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Date Posted: 15:12:57 03/07/10 Sun
Author: Debi
Subject: Line,please response.
In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Writing exercises that won't make you sore!" on 13:41:33 02/28/10 Sun
Excerpt from New Tricks, copyright 2010, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
Okay, very rough, it just fell out of my brain scant moments ago. Valerie and Daniel are on their way to Miami to see her ex-husband, who, unbeknowenst to them has been diagnosed with testicular cancer. He has asked to see Valerie. Daniel volunteered to fly her, but she wanted to drive and she's behind the wheel. Uh oh...;-)
************
It was dark by the time they got to the exit onto the Florida Turnpike. The highway was surrounded by solid woods, with only the occasional glimpse of lights in the distance to indicate any human habitation. Daniel’s mind wandered, wondering what kind of fool’s errand he’d gotten himself into. He couldn’t foresee anything really positive coming out of this trip. Last November, when he’d dragged Ben away from Valerie, a little black flower of hatred had bloomed. The intervening time had limited its growth, but he could feel it stirring again, eager for another incident to make it grow. When he’d seen that man’s hands tangled in Valerie’s clothing, right before she’d landed her knee in her ex-husband’s crotch, Daniel could have murdered Ben with no regrets. The fact that he’d had to restrain Valerie from doing that exact thing moments later just made him love her more. It was warped, but it was truth.
Drawn out of his reverie by the landscape rushing by, he took a moment to estimate their speed. Way more than the legal limit; by his visual calculation they were hovering somewhere close to ninety-five. Glancing over, he saw Valerie staring at the road ahead, hands gripping the wheel, a nameless expression of tension and apprehension on her face.
“Sweetie?”
“Hmm?”
“Check your gauges.”
He could tell the moment she saw their speed. A quick intake of breath was sighed back out and her foot came up off the accelerator. Lights ahead announced their rapid approach to the Okahumpka service plaza. Valerie flipped the turn indicator on and they made the entrance, parking in an open spot near the sidewalk. Without a word, Valerie gathered her bag and exited the car, leaving the keys in the ignition.
With a small smile, Daniel reached over and pulled them out, getting out of the passenger side to follow her in. A dark blue car pulled into the open space beside the car and the driver’s door opened. A man in a uniform got out and approached Daniel.
“Is everything all right?”
Daniel nodded, with small inward cringe. It was a Florida Highway Patrol uniform. “Yes sir.”
“Were you driving just now?”
“No sir, my girlfriend. She’s just gone inside.”
“Were you arguing or upset?”
Daniel nodded. “She’s had some bad news. We’re headed down to Miami to see a friend that’s ill.”
The officer nodded. “I’m actually on my way home, but when you blew past I had to check things out. She okay?”
Daniel shrugged. “She will be.”
“You are going to drive the rest of the way, correct?”
“Yes sir.”
The officer nodded.”Good. Though, I will have to say, she was doing a damned fine job of driving.” He opened his car door to get back in. “You folks have a nice night now.”
“Thank you sir. You too.”
Daniel watched him drive away with a swell of relief and went inside to find Valerie.
She was sitting in Starbuck’s next to the window, a fragrant cup of coffee in front of her. She shoved her wallet over at him. “How much do I owe for the ticket? There’s a hundred dollars in there. That’s all I have. I’ll have to get you the rest when I get paid.”
He sat down and pushed her money back to her. “No ticket.
Apparently he was so impressed with your driving skills he decided not the charge you. You don’t sully a work of art by asking for money.”
She gave him a suspicious glance. “Bullshit.”
He snickered. “Well, only partly. He did say he was impressed by your driving. He was off duty but had to find out what was going on after you flew by like the wind.”
“No ticket?”
“If there had been, you’d have had to produce a license, name rank and serial number, all that, right.”
She heaved a great sigh and shook her head. “I’m sorry Daniel. I just got kinda lost in my thoughts. I had no idea I was going that fast.”
He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Not to worry. But I am under orders to drive from now on.”
“No problem.”
“You know, it’s still a long way to go. Why don’t we find someplace in Orlando to stop and rest a few hours?”
“But I need to get down south—“
“Miami will still be there tomorrow, right?”
“But-“
“Right?” He leaned forward and took her chin in his hand for a moment.
