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Date Posted: 12:06:21 02/07/10 Sun
Author: Debi
Subject: Doing my homework, like a good girl ;-)
In reply to:
Debi
's message, " Okay people! Let's look alive! ;- D
" on 13:59:10 01/31/10 Sun
Excerpt from "New Tricks", copyright 2010, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only; does not constitute publication.
**************
Okay, some background. Valerie and Daniel are a comitted couple now. Her ex (the one that attacked her in that post I shared oh-so-long ago), has called and asked to see her. He has been diagnosed with testicular cancer and has been getting treatment. She isn't sure if it's a good idea, but feels like she owes it to him to hear what he has to say. Daniel offers to fly her to Miami, she would rather drive, to have time to think. Daniel won't let her go alone so they take his car and drive to south Florida (about 5 hours).
Daniel pulled into the parking lot at the restaurant that Ben had specified. Valerie sat in the passenger’s side, staring at the hood through the windscreen, taking deep breaths. She was startled when Daniel touched her arm.
“You all right?”
She gave him a grim nod. “Yeah. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m not related to the old bat anymore and I don’t have to kiss ass to keep the peace.”
Daniel’s touch on her arm was reassuring. “We don’t have to do this. Ben said it was okay if we didn’t come.”
Valerie sighed. “I know. But if I bail now, it just tells the Queen Cobra that I’m afraid of her. Still.” She turned to look at him, so grateful for his steady, calm gaze in that oh-so-lovely face. It reminded her just how far she’d come since the last time she’d had a dinner with Mother Dean. She reached up and squeezed his fingers.
“Hold onto something. This gonna be wicked.”
Daniel grinned. “At least we’re well-dressed for it.”
Inside the restaurant a long table had been set aside for them. Ben, Alexis and his mother were already there.
Valerie noticed Michael’s chair had been occupied but was empty. Another pair of chairs were set at the table. As Daniel held Valerie’s chair and settled her in, she heard voices and sighed at the final two members of the dinner party.
“Well, I’d heard that she was back in town but I just didn’t believe it.”
Ben’s sister Charlotte bent to kiss his cheek, but her gaze was on Valerie. Her husband trailed behind, arriving in time to pull her chair out for her. Of course, she had to bounce and huff that he wasn’t doing it right. Valerie met his gaze and smiled.
“How are you Wayne?”
He rolled his eyes then returned her smile, though he was careful to not let his wife see it. “About the same, Val. And you?”
Before she could answer, Michael returned. Before he resumed his seat between Valerie and Mrs. Dean, Ben’s uncle bent to kiss Valerie’s cheek.
“Valerie, I’m so glad to see you!” Valerie accepted his greeting with warmth, turning to Daniel.
“Everyone, this is Daniel Hollingsworth. Daniel, this is Michael Dean, Ben’s uncle, Charlotte is Ben’s sister, Wayne is her husband. And of course you remember Mrs. Dean from yesterday?”
Daniel shook hands with Michael and nodded to the rest. “Thank you for inviting us.”
“Well, Ben just insisted that we include you both. It’s his first night out from the hospital, you’d think he’d want to spend it at home with his family, but—“
“Mother—“
Mrs. Dean continued as if she hadn’t heard her son’s protest. “I mean, we’ve been with him through this whole ordeal, but if he wants to wear himself out with a night at a restaurant, who am I to say anything?”
“Clara, don’t you think if Ben wanted to stay home, he would have?” Michael gave his sister and long-suffering look.
“I suppose.”
The waiter arrived to take their orders, giving them all a moment’s distraction. Ben looked over at Daniel and Valerie. “Dinner is on me. Enjoy yourselves.”
“Ben you don’t have to—“
“Valerie, please. It’s the least I can do.”
Valerie felt Daniel’s hand on hers under the tablecloth and she nodded and smiled. “Thank you Ben. That’s very sweet.”
Another waiter showed Ben the wine list. Valerie reached out and turned her wine glass upside down.
