. Hope that plan makes sense?
Overall, this is very well-done. It draws the reader in, gives a sense of time and place, and the characters are very well developed! I'd suggest cutting down some of the longer sentences, tightening them up and making them read stronger. You have some lovely imagery here, but most of it deals with the terrain. I'd like to see more about the characters; what they're wearing, how long is their hair, do Gebicar's eyes flash green fire, or blue, or does their normal brown turn tawny when he's angry, etc.
Looking back, I realize that that is seriously missing. I can clearly picture them in my mind, so I guess I made the classic error of assuming the reader could, too. Bad me! *whips self with wet noodles*
I really need to sit down and write out my character profiles. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while. Having this first bit so well-received here has given me the encouragement I needed to really set my nose to the grindstone.
And seriously - what's he gonna do when he finds out Miss Pound Me is his intended bride???
Honestly, I've been thinking more about how Baldür reacts. I have no idea what Gebicar's next move is. :D
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