Whoops, forgot to mention...(r) -- The Beta Board

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4] ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 22:23:51 07/31/01 Tue
Author: Esme
Subject: Whoops, forgot to mention...(r)
In reply to: Esme 's message, "Okay..." on 22:21:07 07/31/01 Tue

The first part, Chances, is archived at Ranma's site and I don't have a working title for this story.

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> [> Hmmm....(r) -- Surgeon Shanola, reporting in!*g*, 21:38:09 08/03/01 Fri

Okay, I'll admit, the AU aspect threw me for a minute. I got over it quick, though.*g*

I'll set aside my comments in bold so they'll be easy to see.

Don't worry. This won't hurt. Much. LOL

Michael smiled as he tucked Adam in his bed. They went through the nightly ritual of bath, teeth,prayers, and bed. Michael told his son a story and smiled when he saw him sleeping. He kissed him,turned out the light, and closed the door slightly, with a murmured �I love you.�

I agree with Schnee on this paragraph. It's very stiff. You could easily combine some of the sentences for better flow.

He sighed as he sat on the couch at a lose###loss#### of what to do next. He looked around his newly furnished apartment and closed his eyes is###in happiness. He would start his first year of college in three weeks
and he was going to UCLA. He had moved from his mother�s house to an apartment, a fifteen minute drive away, two weeks ago. His thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. He moved to the end of the couch and reached for it before it woke Adam.

Hmm....this paragraph seems disjointed. I'm going to rearrange a few sentences here. I'm not changing the writing, just the sentence arrangement.

He sighed as he sat on the couch at a loss of what to do next. He looked around his newly furnished apartment and closed his eyes in happiness. He had moved from his mother�s house to an apartment, a fifteen minute drive away, two weeks ago. He would start his first year of college in three weeks and he was going to UCLA. His thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. He moved to the end of the couch and reached for it before it woke Adam.

You could still combine sentences for better flow. I'm not sure why the UCLA sentence is important.*shrug* Some description of the ringing phone might be nice, too. Is it shrill? Up to you.*g*

�Hello,� he answered sitting leaning back on the couch.Is he sitting or leaning back on the couch? Should be one or the other, not both.

�Michael?� He heard his girlfriend�s voice on the other end.
Is his girlfriend's voice deep? Throaty? Loud? Soft? Details add nice touches.*g*

�Kita? Where are you?� He ###he### asked curiously. She had been on vacation for the summer and he smiled happily at hearing her voice.

�I�m at home. I just got back from the airport. I decided I missed everyone and wanted to come home early. So here I am.� She explained.
"So here I am," she explained."

�I wish you would have told me. I wanted to be there when you came back. How is your mother?� He ####heasked lying on the couch.

�She�s okay. She says hello. I�m sorry baby, I wish you could have been there. I miss you.� She said softly. "...I miss you," she said softly."

Okay, I'm just going to make a statement, then point the rest of these out using SF at the end of the sentences it applies to.

When you write a conversation and you add 'he said' or 'she said', you do not end the spoken sentence with a period. Instead, you use a comma, then add the 'he said' or 'she said' starting with a lowercase letter. This joins the sentences and keeps the second half from being a sentence fragment. I've pointed this out several times in your fic already. If you have further questions on this grammar point, let me know and I'll try to explain it better.*g*

�I miss you, too. So what did you do in Australia?� He asked closing his eyes as he listened to her voice.SF He smiled when she got excited about some of the things she saw.
Michael didn't talk to his girlfriend all summer? I find that odd.

�I�m happy you had fun. You sound tired.� He stated softly.SF

�I am. I think I hear the bed calling my name.� She remarked chuckling.SF

�Okay, well, I�ll let you go to bed. I�ll see you later.� He said sitting up.SF

�Okay, I love you, Michael.� She said softly.SF

�I love you, too, Kita. Sweet dreams.� He said as he hung up the phone. SF

He went to the kitchen, drank some milk and went to perform his nightly ablutions before going to bed. As he lay in bed, he thought of Nikita and how he couldn�t wait to see her. She had been in Australia for a month and he had missed her like crazy. He yawned and said his nightly prayers before sleep claimed him.

This paragraph is rather stiff. Again, I agree with Schnee on the rigidity of this fic. Hmm...Also, you state at the beginning of the story that Nikita was away for the whole summer, but in this paragraph, she's only been gone a month. This needs to be clairified, I think.*g*

More later.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]