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Date Posted: 18:47:19 08/04/01 Sat
Author: Shanola
Subject: More in reply (second attempt!LOL)
In reply to: Esme 's message, "AU Untitled 2" on 22:26:23 07/31/01 Tue

Sorry I couldn't do this all at once, but here's the rest. I'll put a few final comments at the end.*g*

Again, I'll set things off in bold. SF is a marker for Sentence Fragments.

Michael held Adam�s hand as he knocked on Nikita�s door. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He shook his head and smiled at himself. Only Nikita could make him feel this way. He looked up as the door opened.

Building a little on what Schnee was talking about (and hey! No pressure AT ALL Schnee, eh?LOL), I'm going to insert a few lines into the above paragraph to show you how the flow could be improved a bit. Added words will be set off in italics.

Michael held Adam�s hand as he knocked on Nikita�s doorthen took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He shook his head and smiled at himself; only Nikita could make him feel this way. Shaking his head ruefully,He looked up as the door opened.

�Hi, Mr. Wolfe.� Michael said shaking his hand.SF

�Hello, Michael. Nikita�s in the living room. Hello Adam.� Paul said kneeling in front of him, gesturing for Michael to say hello to his daughter.SF

Michael nodded his thanks and went to see his girlfriend.This seems odd, here. You've already established that his girlfriends name is Nikita. I thing it would sound more personal if he used it here. He stopped short at the sight of her. She was tanned, her hair was long, and her eyes were bright as she looked at him.

Was her hair short when he last saw her? I mean, summer holiday's usually only last three months at the most. Unless her hair grows really fast, it wouldn't change much, I think. Unless it was really short, but then I doubt it would be long in that time frame. Instead, you may want to comment on the color. Hair can lighten dramatically in the sun in a few short months. Just a thought.*g*

�Hi.� She said with a shy smile.SF

�Hello.� He said going to her.SF

He enveloped her in his arms without another word, burying his face in her hair. He breathed deeply as her arms wrapped around him. He pulled back to look in her eyes before his mouth lowered to hers.

Nikita sighed as his lips pressed against her softly. She held him closer as she deepened the kiss her tongue caressing his mouth.####"...held him closer as she deepened the kiss,###Comma### her tongue carressing his mouth.#### He moaned in the back of his throat and she smiled breaking the kiss. He moaned in the back of his throat and she smiled,###Comma### breaking the kiss.

�What are you doing here?� She asked leaning into his neck as her father came in.SF

�I couldn�t wait to see you, so I decided to drop in. Disappointed?� He asked tightening his arms around her.SF

�Never.� She whispered kissing him quickly on the lips as she went over to Adam.SF

Nikita smiled as the little boy ran into her arms. She hugged him and looked at Michael, smiling. Adam was talking excitedly about how much he missed her and what did she do in Australia. What did she do or what she did in Australia?

�I�ll show you pictures, okay.� Nikita said, kissing Adam�s nose.SF

�Kay, Kita.� Adam said hugging her once more before letting go.SF

Nikita walked past Michael and grasped his hand on the way to her room. Michael smiled at Paul before he got up to follow her. He smiled as he saw her bent over her suitcase.Lots of smiling going on in these two sentence. You may want to restructure these so the word 'smiled' isn't usued so closely together. He stood close to her, grasping her hips and pulling her back against him. His smile widened as he heard her giggle when she felt him through her shorts. Brave thing for Michael to do when Nikita's dad is downstairs. Very, very brave, considering he has a child already.

�My father and your son are downstairs, Michael. We don�t have time to play.� She remarked, laughter in her voice.SF

�I know. I just wanted to touch you without anyone looking. So, any cute guys in Australia?� He asked sitting on her bed watching her rummage through her suitcase.SF

�Oh yeah, lots of them.� She remarked.SF

�They heard all about you ,###Comma### though. My mom thought I was crazy not to take advantage.Advantage of what? But when I talked about you she saw how deeply, madly, and desperately in love with you I am.� She said sitting on his lapWhen did she get in his lap?, waving the pictures under his nose.SF

�Mhmm.� Michael murmured as he kissed her neck.SF His tongue leaving a wet trail along her pulsing vein.SF.

�Maybe I should go away more often.� She said breathlessly, followed by a low moan as Michael lightly bit her skin.SF

�Don�t you dare. I�d go crazy.� He whisperedComma his breath hot against her neck.SF

They looked up at a throat clearing.So...is a throat clearing anything like a forest clearing? Does it exist on the ceiling or above the door? Got to be someplace high, 'cause they looked up. Actually, what I THINK you mean to say is something along the lines of "They looked up at the sound of a throat clearing. 'Cause a throat clearing is more of a sound than a place, right? Nikita blushed as she saw his father ####his father or her father?? looking at them with a raised eyebrow. He held Adam in his arms and looked pointedly at the pictures in Nikita�s hand.

�Sorry.� Michael said as Nikita got off his lap and they all walked downstairs to look at Nikita�s pictures.SF

Okay, a few general comments on this.*g*

I admit, I haven't read the prequel to this story, so I'm not quite certain where Michael got Adam. Still, Michael is eighteen (or around there, right?) and he has a son. A son who can talk. Seems to me Michael got started awfully early on having kids. And if I were Nikita's father, I'm not sure I'd let my daughter near him. After all, he got one girl pregnant, right?

And I have a hard time believing an eighteen year old boy would move out of his Mom's house to care for his child while he went to college. Hard life, that. And most guy's at eighteen aren't ready/willing to raise a child by themselves. I say most, because I don't like to make general assumptions. It's very possible that some eighteen year old men take the full responsibility for their children, and Michael could be one of them. It's just that it's a hard, hard road to travel.

But...those are problems I could overlook if the story is well written. You've got an interesting concept here and I'd like to see you explore it more. How will Michael deal with Adam when he has to study for an exam and Adam wants Coco Puffs and he wants them NOW! ? That should be interesting to watch.

As for improving your writing, you've taken the first step by posting here. Schnee has pointed out several good starting places for you. I would also point out the need to watch your grammar a bit more closely. There are places that need commas and places that don't need periods. These are things you can fix, or a beta reader can catch for you.

I'm looking forward to seeing your rewrite on this. I think that Schnee's advice about sentence structure will make a nice impact on readability and flow.

Keep writing and posting! Sounds like you've got a nice foundation on which to play.*g*

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