Date Posted:01:15:07 12/06/09 Sun Author:Page Subject: Holy smoke, I almost missed this! I've gotta learn to scroll down when I log on >>>> In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Molly and Gil" on 19:54:39 11/29/09 Sun
>No Page, not one of those kinds of scenes, though I
>did write one earlier that kinda took me by surprise.
>I'll review it and see what needs to be fixed, then
>I'll pass it along.
What? Me? Am I that obvious? Of course I am. So is it fixed? The whole "took me by surprise" has me intrigued...
>
>This scene, as I said, is not that one. I chose the
>second option from the homework. This is what I came
>up with. Mind you, it's part of the over 10,000 words
>I've written in the past 24 hours. Forgive me if it's
>weird.
>
>Downtown Babylon, Debi Matlack, copyright 2009.
>All rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique
>purposes only, does not constitute publication.
>**************
>That Sunday, Molly had Jimmy come in his van and pick
>up Declan for a visit. Then she and Gil got on the
>motorcycle and went for a ride. The spring air was
>warm and fragrant, giving just a hint of the heat to
>come again when summer arrived, in about a week. They
>had no particular destination in mind and no schedule
>to which they had to adhere. They ended up in St
>Augustine and Molly’s belly informed them both it was
>time to eat with a loud rumble.
>
>Gil grinned as he doffed his helmet. “I guess we
>better feed you before you start looking at my like
>I’m lunch.”
>
>“Either way,” she agreed. “This is a little more
>public than my tastes run to for the other, but I’ll
>take a rain check.”
Okay, at least I'm not alone in thinking what I thought when he said that. LOL
>He pulled her to him as they waited to cross the busy
>road. “It’s a deal.”
>
>They ended up in a seafood restaurant that sat right
>over the water. A gull perched on the other side of
>the rail and eyed Molly. She gave the upstart bird a
>flat stare. “Not a chance bub. I feed you, and then
>it’s like an Alfred Hitchcock movie.”
No kidding! Anyone who has ever been mobbed by gulls will sit up at this juncture, and yell, "Right on!"
>After they ordered, Gil reached across the table and
>took her hands in his own. They were still warm from
>the gloves. He looked at her with an odd, soft
>expression on his face. Molly became curious, an
>interest stained with just a hint of suspicion.
>
>“What?”
>
>“What, what?” he grinned. “Can’t a man just hold his
>lady’s hand?”
>
>A little smile teased its way out from the corners of
>her mouth. “I guess so. But you seem a little edgy.
>What’s up?”
>
>He shrugged, his thumb tracing over the back of her
>hand in slow patterns. He knew that touch would
>distract her, damn him.
>
>“I just wanted to talk to you about us.”
>
>Suspicion leaped to the forefront as she looked up to
>meet his eyes, no longer thinking about the hypnotic
>feel of his hand on her skin. “What about us?”
I know why she's suspicious. Men never want to talk about relationships. Sports, cars, electronic gadgets, yes. Relationships, no. So if he's bringing it up, then it's heavy.
>The disbelief in her voice must have not been
>suppressed as much as it should have been. Gil sat
>back, letting go of her hand abruptly.
>
>“Never mind.”
>
>“No, Gil. Tell me what you want to say.”
>
>“Why, so you can shrug and laugh?”
I know this was written during a marathon, but this part has me a tad confused. If she sounded suspicious and in disbelief, why would Gil think she'd shrug and laugh?
>“What?” Now she was on the defensive. “I’ve never
>laughed at you, not about something important. This
>seems like it means a lot to you.” She reached across
>and touched the back of his hand. “I’m sorry.”
>
>With a grudging glance, he nodded. “Yeah, me too.
>Guess I’m just still a little weirded out by
>everything lately. Last time I was out things didn’t
>go well, and I was flat broke when I got back to you.
>It all just… piled up.” He let her pull his hand back
>between them on the table and this time it was she
>that stroked his hand soothingly.
>
>“It’s okay. Was that all?”
>
>He was quiet for a long moment and Molly wondered if
>he was going to say anything else at all. His gaze was
>fixed on the top of the lighthouse, just visible
>across the inlet from them.
>
>“I guess I realized something else last time too. I’m
>not cut out for the road any more. I love the life,
>love the people, but I just can’t keep it up. You know
>how sand in an hourglass seems to flow faster as the
>amount in the top half decreases? That's what my life
>feels like.” He smiled at her, a rueful expression. “I
>guess I’m just getting old.”
>
>“Got news for you, honey,” she told him, “I feel about
>a million years old, every time you leave.”
