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Date Posted: 12:11:37 11/09/03 Sun
Author: Renata Nascimento
Subject: Re: Writing 6 - Paragraph Punch
In reply to: Tito Matias 's message, "Writing 6 - Paragraph Punch" on 07:42:37 11/09/03 Sun

Tito,

Even though you have mentioned at the end where you want to take your girlfriend to, don't you think it is worth saying it at the beginning too? I'm saying so because if one person, who knows nothing about this task, reads your paragraph, she/he will wonder where you are going until the end of the paragraph.

Another thing, if you don't mind I'd like editing some grammar mistakes on your paragraph. First, I would use a comma after "First of all, ...". Second, add 'it' before " would be great to travel abroad with her". Also, a comma after "As we have travelled together before". At last, I think it is necessary to add a 'she' before "is the one who I would really travel to Disney".

That's it, Tito! However, please, do not change anything if you think I'm not right.

Regards,
Renata Nascimento.

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Replies:

  • Re: Writing 6 - Paragraph Punch -- Vera, 13:51:01 11/09/03 Sun
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