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Date Posted: 20:43:14 10/24/09 Sat
Author: Debi
Subject: Come along now... ;-)
In reply to:
Debi
's message, "Can't remember if I've posted this bit or not..." on 20:07:11 10/24/09 Sat
The evening of the plane ride; how they ended up in that hotel room...
Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright 2008-2009, Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing and critique purposes only, does not constitute publication.
The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting darker and more threatening. They got back into the car and began heading back the forty-five miles to Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he became more distressed the darker the sky became. A few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the computer.
“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Rolling the window down, she glanced over at him. His brow was furrowed, the slight cleft in his chin more prominent now with tension. Cool rain-scented wind came through the window in gusts, the odd drop of precipitation hitting her face. Maybe a bit of levity was in order.
“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out of gas.’?”
A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed, reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I guess we’d better get started.”
Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
He gave her a curious look. “It will. The report said clearing overnight. If this one isn’t lying.”
“Then why can’t we fly back in the morning? I don’t have anywhere I have to be tomorrow.”
His look turned speculative and his brows shot skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his clothes and having her way with him. However, acting on that impulse was not part of the master plan. “Not at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and returned to the business at hand.
“So we need to find someplace to stay then.”
With a nod, Daniel turned the ignition and started the car. The lights of a couple of hotels could be seen nearby in the gathering gloom. After he had reversed and turned the car back toward the road, he looked at her and smiled. “So, would you like a room where we can watch the storm coming in? It’s heading in right off the Atlantic.”
She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep works for me. You’re the man with a plan.” She looked out at the sky. “Though I do like the beach at night.”
They found a hotel on the beach that had a nice view of the ocean and surrounding marshes. The desk clerk directed them to a nearby shopping center where they could purchase night clothes and other necessities.
Valerie tried to slip away so she could go through the cashier’s line without him, fully intending to pay for her own things but he refused to let her lose him in the store. Her most valiant attempts to distract him or vanish went ignored and she gave up, convinced he was part bloodhound.
“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
“I know you are capable, but you don’t have to. Our having to stay is my fault so I’m taking responsibility for it.”
“It’s not your fault a storm is coming.”
“But I should have been more vigilant about the changing weather.” He gave her a long look as they stood in line, waiting their turn to pay. “You’re not the only stubborn person here.” He reached for the small bundle of stuff in her arms and she turned away from him with a grin, clutching her packages tighter.
“No, I’m not, but you still have to get them from me.”
Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows. “Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her, one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and temptations, very aware of how public they were. Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express her displeasure at his overt assumption of control. She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and all her weight. Not much of a threat against a man who could navigate a primordial swamp with nothing more than a big stick and an incompetent companion, but her action elicited a soft grunt of surprise from him. His voice whispered in her ear before he let her hands go.
“Bitch.”
Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “That’s Ms. Bitch to you,” and stepped away.
Their merchandise was being totaled and he already had his card out. With a sigh, Valerie conceded the round to him.
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I don’t follow direction too well, but I did come along later *G* >>> -- Esther, 13:44:23 10/27/09 Tue
And remembered again why I like this story. You’ve managed to get the perfect combination of humour and tension that highlights this couple and intrigues me. I smiled at this
“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out of gas.’?”
Pictured the ottoman with this
His look turned speculative and his brows shot skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
Noticed how the thought of each of them getting their own room wasn’t an option here
It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his clothes and having her way with him. However, acting on that impulse was not part of the master plan. “Not at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and returned to the business at hand.
Liked how she indicated her expectations and then gave him back control, only to have the last word so to speak here
She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep works for me. You’re the man with a plan.” She looked out at the sky. “Though I do like the beach at night.”
Was rooting for Daniel when he
Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows. “Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her, one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and temptations, very aware of how public they were. Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express her displeasure at his overt assumption of control. She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and all her weight. Not much of a threat against a man who could navigate a primordial swamp with nothing more than a big stick and an incompetent companion, but her action elicited a soft grunt of surprise from him. His voice whispered in her ear before he let her hands go.
And even though she stepped on his toes, was kinda disappointed at his choice of words here
“Bitch.”
