Date Posted:05:33:18 05/14/10 Fri Author: Fi Subject: Re: Word count: 1,323. Step this way >>> In reply to:
Page
's message, "Word count: 1,323. Step this way >>>" on 16:36:53 05/12/10 Wed
Hi Page,
I get a really clear picture of Sherry here. She's gutsy, able to assess a situation quickly and take advantage of it, and in posession of a healthy libido :) The only note that struck me as false was the description of her as a "cowering titmouse"; the rest of the passage makes her very un-titmouse-like.
Geoff comes across as very self-confident and laid back. I don't see his character quite as strongly as Sherry's, but that's ok at this point because we are seeing him through her eyes and she's still getting to know him.
It took me a while to determine that the "gorilla-like security goon", "the large man" and "the bewildered behemoth" were the same person. I suggest you pick one or two names to refer to him throughout.
A few places I noted that the text could be tightened with no loss of meaning:
>she was held captive by the hands of the gorilla-like security goon
>Other than her abductor, there were two more men seated opposite her in the car.
>Geoff Albright sat sprawled in glorious abandon,
>Sherry came out of her state of shock
>The soft voice with its British accent
>It was almost funny to watch how fast the smile faded from Geoff’s face.
>Hi Page,
>
>I get a really clear picture of Sherry here. She's
>gutsy, able to assess a situation quickly and take
>advantage of it, and in posession of a healthy libido
>:) The only note that struck me as false was the
>description of her as a "cowering titmouse"; the rest
>of the passage makes her very un-titmouse-like. Oh, I'm so glad you said this! It lets me know I need to work on Sherry's confusion and attack of nerves at finding herself in the presence of Geoff so unexpectedly. If she's prepared, she can handle herself, but this one hit her out of nowhere and she was spinning. Until she heard about that new album and her determination to get that interview made her forget to be nervous. But I haven't managed to convey that she was nervous. So I shall work on that!
>
>Geoff comes across as very self-confident and laid
>back. I don't see his character quite as strongly as
>Sherry's, but that's ok at this point because we are
>seeing him through her eyes and she's still getting to
>know him. Yay! Geoff is self-confident and laid back. And very, very jaded.
>
>It took me a while to determine that the "gorilla-like
>security goon", "the large man" and "the bewildered
>behemoth" were the same person. I suggest you pick one
>or two names to refer to him throughout. You're right, and I agree. He doesn't really have a name yet, and I wasn't sure how to refer to him.
>
>A few places I noted that the text could be tightened
>with no loss of meaning:
>
>>she was held captive by the hands of
>the gorilla-like security goon
>
>>Other than her abductor, there were two more men
>seated opposite her in the car.
>
>>Geoff Albright sat sprawled in glorious
>abandon,
>
>>Sherry came out of her state of shock
>
>>The soft voice with its British accent
>
>>It was almost funny to watch how fast
>the smile faded from Geoff’s face.
Thank you! Great suggestions, and ones I need since I tend to get (very) wordy!
I appreciate SO MUCH your taking the time to look this over!
Page, 13:29:37 05/23/10 Sun