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debikm debikm, 12:57:54 05/15/10 Sat
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Isn't he though? -- Debi, 12:50:53 05/18/10 Tue
>Hi Debi,
>
>More good stuff from Valerie & co. As usual, the
>following are just my suggestions, take or leave as
>you like.
>
>>There was motion, outlined by the setting sun over the
>>water, coming from the house.
>Slightly confusing. Maybe Outlined by the sun
>setting over the water, motion came from the house.
>
Good point.
>
>>the aroma of the day emanating from her clothing
>quelled the impulse.
>This seemed a bit "writery", drawing attention to the
>writing rather than the story. Maybe something a bit
>simpler, like she stopped when she smelled her
>clothes.
Guilty as charged. I'm a word nerd.;-)
>
>>Valerie sucked in a deep breath through
>her nose
>Or:
>>Valerie sucked in a deep breath through her
>nose
>
>> Valerie could hear her voice grow shrill but she
>couldn’t stop.
>Might work better if this came in the middle of the
>speech e.g.
>“First thing, Karen and Lisa called in sick. That’s
>not a problem, the stomach bug they’ve got I don’t
>want. But the kennel was a mess, so I cleaned it up,
>walked all the dogs, the usual." Valerie could hear
>her voice grow shrill but she couldn’t stop. "Then the
>first appointments started showing up. I checked them
>in, got them in the rooms, pulled their labs,
>vaccines....."
>
>>Daniel listened with infinite patience.
>How does he show this patience? Nodding, holding her
>hand, the look in his eyes?
Damn, telling, not showing again!
>
>>“Kill him.”
>Maybe be more specific, e.g. "stab him with a
>hypodermic needle" or "poison his coffee" :)
This is a possibility. Valerie can be creative when it comes to punishments she'd like to inflict. I've had the "Kill him" reply shoot out of my mouth, pretty much as a reflex, many times in my life.
>
>>His deep chuckle vibrated through his ribs under her
>>hand looped around his waist.
>I had to re-read this sentence to understand it. How
>about: Her hand was looped aroung his waist, so she
>felt the deep chuckle that vibrated through his ribs.
>
Got it! New eyes are good!
>>Nessa’s voice was breathless with excitement and
>Valerie smiled to hear it.
>
>>“Nessa, you know I love you but you’re a worrywart.
>Put your goofy husband on the phone.”
>:D
>
>>Perhaps the potential lightening of his paycheck by
>nearly ten days had some effect on his attitude.
>Not sure I understood this. Did Valerie threatened to
>fire Parker, 10 days short of his contract? Does she
>have the authority to do that, or would she need
>Alan's say-so first? And who would cover for Parker on
>such short notice?
Valerie is practice manager at this point, so she would have this authority. I could explain the structure of relief veterinary but suffice it to say that they fill while the regular doctors are gone, sort of independant contractors. If Valerie is in charge of running the practice while Alan and Nessa are gone, she is within her right to tell Parker to make like a tree if she has someone else she could get to fill in.
>
>Again, a nice characterization. Alan and Nessa are
>good for each other. Her worrying is sometimes useful
>(e.g. when she insisted that Kelly sat in the back
>seat), but Alan's calmness is a good balance for her.
>
>Fi
Thank you. These people that live in my head are real in many ways. I'm glad they translate that way to others.
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Re: New Tricks post, 1485 words. -- Promise, 01:17:43 05/19/10 Wed
The only thing I have to say is that I look forward to reading the whole shebang. Good work! :0)
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*blush* You're great for my ego! -- debikm, 08:02:42 05/19/10 Wed
>The only thing I have to say is that I look forward to
>reading the whole shebang. Good work! :0)
Thank you very much!
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*sigh* How nice to come home to a man who takes you in his arms to comfort you even when you smell like the dog that ate the trash! >>> -- Page, 14:31:28 05/23/10 Sun
>Excerpt from New Tricks, copyright 2010 Debi
>Matlack, posted for critique and sharing ourposes
>only; does not constitute publication.