“You don’t want any?” Her ex-husband seemed surprised.
“No thank you. I’ll just have water.”
“Ben has already told you he’s paying for your meal. You’re not going to show him the courtesy of drinking the wine he chose?”
Valerie took a deep breath and felt the warning squeeze from Daniel. Letting the air blow back out, she shook her head, glancing past Michael at Mrs. Dean. “I don’t really care for wine with my meals, thank you.”
Another discontent mutter grumbled from down the table and Valerie saw Ben’s jaw tighten. Alexis leaned toward him, no doubt soothing him as Daniel had been for her.
“Mother, Valerie and Daniel are my guests. They can eat or drink whatever they want.”
Michael turned to her with an apologetic smile. “So, my dear, what have you been up to?” He gave Daniel an appreciative glance. “Besides attracting a beautiful man to your side?”
She chuckled, bumping him with her shoulder. “Well, I’m the practice manager for my sister and brother-in-law’s veterinary practice. I’ve been thinking about going back to college too.”
“What on earth for?” Charlotte stared at her from across the table. “I thought you graduated a long while back.”
“I did, but I’m thinking of working on a masters in fine arts for photography.”
“You always were talented with a camera.” Michael patted her arm. “Adam and I still have that lovely calla lily picture hanging over our mantel.”
Valerie smiled. “Thank you Michael. I’m so glad you still like it. Where is Adam anyway. I’m sorry to have missed him.”
Michael opened his mouth to answer but it was Mrs. Dean’s voice that she heard.
“He was not invited to this dinner.”
Valerie felt her scalp begin to prickle with tension. Daniel’s fingers tightened around hers again but she hardly felt it.
Ben sighed. “Yes he was, Mother. He just didn’t care to sit here and be humiliated by you all night.”
Valerie was impressed. The Ben she knew wouldn’t have spoken up like that.
“Benjamin?!” The gasp was dramatic. It was apparent that Mrs. Dean found his behavior unusual also. “How dare you speak to your mother like that? I would do no such thing. It isn’t my fault that he’s going to hell and taking my brother with him.”
Michael shook his head with deep sigh. Valerie’s control slipped.
“Why are Michael and Adam going to hell, pray tell?”
“Because they’re homosexuals.” Mrs. Dean said the words with absolute conviction.
A general hubbub broke out around the table, Charlotte supporting her mother’s position, Michael trying to settle things, Ben trying to quiet them both. Valerie gave up, letting go of Daniel’s hand and stood, to face the old woman.
“I’m sorry, but if you believe that the only member of your family that ever showed me any concern and decency during my internment here is going to hell simply because he prefers his own gender for companionship, then you are mistaken.”
“But the Bible teaches—“
“I don’t care. Any doctrine that teaches that a person who is caring and kind gets punished for being who they are is something I would rather avoid like the plague.” Before she let herself get carried away with all the things she’d ever wished she’d said to the hateful old woman, she turned to Ben. “Ben, I apologize for upsetting your dinner out, but I can’t sit here and listen to this any longer.” She bent down to kiss Michael on the cheek. “You and Adam come visit any time you want.” Daniel rose to stand beside her as she gathered her wrap from the chair.
“Well I might have expected you to behave like that. You never were any—“
The door closed behind them and Valerie heaved a sigh of relief. Daniel pulled her to him by the edge of her wrap and kissed her.
“I’m so proud of you. You stood up to her and didn’t use a single swear word.”
Valerie giggled, the adrenaline rush leaving her with a tremor in her hands but a swelling of pride. “It occurred to me to just let loose, but I’m glad I didn’t. I beat her at her own game.” Daniel gathered her in his arms and squeezed her tight, kissing the top of her hair.
“I’m starved.”
He nodded. “We might be a bit overdressed, but I think I saw a barbecue place just up the road.”
“Let’s go.”
