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Date Posted: 05:38:49 01/27/04 Tue
Author: Jenifer
Subject: Wish me luck!

I finally made my appointment for my follow-up OBGYN visit after my miscarriage. I've just been avoiding it all together. I hope I make it through all this ice, it's really nasty out there now, but I know if I put it off again, I won't go back. I just don't want to have to speak to the doctor in their cold clinical terms about my precious Anna, who was no more than a fetus to them.

I've also been experiencing continued pregnancy symptoms, and in the back of my mind I've hoped, since I have been pregnant with twins before, that there is one still there. I guess I don't want to have to deal with them telling me that is not a possibility.

I've had a phantom pregnancy after a miscarriage before and it was heartbreaking to deal with. THis been driving me crazy and I've only shared it with two of my sisters and my DH. I had a blessing right before I lost Anna that talked of miracles, beyond the doc understandings and then we lost her. They did an u/s in the ER, and it showed a shadow that the tech couldn't identify. He passed it off as blood, or something else, I didn't catch what it was.

I know I'm grasping at straws, but I have to know one way or the other. My sanity needs it. My poor DH needs it. My heart needs it. So please keep me in your prayers. My appt. is a 11:30am. Some "no slipping on the ice" vibes would be nice to.

Jenifer,
Mother to six earth angels and seven angels in Heaven.
Our newest angel left us Dec. 5, 2003.
We miss you Anna Marie!

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Replies:

[> love and many hugs -- Robin, 07:51:07 01/28/04 Wed

I have suffered many 'losses' also and I understand how you feel. As for 'grasping for straws'...lots of us have done that, it's natural to want to hang onto hope. Losing a child is so unnatural and devastating to us that we sometimes reach out for those tiny little straws, maybe it's a survival tactic, maybe those straws are like branchs breaking our fall...? But I think that it is soo important to do whatever works for you. Don't hold things in because you think that it's not normal or that it'll burden someone...let it out. Let everything out..grief like laughter is best shared..and if you try to hold it in, like laughter it will find it's way out eventually except that all the while it's held in , it will be eating away at all that is good in you. I've learned this the hard way. I spent many years doing all the wrong things. Everytime I had another miscarriage I withdrew and held everything in. How can you grieve the death of your child, how can you ever heal? if you don't talk about it all? There is no right or wrong amount of time or tears. Oh, Jenifer, I am so sorry for this sorrow that you have to endure. I am so sorry that your Anna Marie cann't be with you right now. But hang onto your knowledge of your kind and loving Heavenly Father. Remember that He loves you & your hubby and all you precious little ones. When you can see nothing else, see His love, and time will pass and pain will ease. May I share with you one of my baby's stories? I remember many years ago during one of my first miscarriages, I had started to spot & the doc did an US and found no heartbeat. He told me that the baby had died and that I would have to have a D&C done right away. In the midst of my heartbreak as I sat waiting to be taken into surgery, asudden terrifying thought ran thru my head...what if they were wrong? what if my baby was still alive? But I would never know. How could I submit to this D&C? I got so upset and I prayed and begged God to help me...hard cramping started immediately and my baby came within minutes just before I was taken into surgery. My kind Father in Heaven saw my need. I got to deliver my darling baby in a way that was the least upsetting to me. I got to see her, tiny and pefect.He needed her home. I needed to know. And in that horrible life shattering day when I was blinded with grief...I saw HIS love.


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[> [> Thank you for sharing Robin. m... -- Jenifer, 16:32:52 01/28/04 Wed

I have felt my Father's love many times. I have also felt the Savior's comfort and it has been what has ultimately sustained me. Your story was interesting, as it paralleled one of mine. I carried a sac long after one of my angels, Daniel Lee, was gone. I had been having very light and strange periods for a few months, and though I felt pregnant, hpts were coming back neg. So I just went on, not letting myself get attached, I knew though, I always have. Finally I let my heart get involved.

When I got a pos test, I went to the doc. Since my periods had been weird, they sent me in for testing. The u/s showed no heartbeat and a sack about half the size I knew the baby should have been. The doc brought up the possibility of D and C. I baulked, I had just accepted this little thing into my heart, he had to be there.

After several weeks and at least 4 u/s I prayed to the Lord to let me know what to do, and give me the strength to make the decision to do the D and C. I have a health condition that made it risky to wait anymore. After the last u/s, we scheduled the procedure, and a sense of peace came over me. I had made that difficult decision. I knew this procedure is similar to what they do for an abortion. My mother and aunt had both gone through D and C and their experiences haunted me, but I had made the decision, despite my aversion. I miscarried naturally 3 days before the D and C was sceduled. I had carried that sac for 20 weeks. I felt it was important that I worked that all out, but the Lord spared me actually going through with it.

I have felt the Lord's hand throughout my entire life. He has let me know the tough experiences I've had to go through were to help me grow and bring me closer to him. I guess I'm just impatient and want everything spelling out in black and white, but that path brings no growth.

Thank you again for your uplifting thoughts.

Jenifer,
Mother to six earth angels and seven angels in Heaven.
Our newest angel left us Dec. 5, 2003.
We miss you Anna Marie!


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[> [> Fooey! They closed the doc's office. -- Jenifer, 16:38:25 01/28/04 Wed

I trudged out in all the ice, slid almost into a bush, and they were closed. :-(

I did make another appointment tomorrow at 10:30am, so, I try again. I'll update then.

Jenifer,
Mother to six earth angels and seven angels in Heaven.
Our newest angel left us Dec. 5, 2003.
We miss you Anna Marie!


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