But…awesome work. Lots of stuff going on. I do have one itsy bitsy suggestion. Show, don’t tell. You start out so great, with the description of the weather, but by the time we get to the heart of the matter, where they check into the hotel, that’s all they do. Check in. We don’t get to see if it was awkward or not, whether the clerk assumed they were together and just checked them into the one room without asking, or if Daniel and Valerie had to make a conscious decision to share. Or maybe, only one room was available and it forced them to co inhabit for the night. Inquiring minds you know…. *G*
Hugs
Esther
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Thanks for the ideas! -- Debi, 20:14:46 10/27/09 Tue
I really appreciate the suggestions you made. I did gloss over the check-in process because nothing demanded I write more about it at the time. But your ideas are making that little spark brighten in my mind. I'll play with it some more with your thoughts in mind.
Gotta get a little more work on this done before NaNoWriMo!
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Coming, coming! >>>> -- 
Page, 15:19:21 10/28/09 Wed
>Excerpt from Old Dogs, copyright 2008-2009,
>Debi Matlack, all rights reserved. Posted for sharing
>and critique purposes only, does not constitute
>publication.
>
>
>The sun flirted with the clouds the rest of the
>afternoon but finally lost the game, the sky getting
>darker and more threatening. They got back into the
>car and began heading back the forty-five miles to
>Hilton Head. Valerie wasn’t too worried; she knew
>Daniel wouldn’t endanger her to get them home. But he
>became more distressed the darker the sky became. A
>few fat drops of rain splattered the windshield as
>they parked. He opened the laptop and checked the
>weather. A sigh gusted out of him as he closed the
>computer.
>
>“Valerie, I’m so sorry. I checked the weather before
>we left this morning and this wasn’t supposed to
>happen.”
He's obviously been listening to the meteorologists on my local television station...
>Rolling the window down, she glanced over at him. His
>brow was furrowed, the slight cleft in his chin more
>prominent now with tension. Cool rain-scented wind
>came through the window in gusts, the odd drop of
>precipitation hitting her face. Maybe a bit of levity
>was in order.
>
>“Is this the aviation equivalent of ‘Whoops, we’re out
>of gas.’?”
LOL! Great!!
>A small snort escaped him before he could stop it. “I
>honestly didn’t mean to strand us here.” He sighed,
>reaching for the ignition to start the car again. “I
>guess we’d better get started.”
>
>Valerie shook her head. “Won’t the weather clear up?”
>
>He gave her a curious look. “It will. The report said
>clearing overnight. If this one isn’t lying.”
>
>“Then why can’t we fly back in the morning? I don’t
>have anywhere I have to be tomorrow.”
>
>His look turned speculative and his brows shot
>skyward. “Are you trying to seduce me?”
>
>It was her turn to snort. In all honesty, it wouldn’t
>be the first time she’d thought about ripping off his
>clothes and having her way with him. However, acting
>on that impulse was not part of the master plan. “Not
>at all. Just trying to make suggestions that will get
>us and your plane back home.” Still, the idea of being
>alone with him in a hotel room held some appeal. Quite
>a lot actually. Especially with the wind whipping his
>hair over his forehead, flattening his shirt against
>his chest. Valerie reined her disobedient thoughts in
>with an iron grip. That way lies madness… and
>returned to the business at hand.
Yes, but that way lies ecstasy, too. *G*
>
>“So we need to find someplace to stay then.”
>
>With a nod, Daniel turned the ignition and started the
>car. The lights of a couple of hotels could be seen
>nearby in the gathering gloom. After he had reversed
>and turned the car back toward the road, he looked at
>her and smiled. “So, would you like a room where we
>can watch the storm coming in? It’s heading in right
>off the Atlantic.”
>
I think it's very telling that both Daniel and Valerie just took it as fact they'd be staying in the same room -- Val with her brief fantasy of being alone with him in a hotel room, and Daniel's wording of his question: "Would you like A room where we can watch..." Freudian slip? Or premeditation? Hmmm....
