Okay, a hard beta on parts 1-2. -- The Beta Board

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 20:49:46 01/20/04 Tue
Author: Shanola
Subject: Okay, a hard beta on parts 1-2.
In reply to: Madison 's message, "Newish Story 1-3 edited" on 21:06:22 01/19/04 Mon

My comments will be set aside like this: ####comment####.

I was recruited into Section One when I was fifteen years old: an innocent girl in a dark and dreary dungeon hell hole. ####You've got a work echo here with 'innocent' being used close together.#### And I was an innocent in the very real sense of that term; I was plucked out of a normal high-school life and forced to become a cold-op for no apparent reason. At least, it wasn�t very apparent when I first arrived. But let me start there.

I was sure I had fallen asleep in my own bed, but when I woke up everything was wrong. I woke up slowly, but from a horrible dream (the kind you usually wake with a start from).####I'm not sure you need the comment in the (). The sentence would stand fine without it.#### My sheets were red; the ones I woke up in were white, as were the walls and my pajamas. That�s when I knew I really was in trouble,####I think you may need a ; there instead of a comma#### I always slept in ridiculous bright pink men�s boxer shorts and a faded gray sweatshirt from my mother�s high school days, and they were gone. And I was groggy, kind of like when I was given medication for a broken arm when I was ten. I had been drugged and brought to a bleached room that wasn�t mine. I sat up on the gunnery ####I think you mean 'gurney' and not "gunnery" as a gunnery is a sort of gun.#### as a door creaked open and a middle-aged brunette in a severe black suit and lethally sharp heels walked in. ####Heh. "Leathally sharp heels". I like it. ####

�Good morning, Erika. I hope you slept well,� she said.

�Oh, yes. Just great. And you are?� I was surprised by the formalities, I admit I was expecting to be accused of a serious crime I did not commit and was ready to tell anyone who�d listen I didn�t do it.. ####Only one period here.####

�Madeline. I will be overseeing your training for the next two years.�

�What training?� I asked, dumbfounded that I needed any more training than I was forced to learn at school.

�Your training to become an operative for the most covert anti-terrorist organization in the world,� Madeline said.

�Oh, and I suppose that makes the kind of sense I�m not in on? How on earth am I going to train to become an operative for the most covert anti-terrorist organization in the world? I should be in school right now, at least, I think so.� I paused. I then realized I had no idea what time it was, or where I was. But I wasn�t about to be sidetracked: �And I have swim practice after that,� I protested.

�I see. Let me reassure you that swim practice will not conflict with your training. To the outside world, you committed suicide seven days ago by overdosing with a bottle of aspirin, half a bottle of ibuprofen and two and a half bottles of your father�s finest whiskey. Quite the lethal combination. This was your funeral.� Madeline handed me a short stack of black and white photographs: Mom crying, Dad pale, my sister comforting her brood of children, my best friend sobbing through my eulogy, my cousins in shock. I swallowed hard. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. �I believe it was plot 21, row 17,� Madeline said coldly.� ####Okay, this worked well in the first episode but I've got be honest, it's getting a little cliche. Can you find some way to not use this? I think it works just as well if you don't use it. The point is made.####

�You did this to them?� I asked, struggling to control the rage and grief that threatened to overwhelm me.####Even Nikita cried when she woke up. Can't Erika?####

�You will never be able to contact them again. If we find that you do attempt to establish contact, both you and the person you contact will be canceled. Your trainer will arrive shortly to begin your orientation. ####??Her trainer? I thought Madeline was overseeing her training?#### Welcome to Section One, Erika.� Madeline left the room with the echo of the click of her heels behind her and took every dream I had ever had with her.####I found this last sentence to be a bit long. Can you shorten it? I got a bit bogged down with "the echo of the click of her heels behind her".####

That was my introduction into the harsh life that is Section One. Seriously, why did Madeline expect a fifteen-year-old girl to understand that she had a miserable destiny? Not that it was explained all that well. I was just expected to pick myself off the floor after that beating and take another. But I wasn�t about to take another without a fight.
part 2
When the door to my holding sell ####I think yo mean 'cell'####creaked open again, I cringed to think of another encounter with Madeline. But it wasn�t Madeline. In came what my friends would have called �a total babe;� he was tall with brown hair and dark eyes and a seriously black suit. I think my jaw hit the floor when I saw him for the first time. �Who are you?� I asked, wiping my eyes, tying to hide any evidence that I had spent the entire time since Madeline had left crying over the photos of my funeral. I have a hunch I failed miserably. ####Oh, thank you for this! Emotion! Cool. =P####

�James. I will be your trainer,� he said.

