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Thursday, November 13, 10:26:52am [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5], 6 ]

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Date Posted: 21:27:30 10/03/03 Fri
Author: Breneman
Subject: Hi everyone! My intro very long and a current preg mentioned

Hello everyone. I need to start off by saying that while I may not always have to time or inspiration to reply to every message I promise that I do read and remember in my prayers.

Some background on me and my husband: We are both life time members of the Church but had a long period of inactivity. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 14 and had just finished serving as my home teacher for several years :) We got married a few years later at 20 and 18 but didn't try to start a family for two more years. During this time we still lived in the same area, both of our parents were in the same Ward that we were, but it wasn't until our losses stared that I decided that maybe I needed something else in my life to help me survive everything that was happening.

So for my story I decided that it was time to start trying for a family. Dh wasn't as sure but was not against it so after one month of trying I was pregnant. I'm insulin dependant diabetic so I knew I needed to be seen right away but I began to spot (bleed) even before I could make it in to see the high risk OB recommend to me. I got an Ultrasound that very first visit and was told that my baby was fine just to take it easy and everything would be OK. But I kept spotting so I went back in this time I was told that there was two sacks and one was empty. That I had had twins and one had all ready been lost. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Sad for the lost but happy that I still had a little baby inside of me. A few days before the next appointment the bleeding finally stopped so I assumed that was going to be fine. I was wrong. I received another ultrasound at this visit and I was told that the other baby's heartbeat had stopped beating and I needed a D&C. I was devastated. I truly feel that I grieved for these babies a deeply but differently I did for my other children. I had the D&C on a Thur and that Sat I had to go to my grandparents 50th wedding aniv. party. While I was there I started to feel uncomfortable it slowly progressed to very painful and by the time I got home I was taking lots of pain medication trying to figure out what was happening to me. I spent the day in bed on Sun and on Mon I called by OB and went in to be seen. Once again back to the ultrasound room this time to be told that my child was still in me and I was in labor trying to expel the remains. I was immediately sent back to the hospital for another D&C, this time with an ultrasound to make sure that everything was done right.

I was later sent for some testing and told that I had a bicornuate uterus. My uterus was shaped like a heart. There is only a few centimeters of shared space between the two halve, directly above my cervix. When the first D&C was done the non preg side had been cleared out. I changed Drs at this point because I couldn't bear to visit that office anymore and I felt like my case was just getting too complicated.

Sometime during this time I began attending Church again, without my husband.

I can't remember how long but within 4 or 5 months I was preg. again. This time everyone knew about the uterus and while I wasn't promised a good outcome I felt like I was were I needed to be for my treatment. I bleed off and on for the first three months but this time I was told that it was simply the non-preg uterus still trying to have a period. The baby was implanted in the left, smaller side but everyone was still hopeful. I went in for a 17 week check and it was decided to check my cervix just to see how it was holding. Everything was fine, I went home and went to work. (I was a nanny for two young children.) Later that afternoon I started feeling some really bad gas pains. I just kept thinking that if I could just use the bathroom all of the pain I was feeling would go away. But it never did. My husband was a bar tender at this time and at about 2am at home by myself I went into the bathroom to see if I could finally go and my water broke. I knew what had happened and I knew that it wasn't good. I called my DH to tell him to get home now and paged the DR on call at the hospital to tell him what had happened. He said because I was not 20 weeks yet I would still have to be evaluated in the ER first but that he would be expecting me in L&D. When I made it to the hospital my son no longer had a heartbeat. They checked me in the ER and told me that when my water broke that the umbilical cord had slipped down and been pinched off. I was then sent up to L&D to have my labor induced, my contractions (the gas pain) had stopped. It took almost two days before I was ready to deliver. I had sent my husband to work, back to the bar, because I didn't think it was going to happen anytime soon and because of that he was not with me when I delivered. I wasn't alone, my mother, mother-in-law, and a close friend where there but I wanted my husband. It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that he wasn't there when my water broke or when our son was delivered. My son was beautiful and perfect. There was nothing wrong with him it was my body only that could not support him. We named and buried him in a family cemetery. I kept trying to figure out why this was happening to me. I did lots of research and even more crying. I was still told that there was nothing that should be done but to try again.