>*****************
>
>Valerie pulled the car into the parking area next to
>the patio and sat there, her brain simmering with
>fury. The drive home hadn’t help calm her nerves;
>instead she’d just fumed further on the day’s events. JMHO, but the last sentence seems a little thin. Maybe adding something about how the traffic added to her frustration, or with nothing to distract her she'd dwelt on the day's events, etc. Something to let us know that as mad as she was when she left the clinic, she's ten times as mad when she reaches home.
>
>There was motion, outlined by the setting sun over the
>water, coming from the house. This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Maybe start out with the setting sun outlining motion coming from the house? Daniel had Kelly by the
>hand, approaching the car. A small part of her brain
>urged her to put on a smile for them but the aroma of emanating from her clothing quelled the
>the day
>impulse. The attempt to stop grinding her teeth met
>with only mild success. As she opened the car door and
>stepped out, Kelly halted in her tracks.
>
>“Uh oh, Aunt Valerie had a bad day.” Observant child! *G*
>
>Daniel leaned down. “Will you go inside and check on
>your sister for me? We’ll be in shortly.”
>
>“Yes sir.” Kelly turned and disappeared into the house.
>
>Daniel took a step closer to Valerie but she held up
>her hands.
>
>“I’m filthy and I stink. The clinic was a huge mess
>and I was abandoned to clean it alone.”
>
>Daniel halted, looking at her, brows raised in gentle
>inquiry. “What happened?”
>
>“What didn’t happen? Everything that could possibly go
>wrong did, things that shouldn’t have gone wrong went
>wrong and that son of a bitch relief vet that Alan and
>Nessa hired is the most complete waste of human skin
>I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Her head started to
>pound again and she set her jaw against the pain Got a little confused here. What pain? and
>the scream of frustration that bubbled at the back of
>her throat.
>
>“Breathe,” he reminded her. Valerie sucked in a deep
>breath through her nose, held it and gusted it back
>out, her eyes fixed on Daniel.
>
>“From the beginning,” he prompted.
>
>Valerie had to unclamp her teeth from her lips to
>speak. “First thing, Karen and Lisa called in sick.
>That’s not a problem, the stomach bug they’ve got I
>don’t want. But the kennel was a mess, so I cleaned it
>up, walked all the dogs, the usual. Then the first
>appointments started showing up. I checked them in,
>got them in the rooms, pulled their labs, vaccines.
>Dr. Parker was twenty minutes late. I read the labwork
>while he was in the rooms, in between answering the
>phones and checking the clients out as he finished. We
>had a couple of surgeries, I prepped everything on my
>own, ran anesthesia, recovered the patients. While I
>was doing that, he buggered off to lunch without
>warning. Did I get any lunch? Hell no. I'd suggest moving the line about her voice becoming shrill right around here. Then afternoon
>appointments started showing up, and emergencies. I
>triaged the emergencies and did what I could for them
>while he dawdled over the appointments. Then he had
>the balls to bitch about my not reading his labs fast
>enough and cleaning up the hit-by-car dog, said I was
>slowing him up and I wasn’t qualified to do emergency
>treatment! Bastard… All this while answering the
>phones and trying to take care of clients and
>patients! Then one final emergency came in. The dog
>got into the trash and ate everything he could find,
>then saved it up until he got in our door to vomit and
>shit blood everywhere. And where was Dr. Parker? On
>the phone to his girlfriend. Thank god the owner is
>one of our good clients and was able to help hold the
>dog while I started an IV. I went to look for Dr.
>Parker and the fucker was gone! It was after five o’
>clock and he had fucked off on me!”
>
> Valerie could hear her voice grow shrill but she
>couldn’t stop. The story poured from her like foul
>runoff from a storm drain and Daniel listened with
>infinite patience. How do we know it's infinite patience? Show us. Now that she had paused to take
>another breath, he stepped forward and, ignoring her
>protests, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed,
>muttering soothing words in that irresistible accent.
>Valerie finally relaxed, resting her forehead on his
>chest and she heard him chuckle.
>
>“You weren’t joking, you don’t half stink.”
