Date Posted:14:46:57 06/23/10 Wed Author: Debi Subject: And he destroyed Daniel's mailbox too! In reply to:
Page
's message, "Ah, the aftermath of Ben's little visit! >>>>" on 18:32:00 06/22/10 Tue
>>
>>Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>>house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a
>>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of
>>a bitch did what to you?!”
>
>You're probably going to shoot me, but I swear to
>you I heard the theme music to "Raiders of the Lost
>Ark" right then!
LOL!! Love it!
>
>>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>>startled her.POV switch Got it. I was trying to convey that she figured out what he was thinking, but then again, she's not psychic.
>
>>
>>Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. That
>sentence seems out of place here, since...well, we
>already know that, and Nessa can't actually see
>Val's head throb. Did I shift to Nessa's POV and not realize it? I'll make it clearer.
Nessa
>>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>>
>>“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the
>>house with us.
>>
>>“No I’m not.”
>>
>>Alan decided to assert himself. POV switch. A
>little rewording could keep it in if we see it through
>Valerie's eyes/thoughts.Damn, I'm doing that a lot...
“Yes you are.” He
>>reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
>>
>>“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I
>>just want to be left alone.”
>>
>>Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
>>
>>Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m
>>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>>is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on
>>my own.”
> You flippin' tell 'em, Valerie! If it were me I'd
>be mad as hell at this point. She's a grown woman,
>but her family is treating her like a junior high
>school girl. I don't remember reading where Valerie's
>divorce caused her to completely go off the deep end
>and have to be institutionalized, but they're treating
>her like she might do something foolish. I mean, I
>know they love her, but...Now see what a good job
>you're doing here? I'm all up in arms about that
>because you've done such a bang-up job writing it! No, she was never that bad off. Vic's the worst at being overprotective, but they are all guilty. Valerie feels like she's a little bit of the family screwup, but doesn't like it when her family acts that way too. Not that I blame her...
>>Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful
>>glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>>what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
>Oooh. He's doing it again. *G*
>
>>Valerie sighed in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in
>>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
>>
>>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s
>>temper exploded. “Don’t look to him for confirmation!
>>Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
>God, I hate it when people do that! Very
>nice! TY!
>
>>
>>“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>>stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan
>>shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
>You've got two different people speaking in the
>same paragraph. Needs a break before Alan. Ugh! And the hits just keep on coming...;-)
>
>>“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She
>>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>>disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the
>>Roark family jungle drum network Bwahaha!!
>will have reached its
>>full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages
>>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>>cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I
>>heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll
>>diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should
>>have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>>opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same
>>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>>shot her’,Lord have mercy, whoever will say that
>must live in my town! Mine too... it just never ends.”
>>
>
>You said you thought it needed something. The only
>thing I can think of is perhaps being a little more
>privy to Valerie's thought processes. You do a great
>job of showing her frustrations and anger, but you
>might think about adding in more about what prompts
>it. The dialogue is superb (as always!) but since
>this is Valerie's POV, maybe a little more of her
>inner -oh, what's the word I'm looking for? And I
>write books! - can't think of it, but I hope you know
>what I mean. Man, that was helpful, wasn't it?
>*sheepish grin*
>
>Hugs,
>Page LOL Page! I know what you mean. We need to know why she's getting so angry with them, all of them, including Daniel. I moved this up in the story to not long after they've met, so they aren't friends yet, not really. I'm thinking, with his background of always being the man in the family, even with his mum (she raised him alone) that he's extending that manly protection to Valerie, even if she doesn't want it. She needs to let him know, all of them really, that she's capable of taking care of herself. And she is.;-)