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Don't good girls have more fun anyway? >>> -- Esther, 13:06:25 02/10/10 Wed
>Excerpt from "New Tricks", copyright 2010, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only; does not constitute
>publication.
>**************
Hey! That's a new title isn't it???? So this is book two of the Valerie and Daniel story! Yay!
I really like Valerie and Daniel as a couple and I love how he stands by her without offering to fix it, and it was sweet that he didn't want her to go alone. Now this scene had a lot of people in it whom I was unfamiliar with, yet, I had a sense of their character by the time I finished and I didn't get confused as to who was who. Well done! And a huge congratst to Valerie for getting her opinion out without swear words. Thats hard to do too! *G*
Hugs
Esther
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Thanks for the comments! -- Debi, 19:40:16 02/10/10 Wed
>>Excerpt from "New Tricks", copyright 2010, Debi
>>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>>critique purposes only; does not constitute
>>publication.
>>**************
>
>Hey! That's a new title isn't it???? So this is
>book two of the Valerie and Daniel story! Yay!
It is!
>
>I really like Valerie and Daniel as a couple and I
>love how he stands by her without offering to fix it,
>and it was sweet that he didn't want her to go alone.
>Now this scene had a lot of people in it whom I was
>unfamiliar with, yet, I had a sense of their character
>by the time I finished and I didn't get confused as to
>who was who. Well done! And a huge congratst to
>Valerie for getting her opinion out without swear
>words. Thats hard to do too! *G*
That's why when I get really angry, I clam up big time. If I say what my brain is screaming, I'll get fired, or punched or something.
>
>Hugs
>
>Esther
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Re: Doing my homework, like a good girl ;-) -- 
susiej, 19:00:05 02/10/10 Wed
I second Esther- a lot of people in a group and yet I never got lost and they all sounded unique. Good work!
I didn't catch any errors.
I didn't see the post where Ben attacked her. He seems like a good guy here. Of course, Valerie is surprised by that.
My only suggestion and this came after when I was trying to think of something to add- maybe the sister, Charlotte, should have a line or two. She didn't seem the type to never get a word in edgewise.
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[> [> [>
I did lose Charlotte, didn't I? -- Debi, 19:45:44 02/10/10 Wed
>I second Esther- a lot of people in a group and yet I
>never got lost and they all sounded unique. Good work!
>I didn't catch any errors.
>
>I didn't see the post where Ben attacked her. He seems
>like a good guy here. Of course, Valerie is surprised
>by that.
His wife left him and he got drunk and decided he wanted to visit Valerie. Unannounced. When she didn't want to talk to him, he got nasty and tried to force himself on her. Between Taser, the dog, Daniel showing up and Valerie getting a lucky shot with her knee, he was sent packing. That's why she's pretty apprehensive about the visit.
>
>My only suggestion and this came after when I was
>trying to think of something to add- maybe the sister,
>Charlotte, should have a line or two. She didn't seem
>the type to never get a word in edgewise.
I'll be expanding on this and Charlotte will get more lines. I just forgot about her whiel I was writing. Thanks for reminding me. She's working out to be an interesting character.
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Re: Doing my homework, like a good girl ;-) -- Alex, 10:55:17 02/12/10 Fri
Read through this an enjoyed, Debi! Table full of people and who was talking was never in doubt. Pat yourself on the back. *s* Not an easy thing to do! I do have a suggestion though. Food for thought.
When Ben spoke up to his mother, I wondered why he wasn't firmer. Having to face your own mortality has a way of putting all the superfluous daily BS in perspective. You don't have the luxury of letting an opportunity slip by. Ben's mother and sister don't get that. Ben does. He's changed. That's why he invited Val, right? To make peace? Amends? Now, changing his mom's behavior is a can of worms too big to tackle, but bringing her up short, and making her aware that life isn't business as usual, is in his power. Same goes for Valerie. Ben's stand gives her an epiphany? Snaps her out of her own emotional maelstrom to realize she might never see him alive again? You could also put some details in there, where V notices the toll the cancer and treatment has taken on him. Old habits broken? Closure and peace between them instead of unfinished business? *shrug* That's my two cents. Love the ending though. Don't mess with that. *s* And thanks for sharing!