Awww...
>“How about if I don’t do that to you anymore?”
>
>Her eyes widened as she took in the meaning of his
>words.
>To have Gil stay, never have to miss him again, it was
>an idea too alien for her to conceive. “Are you sure
>we won’t kill each other after a couple of months?”
>
>His heartfelt laugh did much to soothe her fears. “I’m
>not making any guarantees, but I will do my level best
>to stay the hell out of your business, in all the
>meanings that entails, if you’ll do me the same favor.”
>
>Molly shifted her hand in his grasp until it was a
>handshake. They pumped their hands once, both of them
>grinning like idiots.
>
>“It’s a deal.”
>
>“Now I do have some things I have to wrap up out
>there. No, I swear before God it isn’t another woman.
>I know what you’re thinking.”
>
>Molly snorted and nodded. “Okay, I believe you. Now,
>if you’ll just do me the honor of contacting me once
>in a while while you’re gone, that would make
>everything as close to perfect as it could possibly
>be.”
>
>“What do you mean?”
>
>“I mean pick up a phone and tell me you didn’t die in
>a fiery crash, embedded in the grill of a long haul
>truck on that crotch rocket.”
>
>Now Gil laughed. Laying his hand over his heart, he
>intoned, “I, Gilbert Anthony Freeman, being of off
>balance mind and smoking hot body—“ LOL!
she reached across
>the table and smacked him on the arm—“do solemnly
>swear that I will call home and reassure you of my
>continued existence. I do further avow that I will
>return home to you, Molly Abigail Whelan—“ this earned
>him another whack—“my lady of my heart, also of the
>smoking hot body.” He lifted her hand to his lips and
>pressed them there for a long moment, his eyes glowing
>a deep blue.
>
>“This is do promise, before all these witnesses,” he
>nodded to the gulls gathering on the rail outside.
Oh, this is nice! It's a great interlude, and a very relaxed way to show more of Gil's personality, and a hint of what's been going on between the two of them. I liked it!
>>No Page, not one of those kinds of scenes, though I
>>did write one earlier that kinda took me by surprise.
>>I'll review it and see what needs to be fixed, then
>>I'll pass it along.
>
>What? Me? Am I that obvious? Of course I am. So
>is it fixed? The whole "took me by surprise" has me
>intrigued...
>>
I'm off to revisit that scene right now. Last weekend is a bit of a blur, after writing that much in just a few days...
>>
>>Gil grinned as he doffed his helmet. “I guess we
>>better feed you before you start looking at my like
>>I’m lunch.”
>>
>>“Either way,” she agreed. “This is a little more
>>public than my tastes run to for the other, but I’ll
>>take a rain check.”
>
>Okay, at least I'm not alone in thinking what I
>thought when he said that. LOL
He's always thinking about sex, he's a man...;-)
>>“I just wanted to talk to you about us.”
>>
>>Suspicion leaped to the forefront as she looked up to
>>meet his eyes, no longer thinking about the hypnotic
>>feel of his hand on her skin. “What about us?”
>
>I know why she's suspicious. Men never want
>to talk about relationships. Sports, cars, electronic
>gadgets, yes. Relationships, no. So if he's bringing
>it up, then it's heavy.
Ain't it the truth...
>>“Never mind.”
>>
>>“No, Gil. Tell me what you want to say.”
>>
>>“Why, so you can shrug and laugh?”
>
>I know this was written during a marathon, but this
>part has me a tad confused. If she sounded suspicious
>and in disbelief, why would Gil think she'd shrug and
>laugh?
I honestly don't know. I need to revisit this and try to clarify what they were telling me. He got his feelings in a bunch and was reluctant to tell her (or me) why, so I'm going to have to investigate further.
>>“I guess I realized something else last time too. I’m
>>not cut out for the road any more. I love the life,
>>love the people, but I just can’t keep it up. You know
>>how sand in an hourglass seems to flow faster as the
>>amount in the top half decreases? That's what my life
>>feels like.” He smiled at her, a rueful expression. “I
>>guess I’m just getting old.”
>>
>>“Got news for you, honey,” she told him, “I feel about
>>a million years old, every time you leave.”
>
>Awww...
Well, she does...;-) She wanted him to stay for a long time, but never felt she should ask.
>
>Oh, this is nice! It's a great interlude, and a
>very relaxed way to show more of Gil's personality,
>and a hint of what's been going on between the two of
>them. I liked it!
Thank you. Downtown Babylon still has a lot going on, but I think I have the bones of the story in place. Now just to flesh it out a bit more.
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