VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

Monday, June 17, 06:20:43am [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 15:41:27 10/26/03 Sun
Author: Heather
Subject: how do deal with the ANGER

I am having a very hard time not being ANGERY that Noah isn't with us. We left church early because everyone else has a baby and we don't. I just cannot stand it. I thought this was going to get eaiser! I am finding myself withdrawing from my family and ward because I just don't fit in anymore. (I guess my life is just not the same and I don't know who I am anymore!) I am lost and on a spiral downward!

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> If I was a psychiatrist I would tell you that anger is just another step in the grieving process -- lynece, 16:11:39 10/26/03 Sun

But, I'm not and I know exactly where you are coming from. I avoided church so much in the early months. Our church is so focused on families and yet, doesn't seem to support those of us that are trying to have that perfect family and have children taken from us. I remember a time after I had lost both my babies and the speaker was literally telling us that if we didn't multiply and replenish the earth we would be damned! I ran out of the chapel and spent the rest of the meeting crying in a stall in the bathroom. Or when they pass around the due date list in RS. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

My advice is, don't keep the anger in! You must find a way to let it out. My hubby was so good at just letting me vent away about it all. I threw pillows (and like I said in response to Marie's post, my bishops wife actually bought dishes to shatter) I remember being so angry at God that I couldn't pray or read my scriptures.

You are correct. You are not the same woman you were before Noah and you can never go back there. But this doesn't mean you're not a good woman. You will be a stronger woman after this in ways that you'd never have chosen for yourself. And I will promise you that the anger will fade with time. Just writing this out I realize that although I can feel almost every emotion the same as almost 8 years ago, I don't feel the anger as vividly.

Hang in there Heather. HF loves you even if you can't feel it right now and you will make it through this. BTW, I did think of Noah on his angel day, but didn't get a chance to post.

Love, Lynece


[ Edit | View ]

[> [> Thanks Lynece, -- Heather, 17:55:33 10/26/03 Sun

Glad that I am not the only one that has felt this way.
Thank you for thinking of us on Noahs 2 month Angel day, (on the 22nd) We had a hard day but we push on. The tears still flow freely!!!


[ Edit | View ]

[> Well, I am a Perinatal Bereavement Counsellor.....m -- Joanne, 18:28:41 10/26/03 Sun

And this is very normal - anger plays a huge part in our grieving process. What the anger is based upon is that there is a huge difference between grieving, which everyone expects you to do, and mourning. Mourning is the outward public part of grieving and is basically ignored after the first few wks. Mourning a death can often take years to work through. You're just at the beginning, you have a right to be angry, you have the right to feel like you don't fit in (you don't fit into what our church members deem as 'normal family' as you are the parent of a child you cannot touch or see) and you have the right to do whatever you feel like to release that anger.

What did I do? I wish I had thought of dishes to break! Not me though - I refused to look at my own reflection in the mirror. And when I had to, I would hit myself with a brush, as a punishment for somehow failing Hannah. If I wasn't looking at my own reflection and the anger built up, I would yell at God that it wasn't fair that she was gone - that she was supposed to be with me, not with Him. Other things, like at church, I just excused myself and sat in the van, took a walk, hid in a bathroom stall - anything and everything you do right now has to be to protect the self. Don't worry what anyone else will think, you do what you have to do and nothing else.

And it does get better, but with lots of time - lots of patience with ourselves - lots of patience with our spouses - lots of patience with our children - lots of patience with everyone. And frankly, I find that completely unfair. Mourning is a very daunting process, it is really intimidating and there is no manual on how to do it. As you begin to work through this very early part, you will find ways/means to make yourself more comfortable as you walk the path.

I have little regard for anyone who cannot at least sympathize with the pain involved with our losses. I have little respect for those who profess gladness and joy and that their grieving was not painful, but joyful because of the plan of salvation. Trust me, I've heard them - often - and from the same family. It is a natural human process to grieve, to mourn and to have a need to understand.

Heather, I cannot promise you that you will ever understand. But I can promise you that the more you work, however hard this is, towards the goals we have in life, you will come to a point where what your head and heart say are the same thing. Right now, your head is saying one thing and your heart another - which is very normal - but because the two statements are so opposite, anger rears it's ugly head.

J


[ Edit | View ]


[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-7
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.