Ah, the aftermath of Ben's little visit! >>>> -- Ladies of Lallybroch Literary Forum

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Date Posted: 18:32:00 06/22/10 Tue
Author:

Page
Subject: Ah, the aftermath of Ben's little visit! >>>>
In reply to: debikm 's message, "In here, Old Dogs scene: 1082 words" on 21:47:42 06/14/10 Mon

>
>Nessa�s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>house and Alan launched from the driver�s side like a
>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. �That son of
>a bitch did what to you?!�

You're probably going to shoot me, but I swear to you I heard the theme music to "Raiders of the Lost Ark" right then!

>Valerie was taken off guard and watched with mild
>fascination as Alan�s face went beet-red in fury. She
>turned on Daniel with a scowl. �When did you call him?
>I don�t recall being out of your sight.�

>Daniel looked sheepish. �You were in the loo.�
>
> �How much did you tell him?�
>
>�Only that your ex-husband attacked you and tried to
>molest you.�
>
>Nessa got out with the baby in tow, Kelly trailing
>behind. �You should press charges against him.�
>
>�No.�
>
>�Why the hell not?!�
>
>Valerie flinched from Daniel�s angry shout and felt
>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he�d
>startled her. POV switch

>In a quieter voice, he continued. �He assaulted you,
>and was well on his way to raping you when I got
>here.� Twin gasps from Alan and Nessa intensified the tension. Valerie was still angry and the current
>situation was spinning madly out of her control,
>making her head throb with strain. She fixed a
>withering gaze on Daniel and sighed. �Thanks a lot.�
>
>Nessa reached down to soothe Kelly, who was clinging
>to her leg, staring wide-eyed at all the angry adults.
>
>Valerie�s head was pounding like a bass drum. That sentence seems out of place here, since...well, we already know that, and Nessa can't actually see Val's head throb. Nessa
>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>
>�Valerie, go get your stuff. You�re coming back to the
>house with us.
>
>�No I�m not.�
>
>Alan decided to assert himself. POV switch. A little rewording could keep it in if we see it through Valerie's eyes/thoughts. �Yes you are.� He
>reached for Valerie�s hand and she snatched it away.
>
>�Stop treating me like I�m a simple-minded child! I
>just want to be left alone.�
>
>Nessa sighed. �You�re just upset��
>
>Valerie snorted without mirth. �You�re damn skippy I�m
>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>is treating me like I�m incapable of doing anything on
>my own.�
You flippin' tell 'em, Valerie! If it were me I'd be mad as hell at this point. She's a grown woman, but her family is treating her like a junior high school girl. I don't remember reading where Valerie's divorce caused her to completely go off the deep end and have to be institutionalized, but they're treating her like she might do something foolish. I mean, I know they love her, but...Now see what a good job you're doing here? I'm all up in arms about that because you've done such a bang-up job writing it!

>Alan shook his head. �Val, you know that�s not true.
>We just want to help.�
>
>�You can do that by leaving me the hell alone.�
>
>Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful
>glance. �Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>what would have happened if you hadn�t intervened.�
Oooh. He's doing it again. *G*

>Valerie sighed in exasperation. �I kneed Ben in
>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.�
>
>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie�s
>temper exploded. �Don�t look to him for confirmation!
>Do you think I�m lying about it now?!�
God, I hate it when people do that! Very nice!

>�No!� Nessa cried. �We�re just worried about you.�
>
>Valerie flipped her hand at them, shooing them away.
>�Then worry about me from the comfort of your own
>home. I have a headache.� Then her gaze narrowed. �You
>didn�t tell Dad, did you?�
>
>Alan shook his head. �We were already on the way home.�
>
>Nessa chimed in. �He needs to know, Val.�
>
>�Why?�
>
>�Because he�s your father.�
>
>�What�s he going to do about it? Build a fortress
>around me? Come keep me under surveillance? I think
>you�ve got that covered.� She sighed, rubbing her
>throbbing temples. �Listen, I know you�re going to
>squeal anyway. But don�t give him a lot of sordid
>detail, please? Just tell him Ben showed up, we had a
>fight and he left again, okay?� She was annoyed that
>neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in
>the eyes in promise. She finally just waved her hands
>at them in aggravation. �You go away now, okay?
>Thanks. Bye.� She turned her back on them and walked
>back toward her front door.
>
>�Val!�
>
>�What?!� She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>stared at her as if she�d grown four heads and Alan
>shook his head and sighed. �Just be careful, okay?�
You've got two different people speaking in the same paragraph. Needs a break before Alan.