�Erika Cornel. Nice to meet you too,� I said, trying to not sound like an impetuous brat. I failed miserably at that too.

�Follow me. You need to smarten yourself up before the official orientation begins,� James said.

�After you,� I said. I scooped up the photographs I had been brooding over and followed him into a well lit but darkly colored hallway and down more corridors that I cared to count. Finally, James stopped in front of a door with a keypad. He punched in a series of numbers and the door slid open, revealing a small room with a single bed, a desk, a large metal wardrobe and an adjoining bathroom. �So I guess this is home?� I asked; peering into the Spartan room. ####You don't need the semi-colon in that sentence. A comma would do nicely.####

�You will be quartered here for the duration of your training. There is appropriate clothing in the wardrobe, the shower is straight through there.� He pointed at the ajar door to the right of the entrance. ####I was thrown by 'ajar door'. It doesn't flow very well. You may want to think about leaving out the word 'ajar'.#### �I will fetch you in twenty five minutes. I suggest you wear something comfortable for the shooting range and suitable for Madeline�s office,� James said simply. And with that, he was gone behind the sliding door.

I took little time exploring my new surroundings, I imagined there would be plenty of time to do that later. I carefully hid the photographs of my funeral in the bottom drawer of the desk inside a plain black box. Put it away, Erika, I thought, just put it away.

I showered and washed the salt from my tears off my face and body. ####Do you think 'salf of my tears' works better than 'salf from my tears'? Your call.#### I brushed seven days of sleep off my teeth and combed it out of my hair. ####I like that sentence. Very nice, short and descriptive.#### I looked in the wardrobe and chose a pair of long black wool trousers that were slightly flared and cuffed, a soft white tee shirt and gray cardigan and some flat black shoes. I was amazed that the pants were long enough. I had trouble finding pants that looked good on my boyish hips and overly long legs; at least I did in the malls that I shopped in my real life. These fit like they were tailor made, as did the rest of the clothing, right down to the serviceable white underwear. The wardrobe kind of freaked me out. How did they know my sizes? Why did they bother to have custom pants made? Why was everything black, white or various shades of gray? I cringed to think of who, and how, my measurements had been taken.

My clothes were a dire representation of my new life. Lots of black, white and millions of shades of gray.####This last line is repetitive. You've already said everything was in black, white, or various shades of gray in the previous paragraph. There's no need to say it again.####

I was sitting on my hard mattress when James came back. � Are you ready to go?� he asked, very businesslike.

�I guess. Am I supposed to be angry, because I feel like I�m missing something,� I said. ####I don't understand this. I've already gotten the impression Erika was angry in the first part, when she first woke up. Why would she feel like she's supposed to be angry? Did James give her that impression and I missed it?####

�Shock comes first. Wait a few hours until the sedatives wear off completely, then the anger will come,� James said softly, not looking at me.

�Is that what you�re supposed to say, or are you speaking from experience?�

�Does it matter?�

�Yes. It matters to me, at least,� I said.

�You�re going to be late. You have a meeting with Madeline in two hours and you must see Walter and Birkoff before that,� James told me.

I was suddenly furious with James and my situation and his obtuseness. I sprang up from the bed and threw a heavy right hook in James�s direction. He grabbed my fist right before it connected with his face. Before I knew it, his fist had contacted with my stomach and I was on my back on the floor. �Ouch, would you let go?!� I exclaimed. ####Okay, I would find this paragraph much better if there had been no discussion of anger a few paragraphs earlier. I would suggest losing the previous discussion and leave this in. That way, it'll have more impact.####

�I recommend you not release your anger physically. Attacking a superior is a grave offense in Section, if it was not your first day, I would be forced to take disciplinary action. ####This can be two sentences after the word Section.#### And always go for the kidneys first when attacking an opponent.� ####Again, this last sentence is a little cliche. We know that Michael says to go for the kidney's first, but do we know that's standard operating procedure for Section trainers?####

�OK, just get offa me!� I bucked and struggled under his tight hold. James let me up and I straightened my cardigan and brushed the imaginary dirt off my pants. �I feel better now,� I said tritely.