>
>Despite her fading anger, she snorted a grudging laugh
>but stepped on his toes in reprimand.
>
>“I warned you.”
>
>He turned her toward the house, the blaze of the dying
>sun staining the lake crimson. “What are you going to
>do?”
>
>“Kill him.”
Bwahaha! Succinct and to the point. And not unwarranted, I might add. *G*
>His deep chuckle vibrated through his ribs under her
>hand looped around his waist. Had to stop and go over this again. Maybe "His deep chuckle vibrated against her arm around his waist?" “No really.”
>
>Valerie sighed as they reached the door, greeted by
>the squeals of little girls playing. “Fantasize about
>killing him to make myself feel better, then he and I
>are going to have a discussion in the morning about
>division of labor, respect, and the realities of
>veterinary medicine.”
>~
>Daniel slipped into bed after checking on the girls.
>Valerie had steeped in a hot bathtub for a long time
>before declaring herself clean enough to emerge, only
>to doze off during supper. In the time it had taken
>Daniel to send her off to bed, tidy the kitchen and
>make sure Kim and Kelly were asleep, Valerie had gone
>out like a light. She didn’t stir when he lifted the
>covers to slide underneath but she began to twitch and
>mutter in just a few minutessoon after.
>
>Daniel had grown accustomed to her night terrors,
>though early in their relationship he’d been awakened
>by her forearm smacking him in the nose. Good lord, yes. Once on a trip to my grandparents' house I rolled over during the night, hand flung out, and slapped my mother in the face! He’d
>considered wearing a full-face helmet to bed, but her
>episodes rarely reached that level any more. Tonight
>was different. She didn’t flail; only her eyes rolled
>beneath their lids and her face contorted in a frown.
>He risked getting within striking distance to wrap an
>arm over her waist. She stiffened and grumbled
>“Asshole,” before sighing and settling back against
>him. He took that as a good sign and as evidence that
>he was not the object of her epithet. Yawning, he
>planted a light kiss into her hair, smelling the clean
>dampness of it, and closed his eyes.
>~
>
>Already behind the desk, Valerie grabbed the phone
>when it rang. “Lakeside Animal Hospital, this is
>Valerie, how can I help you?”
>
>“Buona sera!” The phone line emitted a vague hum along
>with the voice, which sounded tinny and distant.
>“Though I guess I should be telling you ‘Buongiorno’
>since it’s still morning where you are.” Nessa’s voice
>was breathless with excitement and Valerie smiled to
>hear it. Then her sister asked the expected yet
>dreaded question. “How’re things going there?”
>
>Well, blowing sunshine up people’s asses wasn’t
>Valerie’s style, nor would Nessa expect it of her. LOL! “We
>had a rough day yesterday but today will be better.”
>
>“What do you mean, ‘rough day’?”
>
>“You’re on vacation and I handled it. Don’t worry
>about it.”
>
>“I’m going to worry anyway. What happened?”
>
>“Nessa, you made me manager and I’m managing. Let me
>do it.” Valerie wasn’t accepting any more worry from
>her sister. Besides, she and Alan were in Europe, what
>the hell was she going to do from there?
>
>“Val, I’m coming home—“ My goodness, Nessa is a worrywart, isn't she?
>
>“No you’re not. Do you trust me to take care of things
>or not?”
>
>“Well, yeah…”
>
>“Then trust me, drop the subject and enjoy your
>vacation. It’s the trip of a lifetime, dork. You’re
>supposed to have fun.”
>
>“But I didn’t want to stick you with—“
>
>“Put Alan on the phone.”
>
>“What?”
>
>“Nessa, you know I love you but you’re a worrywart.
>Put your goofy husband on the phone.”
>
>“Only if you tell him what went on.”
>
>“Only if you promise you’re not going to cut your trip
>short because of something that is Already Taken Care
>Of.”
>Her emphasis seemed to do the trick. “Okay, I’ll get
>him.” The phone clunked; dropped on a table, Valerie
>presumed. Footsteps and voices drew closer; she could
>hear Alan saying, “If she’s says things are fine, then
>they are.
>Hello?”