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Excellent ideas! Thank you! -- Debi, 12:43:51 02/12/10 Fri
>Read through this an enjoyed, Debi! Table full of
>people and who was talking was never in doubt. Pat
>yourself on the back. *s* Not an easy thing to do! I
>do have a suggestion though. Food for thought.
>
>When Ben spoke up to his mother, I wondered why he
>wasn't firmer. Having to face your own mortality has a
>way of putting all the superfluous daily BS in
>perspective. You don't have the luxury of letting an
>opportunity slip by. Ben's mother and sister don't get
>that. Ben does. He's changed. That's why he invited
>Val, right? To make peace? Amends? Now, changing his
>mom's behavior is a can of worms too big to tackle,
>but bringing her up short, and making her aware that
>life isn't business as usual, is in his power.
>Same goes for Valerie. Ben's stand gives her an
>epiphany? Snaps her out of her own emotional maelstrom
>to realize she might never see him alive again? You
>could also put some details in there, where V notices
>the toll the cancer and treatment has taken on him.
>Old habits broken? Closure and peace between them
>instead of unfinished business? *shrug* That's my two
>cents. Love the ending though. Don't mess with
>that. *s* And thanks for sharing!
The scene the way I've imagined it was a bit more involved, with Ben standing up to his mother more forcefully in front of Valerie and Daniel, but somehow, when rattling the scene out, it ended before I worked that in. Excellent ideas to supplement that revelation, because Valerie would be proud of Ben for finally growing a spine with his mother and she would be just as happy to have witnessed it. Yes, Ben needs more.
Thank you!
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[> [>
Yay, more Valerie and Daniel :) -- Lady Morilka, 11:14:07 03/02/10 Tue
>Excerpt from "New Tricks", copyright 2010, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only; does not constitute
>publication.
>**************
>Daniel pulled into the parking lot at the restaurant
>that Ben had specified. Valerie sat in the passenger’s
>side, staring at the hood through the windscreen,
>taking deep breaths. She was startled when Daniel
>touched her arm.
>
>“You all right?”
>
>She gave him a grim nod. “Yeah. I just have to keep
>reminding myself that I’m not related to the old bat
>anymore and I don’t have to kiss ass to keep the
>peace.”
>
>Daniel’s touch on her arm was reassuring. “We don’t
>have to do this. Ben said it was okay if we didn’t
>come.”
>
>Valerie sighed. “I know. But if I bail now, it just
>tells the Queen Cobra that I’m afraid of her. Still.”
>She turned to look at him, so grateful for his steady,
>calm gaze in that oh-so-lovely face. It reminded her
>just how far she’d come since the last time she’d had
>a dinner with Mother Dean. She reached up and squeezed
>his fingers.
>
>“Hold onto something. This
is
gonna be wicked.”
>
>Daniel grinned. “At least we’re well-dressed for it.”
>
I would like to know a bit more about how they are dressed, not nessesarly what they wear, but how formal. I only get that in the end where it is stated that they are overdressed for the other place.
>
>Inside the restaurant a long table had been set aside
>for them. Ben, Alexis and his mother were already
>there.
>
>Valerie noticed Michael’s chair had been occupied but
>was empty. Another pair of chairs were set at the
>table. As Daniel held Valerie’s chair and settled her
>in, she heard voices and sighed at the final two
>members of the dinner party.
>
>“Well, I’d heard that she was back in town but I just
>didn’t believe it.”
>
>Ben’s sister Charlotte bent to kiss his cheek, but her
>gaze was on Valerie. Her husband trailed behind,
>arriving in time to pull her chair out for her. Of
>course, she had to bounce and huff that he wasn’t
>doing it right. Valerie met his gaze and smiled.