>�Yeah.� As she watched, they got into the van and
>turned away down the drive. Only after the vehicle
>disappeared did she realize Daniel was still standing
>there.
>
>�In case you were wondering that dismissal applied to
>you too.�
>
>He stood, watching her. �I thought as much. I just
>wanted to make sure you were all right.�
>
>A breathy chuckle that threatened to become a more
>ominous emotion escaped her. �In all honesty, I�m
>about where I was when my divorce was final, minus the
>relief.� She shook her head. �But that doesn�t really
>matter. I�ll live.� She gave him a narrow look. �But I
>wish you hadn�t called Alan.�
>
>�They�re your family. They needed to know.�
>
>�And I would have told them, when they got home, and
>hopefully, without all the drama afterward.�
>
>�You would have lied.�
>
>�I would have glossed over some details, maybe.� She
>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>disappeared and frowned. �By tomorrow evening, the
>Roark family jungle drum network Bwahaha!! will have reached its
>full capacity and I�ll have a dozen or more messages
>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>cousin Amanda. They�ll all start with �Hi Valerie, I
>heard what happened, I�m so sorry,� and then they�ll
>diverge. �You should have him arrested�, �you should
>have him assassinated�, an idea I�m not completely
>opposed to in principle, mind you, �the very same
>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>shot her�,Lord have mercy, whoever will say that must live in my town! it just never ends.�
>
>�They�re your family and they care. You�re lucky to
>have them.�
>
>Her eyeballs were staring to throb in time with her
>pulse. �I know, I�m a terrible, ungrateful bitch and
>I�m going to hell for it. I just wish you hadn�t
>stirred up the hornet�s nest that is my family.�
>
>Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. �I
>don�t know what you want from me.�
>
>�I don�t really want anything from you.�
>
>The words came out of her mouth before she could
>think. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment and
>let it back out. Daniel�s expression was surprised,
>starting to lean toward offended and she had to say
>something to fix it. �I�m sorry, that didn�t sound at
>all like what I meant.� Words failed her yet again,
>the aching in her skull threatening to rob her of any
>coherence at all.
>
>Rubbing at her forehead, irritated, she sighed and met
>his gaze.
>
>�Thank you, for being there for me today. I was really
>scared.� Her impromptu confession earned her a quiet
>smile.
>
>�You�re welcome.� He nodded in the direction of his
>house. �If you need anything, I�ll be just over there.�
>
>�Okay.� She watched him go.

You said you thought it needed something. The only thing I can think of is perhaps being a little more privy to Valerie's thought processes. You do a great job of showing her frustrations and anger, but you might think about adding in more about what prompts it. The dialogue is superb (as always!) but since this is Valerie's POV, maybe a little more of her inner -oh, what's the word I'm looking for? And I write books! - can't think of it, but I hope you know what I mean. Man, that was helpful, wasn't it? *sheepish grin*

Hugs,
Page

Last edited by author: Tue June 22, 2010 18:35:16 Edited 2 times.

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Replies:

[> [> [> And he destroyed Daniel's mailbox too! -- Debi, 14:46:57 06/23/10 Wed

>>
>>Nessa�s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>>house and Alan launched from the driver�s side like a
>>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. �That son of
>>a bitch did what to you?!�
>
>You're probably going to shoot me, but I swear to
>you I heard the theme music to "Raiders of the Lost
>Ark" right then!