>
>“So this guy was a classmate of yours?”
Hee hee. No beating about the bush!
>“Uh oh; what did he do?”
>
>“Too much or not nearly enough, depending on how you
>approach the situation. But we had a talk this morning
>and I think we understand each other a little better.”
>
>“So, you threatened his life?”
>
>“Not in so many words, but I do have someone else
>lined up in case we have a repeat performance.”
>
>“You will be less cryptic later, won’t you?”
>
>“I’ll tell you all about it, in three part harmony,
>when you get back.”
>
>“With 8 x 10 color glossy pictures?”
>
>“With circles and arrows and everything. I love this exchange!! As long as
>you two stay for your allotted time and don’t worry
>about this any more. Okay?”
>
>“It’s a deal.”
>
>“Excellent. Buono sera!”
>
>“That too, bye!”
>
>Valerie couldn’t help the chuckle as she hung up the
>phone. Thus far today, Dr. Parker had been the soul of
>efficiency. Perhaps the potential lightening of his
>paycheck by nearly ten days had some effect on his
>attitude. One could only hope.
Way to whip Dr. Wonderful into shape, Val! I've had to fire quite a few people in my day, but only one time did I truly enjoy it. I think I'd enjoy firing Dr. Parker, too. *G*
As always, super job!
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Thank you Page! -- debikm, 16:12:19 05/23/10 Sun
Good eye on the things that need fixing. I'm doing that right now.
>>Daniel had grown accustomed to her night terrors,
>>though early in their relationship he’d been awakened
>>by her forearm smacking him in the nose. Good
>lord, yes. Once on a trip to my grandparents' house I
>rolled over during the night, hand flung out, and
>slapped my mother in the face! I used to wear a brace for scoliosis. I was about ten, sleeping over with my cousin. She flung her hands in her sleep and I got smacked more than once. I had rolled to the edge of the bed, she slung her arm across and I rolled back over, onto her arm, with the brace. I was awakened by a bloodcurdling scream that got the whole house up... It's funny now, bubt then it scared the $#!+ out of me.
>>Well, blowing sunshine up people’s asses wasn’t
>>Valerie’s style, nor would Nessa expect it of her.
>LOL! Yep, Valerie is nothing if not honest and blunt. “We
>>had a rough day yesterday but today will be better.”
>>
>>“What do you mean, ‘rough day’?”
>>
>>“You’re on vacation and I handled it. Don’t worry
>>about it.”
>>
>>“I’m going to worry anyway. What happened?”
>>
>>“Nessa, you made me manager and I’m managing. Let me
>>do it.” Valerie wasn’t accepting any more worry from
>>her sister. Besides, she and Alan were in Europe, what
>>the hell was she going to do from there?
>>
>>“Val, I’m coming home—“ My goodness, Nessa
>is a worrywart, isn't she? You have no idea...;-)
>>
>>“I’ll tell you all about it, in three part harmony,
>>when you get back.”
>>
>>“With 8 x 10 color glossy pictures?”
>>
>>“With circles and arrows and everything. I love
>this exchange!! *snerk* Couldn't resist a little Arlo Guthrie. As long as
>>you two stay for your allotted time and don’t worry
>>about this any more. Okay?”
>>
>>“It’s a deal.”
>>
>>“Excellent. Buono sera!”
>>
>>“That too, bye!”
>>
>>Valerie couldn’t help the chuckle as she hung up the
>>phone. Thus far today, Dr. Parker had been the soul of
>>efficiency. Perhaps the potential lightening of his
>>paycheck by nearly ten days had some effect on his
>>attitude. One could only hope.
>
>Way to whip Dr. Wonderful into shape, Val! I've
>had to fire quite a few people in my day, but only one
>time did I truly enjoy it. I think I'd enjoy firing
>Dr. Parker, too. *G*
>
>As always, super job!
Thank you! I've worked with the above doctor, in varying degrees in my veterinary career. Most are good, but some people I wonder why the hell they ever wanted to get into veterinary medicine if they aren't willing to work or they think things are icky... Glad you liked it!
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