>
>“How are you Wayne?”
>
>He rolled his eyes then returned her smile, though he
>was careful to not let his wife see it. “About the
>same, Val. And you?”
>
>Before she could answer, Michael returned. Before
Two times "before" very close together, I would change ore drop one of tham.
he
>resumed his seat between Valerie and Mrs. Dean, Ben’s
>uncle bent to kiss Valerie’s cheek.
>
>“Valerie, I’m so glad to see you!” Valerie accepted
>his greeting with warmth, turning to Daniel.
>
>“Everyone, this is Daniel Hollingsworth. Daniel, this
>is Michael Dean, Ben’s uncle, Charlotte is Ben’s
>sister, Wayne is her husband. And of course you
>remember Mrs. Dean from yesterday?”
>
>Daniel shook hands with Michael and nodded to the
>rest. “Thank you for inviting us.”
>
>“Well, Ben just insisted that we include you both.
>It’s his first night out from the hospital, you’d
>think he’d want to spend it at home with his family,
>but—“
>
>“Mother—“
>
>Mrs. Dean continued as if she hadn’t heard her son’s
>protest. “I mean, we’ve been with him through this
>whole ordeal, but if he wants to wear himself out with
>a night at a restaurant, who am I to say anything?”
>
>“Clara, don’t you think if Ben wanted to stay home, he
>would have?” Michael gave his sister and
I think this "and" needs to be an "a".
>long-suffering look.
>
>“I suppose.”
>
>The waiter arrived to take their orders, giving them
>all a moment’s distraction. Ben looked over at Daniel
>and Valerie. “Dinner is on me. Enjoy yourselves.”
>
>“Ben you don’t have to—“
>
>“Valerie, please. It’s the least I can do.”
>
>Valerie felt Daniel’s hand on hers under the
>tablecloth and she nodded and smiled. “Thank you Ben.
>That’s very sweet.”
>
>Another waiter showed Ben the wine list. Valerie
>reached out and turned her wine glass upside down.
>
>“You don’t want any?” Her ex-husband seemed surprised.
>
>“No thank you. I’ll just have water.”
>
>“Ben has already told you he’s paying for your meal.
>You’re not going to show him the courtesy of drinking
>the wine he chose?”
>
>Valerie took a deep breath and felt the warning
>squeeze from Daniel. Letting the air blow back out,
>she shook her head, glancing past Michael at Mrs.
>Dean. “I don’t really care for wine with my meals,
>thank you.”
>
>Another discontent mutter grumbled from down the table
>and Valerie saw Ben’s jaw tighten. Alexis leaned
>toward him, no doubt soothing him as Daniel had been
>for her.
I like the parallel here.
>
>“Mother, Valerie and Daniel are my guests. They can
>eat or drink whatever they want.”
>
>Michael turned to her with an apologetic smile. “So,
>my dear, what have you been up to?” He gave Daniel an
>appreciative glance. “Besides attracting a beautiful
>man to your side?”
>
>She chuckled, bumping him with her shoulder. “Well,
>I’m the practice manager for my sister and
>brother-in-law’s veterinary practice. I’ve been
>thinking about going back to college too.”
>
>“What on earth for?” Charlotte stared at her from
>across the table. “I thought you graduated a long
>while back.”
>“I did, but I’m thinking of working on a masters in
>fine arts for photography.”
>
>“You always were talented with a camera.” Michael
>patted her arm. “Adam and I still have that lovely
>calla lily picture hanging over our mantel.”
>
>Valerie smiled. “Thank you Michael. I’m so glad you
>still like it. Where is Adam anyway. I’m sorry to have
>missed him.” I'm unsure about that wording of the last sentence, if Valerie doesn't know where Adam is, how does she know she has missed him? Maybe "I would be sorry to have missed him." or something along that line would work better.JMHO
>
>Michael opened his mouth to answer but it was Mrs.
