Date Posted:09:37:18 06/28/10 Mon Author: Fi Subject: Got my attention, love the '60s details >>>> In reply to:
Page
's message, "In here >>>>" on 19:11:39 06/24/10 Thu
Katie is a great character who I'd like to get to know better.
Nitpicky stuff below:
Katie sometimes refers to JH as "Jimi" and other times as "Hendrix". Wouldn't she be more consistent and think of him as "Jimi" (given their intimacy in the past)?
> with water dripping in a steady rhythm from the hem of her
>pants legs.
Like this line - very visual.
>How was she to know all that took
>place in a relatively small area and the rest of the
>city remained as conservative and staid as, say,
>Boston?
>The woman nodded and turned to take a thick, white
>porcelain cup from a shelf.
Porcelain is traditionally white (think "porcelain complexion"), so no need for the qualifier.
> had a sinking feeling the contents
>of the canvas duffel were well on their way to mildew city.
Another nice image.
>The sharp aroma of strong coffee struck Katie’s nose,
Seems overdone. Either The aroma of strong coffee or The sharp aroma of coffee.
>Katie returned the smile, her spirits lifting further
>at the friendliness she saw on the woman’s face.
>“No,I’m cool. Thank you.”
She seems an informal kind of girl, so wouldn't she say "thanks" rather than "thank you"?
>After another reviving sip, she
>turned to survey the pub she’d squelched into a few
>moments before, lured by the muffled sounds of rock
>and roll coming from behind the door.
Mildly confusing. Did she turn around to survey the pub because she was lured by the music? Or did she enter the pub in the first place because she was lured by the music?
>off-set offset: No hyphen
>Before she could decide whether or not it was worth the trouble to get up and retrieve it,
>His expression was one of a little
>kid staring through a shop window at a toy he really
>wanted but couldn’t have.
>“It’s always been my dream
>to go there. Man! San Francisco!”
Typical that he sees SF as the pinacle of coolness, and Katie saw London as just that. It's easy to have a romanticized notion of somewhere you've never been.
>It just brushed the
>shoulders of his blouse, one Katie swore was identical
>to what she’d seen Janis Joplin wearJanis Joplin wore at the Monterey
>International Pop Festival.
>she realized the huskiness was
>natural, giving his voice a depth and resonance that
>demanded attention.
[comma]
>Katie raised the cup to her lips and took a small sip.
> “When I got there two years ago it was.” A wistful
>smile curved her lips. “I thought I’d landed in
>Nirvana.”
Ah, interesting. Katie is always seeking after the next happening place.
>busses
Spelling:buses
>“You know Hendrix?” Adam sat up straight, his eyes
>sparkling with excitement.
>Adam added more cream to his tea, his eyebrows raised
>in inquiry.
He added milk earlier, so he can't add "more" cream. Plus, cream in tea - not very English! (They do have "cream tea", but the cream goes on the scones not in the tea.)
>She felt her cheeks flame with color
>“A couple of hours ago.” With a sense of wonderment,
>she realized it was true; it seemed like she’d been in
>London for days. She really was spaced out.
That's jet travel for you - always does weird things to your perception of time and space.
>“That’d be cool.” Katie hid her delight at the
>invitation. “I won’t be in the way?”
Another interesting insight into Katie's personality. She meets a strange guy in a bar and is not the least bit suspicious of his motives in inviting her home.
>Katie looked up from conferring with Libby about
>paying for her coffee.
Another slightly confusing sentence. Why is she "conferring" with Libby, rather than just handing over money? Why is she "looking up" at Adam when she's sitting on a bar stool and he's on the floor?
And they're all super suggestions and things I hadn't noticed. For example, I didn't realize I'd used both Jimi and Hendrix. And mucho thanks for catching the cream thing. Dunno where that came from, but it's changed to milk now.
I'm tickled pink that the fact Katie's always on the lookout for the next happening thing resonated with you! I'd been a little apprehensive I wouldn't be able to get such unspoken parts of her personality in without a lot of superfluous words. You so totally made my day, Fi! Now I hope I can get across the point that she's finally found that elusive thing she's searched for in the same manner. We shall see!
Thank you so much for going over this for me. I appreciate and value your sharp eye and spot-on perceptions!
Page, 20:20:06 07/09/10 Fri