Five months latter I was preg again this time in the right, larger side. I announced this to my husband by telling him that he was to lie to me until he was an excited as I was because I couldn't handle any negative feeling from him. This was a very had pregnancy. At least emotionally. My mother-in-law went with me to every appointment because if I was going to get bad news I didn't want to hear it alone. At 20 weeks I started home uterine monitoring and at 28 weeks put on home bed rest because of PRE-E. At 32 weeks 2 days my water broke once again. But I wasn't scared this time. I was admitted to the hospital until delivery, which occurred at 33 weeks exactly. My daughter was beautiful. She only spent 8 days in the hospital and came home weighing 4 lbs. I almost couldn't believe that I had done it. My body had actually produced a baby that I wasn't going to have to say good bye too. I knew that I was going to have more but felt like I needed to give my body a break. I had been preg three time in just under a year and a half.

But someone had different plans. While still nursing and on the mini-pill I became preg again when my daughter was 6 months old. When I was told that this child was on the left, smaller side I was panicked. My DRs hoped that because my body had done it once it could do it again and told me not to give up hope. I prayed and prayed for the health and well being of this child. I was finally told that my son would be healthy and strong. (I have had many strong spiritual revelations during my grief and often wonder if this is part of the reason I am to endure this pain.) I stopped worrying about this child. I thought I had been told that he was a boy and would be fine. I was wrong. At 18 weeks this time I once again went into labor and delivered another daughter. She lived for two hour and my father was able to give her a name and blessing before she passed. I took me several years to understand what had happened spiritually to me during that time. I know understand that the Lord knew that I could not survive or enjoy the time that I would have with my daughter if I knew that she was leaving soon. I was not strong enough to have that information but by getting a little insight into a future pregnancy I could feel peace and enjoy the time that I did have with my daughter. This time I had done this before so in some ways to was easier while being harder too. I brought my own camera and have lots of pictures of my daughter. I already knew what I wanted and needed as far a funeral arrangements and head stone so those decisions where easier. But having to relive that I was doing this again, saying goodbye to another child. It hurt me and hurt me deeply.

I kept attending Church and slowly my husband started to attend as well. I have never felt that the death of my children was a punishment that I received because of past sinful behavior but other well meaning people have mentioned that they wish I hadn't been so sinful so Heavenly Father would not have had to get my attention it such a dramatic way. I can understand their thinking but I do not think that my children have to pay for my sins with their lives.

After this loss is was decided that unification surgery on my uterus was called for. It was not suggested earlier because if something was to go wrong during surgery then I would have been left with no uterus and no chance of having children. I had the surgery, everything went beautifully and exactly three months latter I was preg again.

This preg was very different for me. I was very calm but still worried about my new unknown uterus. But when I was told that the child I was carrying was a son I knew that everything was going to fine. It was but I was lucky. It was discovered at his delivery that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. The umbilical was not connected into the placenta correctly and was in front of my cervix. If I had not had a c-section (my first one but the way all of my children must be delivered now) he would have died. The cord would have detached in a vaginal delivery and he would have bled to death before he could have been delivered. I still feel so blessed to have him here with me.

After my son's birth DH and I finally returned to full activity at Church. It took almost a year and a half but we were able to take out children two living and one deceased to the Temple and have them sealed to us. In celebration of our sealing our next child was conceived that night :)

I felt good, I felt calm during this pregnancy I knew that whatever happen I didn't have to wonder what would or might happen to my child, that they would belong to me forever. My new complication with this preg was low amniotic fluid. At 36 weeks it was discovered that I had no fluid left and I was sent to the hospital to deliver later that night. This daughter is a handful, she only two now but act, communicates more like she is five and I love her more than I can even imagine.