LOL!! Love it!
>

>>Valerie flinched from Daniel�s angry shout and felt
>>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he�d
>>startled her. POV switch
Got it. I was trying to convey that she figured out what he was thinking, but then again, she's not psychic.
>
>>
>>Valerie�s head was pounding like a bass drum. That
>sentence seems out of place here, since...well, we
>already know that, and Nessa can't actually see
>Val's head throb. Did I shift to Nessa's POV and not realize it? I'll make it clearer.
Nessa
>>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>>
>>�Valerie, go get your stuff. You�re coming back to the
>>house with us.
>>
>>�No I�m not.�
>>
>>Alan decided to assert himself. POV switch. A
>little rewording could keep it in if we see it through
>Valerie's eyes/thoughts. Damn, I'm doing that a lot...
�Yes you are.� He
>>reached for Valerie�s hand and she snatched it away.
>>
>>�Stop treating me like I�m a simple-minded child! I
>>just want to be left alone.�
>>
>>Nessa sighed. �You�re just upset��
>>
>>Valerie snorted without mirth. �You�re damn skippy I�m
>>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>>is treating me like I�m incapable of doing anything on
>>my own.�
> You flippin' tell 'em, Valerie! If it were me I'd
>be mad as hell at this point. She's a grown woman,
>but her family is treating her like a junior high
>school girl. I don't remember reading where Valerie's
>divorce caused her to completely go off the deep end
>and have to be institutionalized, but they're treating
>her like she might do something foolish. I mean, I
>know they love her, but...Now see what a good job
>you're doing here? I'm all up in arms about that
>because you've done such a bang-up job writing it!
No, she was never that bad off. Vic's the worst at being overprotective, but they are all guilty. Valerie feels like she's a little bit of the family screwup, but doesn't like it when her family acts that way too. Not that I blame her...

>>Alan ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful
>>glance. �Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>>what would have happened if you hadn�t intervened.�
>Oooh. He's doing it again. *G*
>
>>Valerie sighed in exasperation. �I kneed Ben in
>>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.�
>>
>>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie�s
>>temper exploded. �Don�t look to him for confirmation!
>>Do you think I�m lying about it now?!�
>God, I hate it when people do that! Very
>nice!
TY!
>
>>
>>�What?!� She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>>stared at her as if she�d grown four heads and Alan
>>shook his head and sighed. �Just be careful, okay?�
>You've got two different people speaking in the
>same paragraph. Needs a break before Alan.
Ugh! And the hits just keep on coming...;-)
>

>>�I would have glossed over some details, maybe.� She
>>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>>disappeared and frowned. �By tomorrow evening, the
>>Roark family jungle drum network Bwahaha!!
>will have reached its
>>full capacity and I�ll have a dozen or more messages
>>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>>cousin Amanda. They�ll all start with �Hi Valerie, I
>>heard what happened, I�m so sorry,� and then they�ll
>>diverge. �You should have him arrested�, �you should
>>have him assassinated�, an idea I�m not completely
>>opposed to in principle, mind you, �the very same
>>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>>shot her�,Lord have mercy, whoever will say that
>must live in my town! Mine too... it just never ends.�
>>
>
>You said you thought it needed something. The only
>thing I can think of is perhaps being a little more
>privy to Valerie's thought processes. You do a great
>job of showing her frustrations and anger, but you
>might think about adding in more about what prompts
>it. The dialogue is superb (as always!) but since
>this is Valerie's POV, maybe a little more of her
>inner -oh, what's the word I'm looking for? And I
>write books! - can't think of it, but I hope you know
>what I mean. Man, that was helpful, wasn't it?
>*sheepish grin*
>
>Hugs,
>Page
LOL Page! I know what you mean. We need to know why she's getting so angry with them, all of them, including Daniel. I moved this up in the story to not long after they've met, so they aren't friends yet, not really. I'm thinking, with his background of always being the man in the family, even with his mum (she raised him alone) that he's extending that manly protection to Valerie, even if she doesn't want it. She needs to let him know, all of them really, that she's capable of taking care of herself. And she is.;-)

Thanks again!
Debi

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