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Date Posted: 12:37:49 06/30/01 Sat
Author: Rich
Subject: Okay, I posted this shit about two months ago, but I've made additions and help me come up with a concluding sentence...

ALONG CAME A SPIDER (2001)

"Transparent and it's clumsy."


Along Came A Spider is a load of hoary old dick clichés strung around glaring plot improbabilities into something remotely resembling a story.

What really galls about the movie is that it sets itself up as a middlebrow psychological kidnap hunt (You know, the sort where the lone cop tries to keep the man talking on the end of the line where he traces the call? The sort of film you feel you've already seen at least twenty-seven times in the last year?) yet never gets out of gear. It brags and postures over its own believed intellectualism, yet we find out nothing that's even remotely deep-felt throughout the entire duration. Instead lots of second-rate actors trudge through a fifth-rate script trying to look vaguely interested.

Morgan Freeman, the one decent actor in the piece, struggles gamely to keep awake as all around him descends into formula. You can almost hear him thinking "this was much better when we did it in Se7en." Yet Se7en had Caucasian pretty boy Brad Pitt, and so the aged black Freeman finds himself with a lacklustre script merely due to the fact he's not Hollywood's preferred "type".

As a sequel to the superior – yet still run-of-the-mill – Kiss The Girls (***), it’s too gimmicky and lacks the cinematic genius to stage its final confrontation to the sound of Little Richard. The only element that holds any kind of interest is the twist ending, but it's one that's as ludicrous as the rest of the underdeveloped film. For a surprise twist Morgan could've pulled a bunch of pineapples out his back passage, mooned at the camera and joined the rest of the cast in a rousing rendition of Boney M’s "Ra Ra Rasputin." Just because something is unexpected does not mean it's any good, or even plausible. A twist ending shouldn't just equal something you didn't expect, but something that arises logically out of the plot. In fairness, I should have seen it coming anyway. I guess sleep had set in by that point.

The really worrying thing is the makers of this tired by the numbers "thriller" (Is the film in violation of the Trades Descriptions Act?) seem to think audiences will be too stupid to realise what a lame movie this is.



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