>Dean’s voice that she heard.
>
>“He was not invited to this dinner.”
>
>Valerie felt her scalp begin to prickle with tension.
>Daniel’s fingers tightened around hers again but she
>hardly felt it.
>
>Ben sighed. “Yes he was, Mother. He just didn’t care
>to sit here and be humiliated by you all night.”
Wow, that completly came out of the left field, I like it.
>
>Valerie was impressed. The Ben she knew wouldn’t have
>spoken up like that. Maybe "the Ben she used to know" would work better, since it is a long time that she has known him really. Just an idea.
>
>“Benjamin?!” The gasp was dramatic. It was apparent
>that Mrs. Dean found his behavior unusual also. “How
>dare you speak to your mother like that? I would do no
>such thing. It isn’t my fault that he’s going to hell
>and taking my brother with him.”
>
>Michael shook his head with deep sigh. Valerie’s
>control slipped.
>
>“Why are Michael and Adam going to hell, pray tell?”
>
>“Because they’re homosexuals.”
LOL, I expected the worst here, money wise or whatever, and than that! I love it, I can really hear her shocked tone.
Mrs. Dean said the
>words with absolute conviction.
>
>A general hubbub broke out around the table, Charlotte
>supporting her mother’s position, Michael trying to
>settle things, Ben trying to quiet them both. Valerie
>gave up,
gave up on what? Trying to follow, on patience, on putting on a good face...
letting go of Daniel’s hand and stood, to
>face the old woman.
>
>“I’m sorry, but if you believe that the only member of
>your family that ever showed me any concern and
>decency during my internment love that wording here is going to hell
>simply because he prefers his own gender for
>companionship, then you are mistaken.”
>
>“But the Bible teaches—“
>
>“I don’t care. Any doctrine that teaches that a person
>who is caring and kind gets punished for being who
>they are is something I would rather avoid like the
>plague.” Before she let herself get carried away with
>all the things she’d ever wished she’d said
Might just be me again with not beeing a native english speaker, but I stumble across the two 'd rigt after one another, maybe for the second a "...wished to have said..."would work better here.
to the
>hateful old woman, she turned to Ben. “Ben, I
>apologize for upsetting your dinner out, but I can’t
>sit here and listen to this any longer.” She bent down
>to kiss Michael on the cheek. “You and Adam come visit
>any time you want.” Daniel rose to stand beside her as
>she gathered her wrap from the chair.
>
>“Well I might have expected you to behave like that.
>You never were any—“
>
>The door closed behind them and Valerie heaved a sigh
>of relief. Daniel pulled her to him by the edge of her
>wrap and kissed her.
>
>“I’m so proud of you. You stood up to her and didn’t
>use a single swear word.”
>
>Valerie giggled, the adrenaline rush leaving her with
>a tremor in her hands but a swelling of pride. “It
>occurred to me to just let loose, but I’m glad I
>didn’t. I beat her at her own game.” Daniel gathered
>her in his arms and squeezed her tight, kissing the
>top of her hair.
>
>“I’m starved.”
Who is saying that? I keep thinking it is daniel because the sentence before is his action, but he is the one reactiong to it so it would have to be Valerie. That needs to be more clear.
>
>He nodded. “We might be a bit overdressed, but I think
>I saw a barbecue place just up the road.”
>
>“Let’s go.”
I love to read more of Valerie and Daniel! And this scene brings up a lot of what she had to endure prior to book 1 (sounds great to say it that way ;), doesn't it?) I like to whatch how Valerie is sucked up into that world again but now sees it in a completly new perspective. good work, I want to read more again ;)
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Thank you Lady M! -- Debi, 19:03:51 03/05/10 Fri
I really appreciate you taking the time to look this over. I'll be fixing all the things you found and I'm glad you think Valerie has come a long way. She has grown a lot and I'm glad it shows. Thanks for catching my boo-boos and the kind comments. You're great for my ego!
Debi
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