Date Posted:20:48:06 05/12/10 Wed Author: Promise Subject: Re: Whoa nelly! What an ending! In here >>>> In reply to:
Page
's message, "Whoa nelly! What an ending! In here >>>>" on 11:07:26 05/12/10 Wed
First, let me just say that the research you've done shows beautifully. You've given me a real sense of time and place with this excerpt.
Thank you. It's good to hear that all the hard work I've done so far has been worth it. Most of it *has* been interesting, but some stuff I've had to slog through...IYKWIM.
Also, this isn't a genre I'd normally read, but you've piqued my interest, made me already care about these characters and their situation and have left me thirsting for more. To do that to a reader who usually skips the fantasy section of the bookstore is super! Well done!
*blush* Thanks! I'm trying to do more of a historical fiction slant on this, although the source material, were it written today, would be classified as fantasy. I hope that doesn't make it difficult to get published.
Oh, and one more thing: You need to post a copyright with your name, and a disclaimer that your excerpt is for critique and/or sharing only and does not constitute publication. (Just check out some of the other excerpts posted for examples.) Although none of us is going to nick your work, this is an open board, available to anyone on the web, so it's best to cover your bases. That said, on to the crit:
Unfortunately, I didn't think of that until after I'd posted and I couldn't edit. I will absolutely do that on future postings.
These three paragraphs are all backstory, and placed here are an info dump. It dragged me away from pushing through the brush with Gebicar and took me out of the story. I would suggest cutting them. How to weave backstory in is something I've struggled with myself, so I sympathize! While I realize these paragraphs contain information we'll need to know later, you can weave it in later in different ways. The tribes and peoples Gebicar battles, for example, could be worked in at a point where he's speaking with his men. Having it as part of a dialogue would allow you to show us their reactions to the traits of those "enemies," showing shudders of revulsion, maybe, or some kinds of superstition regarding the Romars. His duties as a jarl
can be shown, not told, in passages where his people come to him and he deals with them. While backstory is an integral part of every story, weave it into the story in different ways instead of telling it to us in a large block of words.
Yeah, I'm having difficulties with this. One good thing about a first draft is that in part it serves just to get everything out of your head and onto "paper". :0)
The other problem is that Gebicar's story itself is in large part "backstory" to the main events of the novel. You know how fairy tales start out "Once Upon a time, in a land far, far away, then king and queen had a baby girl"? Well, I'm not starting there, I'm starting w/ the king and queen, because what happens to them sets up what happens later. But I don't want to spend 1/3 of the novel on them. I can't, there's too much that happens later.
For now, I think I'm going to leave this part as it is and edit it out/down later as I have other places to incorporate the info. Hope that plan makes sense?
Overall, this is very well-done. It draws the reader in, gives a sense of time and place, and the characters are very well developed! I'd suggest cutting down some of the longer sentences, tightening them up and making them read stronger. You have some lovely imagery here, but most of it deals with the terrain. I'd like to see more about the characters; what they're wearing, how long is their hair, do Gebicar's eyes flash green fire, or blue, or does their normal brown turn tawny when he's angry, etc.
Looking back, I realize that that is seriously missing. I can clearly picture them in my mind, so I guess I made the classic error of assuming the reader could, too. Bad me! *whips self with wet noodles*
I really need to sit down and write out my character profiles. It's something I've been meaning to do for a while. Having this first bit so well-received here has given me the encouragement I needed to really set my nose to the grindstone.
And seriously - what's he gonna do when he finds out Miss Pound Me is his intended bride???
Honestly, I've been thinking more about how Baldür reacts. I have no idea what Gebicar's next move is. :D
