A couple things I noticed....(r) -- The Beta Board

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Date Posted: 17:55:25 08/01/01 Wed
Author: Schnee
Subject: A couple things I noticed....(r)
In reply to: Esme 's message, "AU Untitled 2" on 22:26:23 07/31/01 Tue

The first is something that my high school English teacher critiqued about my writing. The problem was I wrote most of my sentences as subject-verb-predicate, subject-verb-predicate...etc. It tends to make for plain writing. Try mixing it up a bit, using different sentence structures. Also, substitute Michael for 'He' every few times so it is not so repeititive AND so we know you are referring to Michael and not Adam.

I'll use your first paragraph as an example: (this is just a quick rewrite to show you another way to describe that scene)

After completing their nightly ritual of bath, teeth and prayers, Michael helped Adam to slide under the spiderman covers of his bed. With a smile pursed on his lips, Michael carefully tucked the crisp sheets around the boy, thankful for the gift of such a thoughtful and inquisitive son. Before Michael could leave his side, Adam pleaded for a bedtime story. Michael couldn't say no. Picking out one of Adam's books from the bookshelf, Michael sat on the bed next to Adam. Setting one arm around Adam, Michael used his free hand to hold the child's book, while he began to read the same story he had read on many a night before.

Okay...that may not be the best writing example, but I'm trying to show that you can incorporate more description in your sentences, by adding clauses, adjectives, adverbs, etc. A good way to do this is by walking Michael through the scene step by step. By doing this you can really key into the setting of the story as well as clueing your reader in about the details of your AU world. (Which is the second thing I noticed...Not much detail about where these characters are.)

A good article on how to put enough description in your settings can be found here.

And through Michael's actions you can indicate to your reader what his attitude is toward his son.

I think that will get you started. I know Shanola will do a far better job than I...she's the resident surgeon. *g*

Good Luck. :) I hope you post more as you make progress with it. Good writing comes with practice, and from viewing the styles of other writers. Read, read, read. :) The more styles you read, the more tricks you'll learn. And then you will have the tools to create a style of your own.

Schnee

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[> [> [> LOL....I didn't follow my own advise....(r) -- Schnee, 18:00:57 08/01/01 Wed

I used all 'Michael' in that paragraph. I'd normally use he in a couple places, lol. :)

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[> [> [> [> Thanks and waiting for more...(r) -- Esme, 21:39:08 08/01/01 Wed

Thanks for the tips. It helps a lot. It makes a lot of sense, I'll be doing some rewriting. =) I knew what you meant though even if you didn't follow your own advice. =D I haven't taken English in a while so if you all can be patient with me I promise that everything will get better as I practice. =)

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