She nodded with great reluctance. “Right.” Tucking her wallet back into her bag, she got to her feet. “Ready to go?”
He rose, pulling her to him for a moment. “Ready.”
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Debi>>> -- 
susiej, 15:35:05 03/14/10 Sun
I liked it. Got so involved I forgot all about looking for -the line. It fit perfectly.
For "rough" it was very smooth kinda like her driving.
Only in the beginning I saw a few redundant clauses- no real need to say his mind wandered then wondering. I think I'd just say Daniel wondered. And it happened again with the visual calculations and checking the speed, etc.
But all in all, a great, tightly written scene.
So this would be before the restraunt scene, right?
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Yes, before the restaurant scene! -- Debi, 16:09:08 03/14/10 Sun
>So this would be before the restraunt scene, right?
It is, a day or so. It give valerie some much needed peace on the subject of her ex- after the way they had last seen one another. Many many moons ago I posted a scene where he came to see her after his current wife had left him. He was drunk and it got worse from there. I'll check the redundancies and fix them up. Thanks susiej!
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Re: Line,please response. -- Lady Morilka, 07:04:43 03/29/10 Mon
>Excerpt from New Tricks, copyright 2010, Debi
>Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and
>critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>************
>It was dark by the time they got to the exit onto the
>Florida Turnpike. The highway was surrounded by solid
>woods, with only the occasional glimpse of lights in
>the distance to indicate any human habitation.
>Daniel’s mind wandered, wondering what kind of fool’s
>errand he’d gotten himself into.
I stumble across the "errand" here, maybe mission or something along that line would fit better. JMHO
He couldn’t foresee
>anything really you can dut the "really" here.
positive coming out of this trip. Last
>November, when he’d dragged Ben away from Valerie, a
>little black flower of hatred had bloomed. nice image!
The
>intervening time had limited its growth, but he could
>feel it stirring again, If the growth is limited, it is still growing and thus stirring! For it to stirr AGAIN, it would have to be completly still before.
eager for another incident to
>make it grow. When he’d seen that man’s hands tangled
>in Valerie’s clothing, right before she’d landed her
>knee in her ex-husband’s crotch, Daniel could have
>murdered Ben with no regrets. The fact that he’d Not sure, wouldn't just "he had" be enough? had
>to restrain Valerie from doing that exact thing
>moments later just made him love her more. It was
>warped, but it was truth.
>
>Drawn out of his reverie by the landscape rushing by,The landscape was already rushing by before, so what made him look up, that it was faster?! needs to be more clear I think
>he took a moment to estimate their speed. Way more
>than the legal limit; by his visual calculation they
>were hovering somewhere close to ninety-five. Glancing
>over, he saw Valerie staring at the road ahead, hands
>gripping the wheel, a nameless expression of tension
>and apprehension on her face. good visual image
>
>“Sweetie?”
>
>“Hmm?”
>
>“Check your gauges.”
>
>He could I would add an "exactly" here or something along that line. Otherwise the sentense doesnt seem to say something untill you continue reading.
tell the moment she saw their speed. A quick
>intake of breath was sighed back out and her foot came
>up off the accelerator. Lights ahead announced their
>rapid approach to the Okahumpka service plaza. Valerie
>flipped the turn indicator on and they made the
>entrance, parking in an open spot near the sidewalk.
>Without a word, Valerie gathered her bag and exited
>the car, leaving the keys in the ignition.
>
>With a small smile, Daniel reached over and pulled
>them out, getting out of the passenger side to follow
>her in. A dark blue car pulled into the open space
>beside the car and the driver’s door opened. A man in
>a uniform got out and approached Daniel. Ok, here the timing is not completly clear, if the man pulls in when Daniel gets out, he would have seen that he got out of the passenger side, if he is a bit later, than how did he figure out that daniel belonged to the car he was looking for. Maybe if daniel heads over to the driverside to look the car or something like that would make the timing clear.
>
>“Is everything all right?”
>
>Daniel nodded, with small inward cringe. It was a
>Florida Highway Patrol uniform. “Yes sir.”
>
>“Were you driving just now?”
>
>“No sir, my girlfriend. She’s just gone inside.”
>
>“Were you arguing or upset?”