James silently straightened his immaculate black suit and walked out of the room. I followed, and the door wooshed closed behind me. I followed James down many hallways, and then we walked into an open space with high ceilings, a computer command center in the middle, a glassed-in office to one side high up, and an open niche filled with dangerous looking weapons. James pushed me towards the niche.

�Erika, this is Walter,� James said, introducing me to the skinny ex-hippie at the workstation. ####*blinka* I've never thought of Walter as skinny, really.#### �Walter, Erika is my new material. It�s her first day.�

Walter was deep in conversation with a tall blonde, who was laughing and flirting back. ####Wait, flirting back? or flirting with him?#### �We�ll finish this later , Sugar,� Walter laughed.

�Yep, I�ll see you after the mission, Walter,� Sugar called back as she left.

Walter waved, and then turned to James and I. ####This should be "James and me"#### �It usually is their first day when they meet me, James. It�s nice to meet you Erika,� he said. �You�ll be wanting her in a hour, James?�

�Yes. Could you send her to Birkoff then?� James asked.

�Sure. No problem James. As long as you pick her up at Comm after,� Walter said. �We wouldn�t want you to get lost your first day, Honey.� Sugar? Honey? I thought, did Walter call all the girls he knew by the sweeteners most commonly used in tea? ####I don't think you need to say, I thought to lead off this sentence. We are in Erika's POV, so it must be her thought. And, um, *snark*. I like the comparision.####

�Nope. I don�t think I�d like that much,� I said. �See you later James.�

�I�ll meet you in two hours at Comm,� James said to me. �And behave yourself,� he scolded.

�Don�t tell me what to do,� I said angrily. What he said sent me flying beck to the lectures I got daily before school from my parents. But before I responded James was gone. I turned to Walter, trying to push the thought of my parents out of my mind. �So, what do I learn from you?� I asked.

�How to shoot stuff,� Walter said; he let me peel myself off the floor before continuing. �Of course, I pride myself on giving out bits of wisdom, but I�ll let you be the judge of that Honey.� ####This should be "...judge of that comma Honey.""#### Walter�s voice was gravely but kind and sympathetic. ####Wait. 'gravely'? or do you mean 'gravelly'? 'gravely' means solemn, without a smile but 'gravelly' means like gravel.#### �You look awfully young to be in this hell hole. What�d you do to get in?�

�I don�t know,� I said honestly. I sat down on a high bar stool opposite Walter and casually spun side to side. �I was in high school last week and now I�m here.� Walter looked startled, his eyes got round with shock and he briefly stopped breathing.####Um, if he stopped breathing, that's pretty serious. Do you mean he caught or held his breath?#### �I take it that�s not what you expected to hear,� I said, suddenly panicking.

�No, not at all. That�s highly unusual, in fact. Unheard of. Damn, Honey. You must have done something. Hacked into some computer files you shouldn�t have or�� Walter hesitated, then said: �Ever kill someone in cold blood?�

�No, I never�.####No need for a period here#### Walter,� I lowered my voice, �are you telling me that I�m the only person who�s not been convicted of a felony in Section?�

�Pretty much. There are a few acceptions, ####I think you mean exceptions#### but not a recruitment straight out of high school. How old are you?�

�Fifteen,� I said hesitantly. Walter dropped the screwdriver he was working with.

�You�re joking,� Walter said. �I would have said at least seventeen, which isn�t half as bad but� fifteen! Why, you�re still a kid!�

�Thanks. A kid who�s six feet tall and expected to act her height, if that�s what you mean,� I said bitterly. �I mean, one night I fall asleep in my bed at home and when I wake up ####comma here#### I�m dead. Not really but to my family and friends and my life and I just don�t know what to do Walter!� I felt tears well up in my eyes and I moved to wipe them away with the heel of my hand. �Why does Madeline expect me to pick up and go on when I feel like I�m breaking apart inside and I�ll never be strong enough to do this and I�ll never see my family again and I�ll never be�� I couldn�t say it. I looked up at Walter with tear-stained eyes.

�Every new recruit goes through this. Well, at least a few of them do. Just means you�re one of the five percenters. You�ll do fine. You have to take what was and what could have been and put it away and not let Madeline and this place take it from you. After all, you did choose to live,� Walter said.

�I didn�t know there was an option.�

�Now that�s the right attitude, Honey.� ####Seperate paragraph here#### I smiled. My mother, much to my dismay, had called me �honey� on occasion. I could get used to it with Walter.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]