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Monday, July 21, 09:27:37am [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6 ]

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Date Posted: 18:28:41 10/26/03 Sun
Author: Joanne
Subject: Well, I am a Perinatal Bereavement Counsellor.....m
In reply to: Heather 's message, "how do deal with the ANGER" on 15:41:27 10/26/03 Sun

And this is very normal - anger plays a huge part in our grieving process. What the anger is based upon is that there is a huge difference between grieving, which everyone expects you to do, and mourning. Mourning is the outward public part of grieving and is basically ignored after the first few wks. Mourning a death can often take years to work through. You're just at the beginning, you have a right to be angry, you have the right to feel like you don't fit in (you don't fit into what our church members deem as 'normal family' as you are the parent of a child you cannot touch or see) and you have the right to do whatever you feel like to release that anger.

What did I do? I wish I had thought of dishes to break! Not me though - I refused to look at my own reflection in the mirror. And when I had to, I would hit myself with a brush, as a punishment for somehow failing Hannah. If I wasn't looking at my own reflection and the anger built up, I would yell at God that it wasn't fair that she was gone - that she was supposed to be with me, not with Him. Other things, like at church, I just excused myself and sat in the van, took a walk, hid in a bathroom stall - anything and everything you do right now has to be to protect the self. Don't worry what anyone else will think, you do what you have to do and nothing else.

And it does get better, but with lots of time - lots of patience with ourselves - lots of patience with our spouses - lots of patience with our children - lots of patience with everyone. And frankly, I find that completely unfair. Mourning is a very daunting process, it is really intimidating and there is no manual on how to do it. As you begin to work through this very early part, you will find ways/means to make yourself more comfortable as you walk the path.

I have little regard for anyone who cannot at least sympathize with the pain involved with our losses. I have little respect for those who profess gladness and joy and that their grieving was not painful, but joyful because of the plan of salvation. Trust me, I've heard them - often - and from the same family. It is a natural human process to grieve, to mourn and to have a need to understand.

Heather, I cannot promise you that you will ever understand. But I can promise you that the more you work, however hard this is, towards the goals we have in life, you will come to a point where what your head and heart say are the same thing. Right now, your head is saying one thing and your heart another - which is very normal - but because the two statements are so opposite, anger rears it's ugly head.

J

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