My husband at this point was hoping that maybe we were done having children but I still felt differently. A few months later I told him that we had another daughter waiting to join our family. He just said OK and when I told him I was preg but didn’t ant to tell anyone else yet he went along with it. I was never sure why I didn’t want to share my news but while watching last spring’s General Conference I discovered why. I started bleeding and cramping so with a houseful of people, my parents don’t have cable and our missionaries, this preg ended. I was only about eight weeks and never went to the Dr. I didn’t feel like I could handle seeing my empty uterus on screen.

A few months latter I still felt a drive for another child so we began trying again. Not something we had really done before it always just happened. So we tried and tried and nothing. It took almost a year before this child was conceived. I’m currently 20 weeks into what I feel is probably my last pregnancy. I feel secure in the lively hood of this child but I can’t shake the fear that I’m missing something and her health. (I just found out today it a daughter.) I have a mentally handicapped brother and I’ve worked with handicapped children all of my life so it doesn’t scare me to think that this child might be disabled be the unknown is still very scary. I feel sure that I not know anything until after delivery but I just don’t want to spend this child’s like waiting for the other shoe to fall if I’m wrong and missing out on her life in the meantime. And I’m scared to pray for the answer because this time I feel that the Lord will tell me everything and I don’t feel strong enough to handle bad news right now.

I really trying to decided weather or not to have my tubes tied not based on the condition of this child but it is so hard. Truly feel that my family is finished but I’m sure that the Lord would let me have a few more if I really wanted to also but I don’t think I want to.
Pills don’t seem to work for me and I’m comfortable with the thought of an IUD (not anything against anyone that has one, several of my member friends do, just my personal feeling for me) So if I don’t do something permanent I’m sure I will conceive again. And with eight preg in nine years I really think my body needs the rest too.

Anyway this is my story. I warned you it was going to be long.
Mary
mom to: twins m/c 10/95 Matthew stillborn 6/1/96 Shelby (6) Mary Carol lived 2 hours 4/28/98 William (4) Abigail (2) m/c 4/02 edd 2/17/04

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Replies:

[> Oh Mary......m -- Joanne, 08:56:55 10/04/03 Sat

Yes, it was long - but I am so glad that you did type it out. I just cannot find it in myself to put down in words everything that happened to me, but I will. It will likely be in pieces...

I am so sorry for all of your losses - for them all, I just cannot fathom or imagine. We, too, had many weird things said to us by well-meaning members of the church, incl a District President that said if they are stillborn, they don't count.

Our son, Sam, has Down syndrome - and he has been nothing but a sheer blessing in our lives. He is a child that was grown in our hearts and not my belly, but even by the words of his birth mother, I know that Sam was with us in the pre-existence and was meant for our family.

I am thrilled that you are here - and I am even more thrilled that you can share your pg with us as it develops. I am always happy when there is a baby to come, but even moreso when it is with a family who has already experienced a loss (or multiple losses). I guess in my heart, they really understand how precious life truly is.

I hope that you post often - it will be really nice to get to know you better.

J


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[> [> Mary, your story is amazingly heartbreaking, yet inspiring as well. -- lynece, 13:08:43 10/04/03 Sat

I'm so glad we get the chance to know you. Your strength is incredible and your faith and testimony are so strong. I am so sorry for all of your losses and thrilled for the newest spirit waiting to join your family. You've proabably already read my "story", but if not, just click on the archive 1 link and it is there. I cheat and just cut and paste it because it is too painful to type out again.

Thank you for sharing with us.
Love, Lynece


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[> [> [> OOPS! you think I'd know where to post by now. (blush icon goes here) -- lynece, 13:10:07 10/04/03 Sat


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[> Mary, I just wanted to welcome you to our board. I am so(m) -- Sheila, 15:54:45 10/07/03 Tue

sorry for all of your losses. You have been through so much!! My prayers are with you that all will go well with this new little one. I hope that you will feel like you can come here any time for support. Hugs~~Sheila


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