>She shrugged with a smile. “Someplace I can sleep
>works for me. You’re the man with a plan.” She looked
>out at the sky. “Though I do like the beach at night.”
>
>They found a hotel on the beach that had a nice view
>of the ocean and surrounding marshes. The desk clerk
>directed them to a nearby shopping center where they
>could purchase night clothes and other necessities.
Okay, here I'd like to see how they checked in. How'd they end up with one room? Hotels all overbooked because of college gameday, or a convention of Shriners in town? To save money? Was it awkward? Was there a thrill of "Ooh, we're going to be sharing a room!" Two double beds, or one king-size? Inquiring minds wanna know. *G*
>
>Valerie tried to slip away so she could go through the
>cashier’s line without him, fully intending to pay for
>her own things but he refused to let her lose him in
>the store. Her most valiant attempts to distract him
>or vanish went ignored and she gave up, convinced he
>was part bloodhound.
>
>“I can buy my own toothpaste and pajamas.”
>
>“I know you are capable, but you don’t have to. Our
>having to stay is my fault so I’m taking
>responsibility for it.”
>
>“It’s not your fault a storm is coming.”
>
>“But I should have been more vigilant about the
>changing weather.” He gave her a long look as they
>stood in line, waiting their turn to pay. “You’re not
>the only stubborn person here.” He reached for the
>small bundle of stuff in her arms and she turned away
>from him with a grin, clutching her packages tighter.
>
>“No, I’m not, but you still have to get them from me.”
>
>Daniel cocked his head at her and raised his brows.
>“Oh, that’s not a problem. I like a challenge.” He
>laid his items on the checkout belt and smiled before
>stepping behind her and wrapping his arms around her,
>one hand on each of her wrists. Without apparent
>effort, he maneuvered her to the belt, then pulled her
>arms apart, dumping her things with his. His warm
>proximity took her by surprise and she slammed her
>mental door shut on any wayward thoughts and
>temptations, very aware of how public they were.
>Unable to do anything about his arms and hands, and
>not really wanting to, Valerie still wanted to express
>her displeasure at his overt assumption of control.
>She stepped back onto his toes with both her heels and
>all her weight. Not much of a threat against a man who
>could navigate a primordial swamp with nothing more
>than a big stick and an incompetent companion, but her
>action elicited a soft grunt of surprise from him. His
>voice whispered in her ear before he let her hands go.
>
>“Bitch.”
>
>Turning back to smile up at him, she murmured, “That’s
>Ms. Bitch to you,” and stepped away.
>
>Their merchandise was being totaled and he already had
>his card out. With a sigh, Valerie conceded the round
>to him.
I like the fact that being with Valerie caused Daniel to lose track of the clouds moving in. His focus was on her, and his pilot's instincts got lost in her. Love that! And, too, it's very believable that the weather would strand them, as squalls move in off the water with little warning. (They're like cats, arent' they? Suddenly deciding they have to be somewhere else RIGHT NOW. *G*) It's also very cool the way Valerie's excitement at being stranded with Daniel keeps popping up, even though she tries to keep it at bay.
Other than wondering how they ended up in the same room, this is super! Getting two characters stranded together could seem contrived, but you avoided that completely, making it one of those things that could happen to anyone. Love it!
Hugs,
Page
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dropping by swiftly -- dea, 16:42:59 10/28/09 Wed
i agree with Esther and Page about the check-in scene; it deserves to be written.
what i did not like very much was Valerie stepping on his toes. or Daniel's reply. i cannot avoid thinking it was a tad offensive. because it really hurts, you know? it's not a slight poke on the ribs, for instance. i don't know, i think it's too soon to associate pain with pleasure. they're not that intimate, are they? maybe it's just me, but it sort of makes Valerie look silly. not the "i'm-in-love" silly, just immature. maybe tickling would be nicer. and the idea i have of Daniel is that of a gentleman. i don't think he would say "bitch" to her, let alone in a public situation. instead he could say a generic "bugger" - he's English, is he, if I remember well. they could laugh about it, break the tension. even though they end up trashing the room later. do i make any sense?
Last edited by author: Thu October 29, 2009 10:23:09
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