>
>Daniel nodded. “She’s had some bad news. We’re headed
>down to Miami to see a friend that’s ill.” You said in the explanation that they don't know that Ben has cancer, but they know he is ill? Just wondering.
>
>The officer nodded. “I’m actually on my way home, but
>when you blew past I had to check things out. She
>okay?”
>
>Daniel shrugged. “She will be.”
>
>“You are going to drive the rest of the way, correct?”
>
>“Yes sir.”
>
>The officer nodded.”Good. Though, I will have to say,
>she was doing a damned fine job of driving.” He opened
>his car door to get back in. “You folks have a nice
>night now.” Nice turn!
>
>“Thank you sir. You too.”
>
>Daniel watched him drive away with a swell of relief
>and went inside to find Valerie.
>
>She was sitting in Starbuck’s next to the window, a
>fragrant cup of coffee in front of her. She shoved her
>wallet over at him. “How much do I owe for the ticket?
>There’s a hundred dollars in there. That’s all I have.
>I’ll have to get you the rest when I get paid.”
Ok, I feel a bit of here resignation here, but maybe a glimps of here expression here would make that pharagraph stronger.
>
>He sat down and pushed her money back to her. “No
>ticket.
>Apparently he was so impressed with your driving
>skills he decided not the charge you. You don’t sully
>a work of art by asking for money.”
Sounds like the old Daniel I rememer from the begin of their relationship, I like that.
>
>She gave him a suspicious glance. “Bullshit.”
>
>He snickered. “Well, only partly. He did say he was
>impressed by your driving. He was off duty but had to
>find out what was going on after you flew by like the
>wind.”
>
>“No ticket?”
>
>“If there had been, you’d have had to produce a
>license, name rank and serial number, all that, right.”
Great whay of convincing, clear and not too many words, made it through her dark thoughts.
>
>She heaved a great sigh and shook her head. “I’m sorry
>Daniel. I just got kinda lost in my thoughts. I had no
>idea I was going that fast.”
>
>He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Not to
>worry. But I am under orders to drive from now on.”
>
>“No problem.”
>
>“You know, it’s still a long way to go. Why don’t we
>find someplace in Orlando to stop and rest a few
>hours?”
>
>“But I need to get down south—“
>
>“Miami will still be there tomorrow, right?”
>
>“But-“
>
>“Right?” He leaned forward and took her chin in his
>hand for a moment.
>
>She nodded with great reluctance. “Right.” Tucking her
>wallet back into her bag, she got to her feet. “Ready
>to go?”
She has coffee now, is it your purpose that she doesn't even offer some to Daniel?
>
>He rose, pulling her to him for a moment. “Ready.”
A nice little scene and a good intermezzo, for a whole chapter I think it is not long enought. But it looks like there is more to come ;)
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Thank you both! -- Debi, 12:44:41 03/30/10 Tue
I do so enjoy when these two talk to me. I will be clearing up some of those points you brought up, Lady M. Good suggestions there. I appreciate your reading it.
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Hey Debi! >>> -- Esther, 10:15:32 03/29/10 Mon
Well, I always like to see Daniel and Valerie, but I think you nailed it with this one. It started with the way Daniel came out of his musings and saw the landscape blurring by. It put me right there. And then when he said to check your gauges? That was just so Daniel the pilot coming out and I loved it. I also sensed the apprehension Valerie was experiencing and you did a great job carrying it through the whole scene, starting with the speed, the leaving the keys in the ignition and then her befuddlement with the ticket. Well done!
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Thanks Esther! -- debikm, 21:21:11 04/01/10 Thu
>Well, I always like to see Daniel and Valerie, but I
>think you nailed it with this one. It started with
>the way Daniel came out of his musings and saw the
>landscape blurring by. It put me right there. And
>then when he said to check your gauges? That was just
>so Daniel the pilot coming out and I loved it. I also
>sensed the apprehension Valerie was experiencing and
>you did a great job carrying it through the whole
>scene, starting with the speed, the leaving the keys
>in the ignition and then her befuddlement with the
>ticket. Well done!
Thanks! Daniel's not the kind to get excited and startle her and possibly cause more problems. He's almost always calm, so it seemed the best way for him to remedy their hurtling along. He's so good for Valerie, she of the hyperactive mind. I'm glad you feel I'm true to the characters. They are quite real in many ways.
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