AU Untitled 1 -- The Beta Board

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4] ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 15:40:44 08/22/01 Wed
Author: Esme
Subject: AU Untitled 1

Okay here is the revised first part. RL is back with a vengence. Thank you for taking the time out to help a girl out. =)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> Re: AU Untitled 1 -- Esme, 15:42:07 08/22/01 Wed

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> Re: AU Untitled 1 -- Esme, 15:43:48 08/22/01 Wed

Okay I revised the first part. and I hope it�s better, I was in a hurry so if my grammar is bad I apologize. RL is a real pain.
**************************
�Daddy, I want you to read me the Spider-Man story.� Adam begged.

Michael looked at his son�s deep brown eyes and knew there was nothing he could deny him. He took a deep breath and walked to the book shelf hunting down the exact book he read to Adam every night. He grabbed the book, moved to lounge next to his son and said a quick thank you to God for blessing him with such a great boy. Kissing Adam�s head he began the exciting tale of his son�s favorite superhero.

Near the end of the book a slow sigh, from the cuddled figure next to him, caused him to look down. He shut the book and put it on the table beside the bed before getting up. A few moments later he exited the room with a soft �I love you.�

He sighed as he moved to the living room and sat on the couch at a loss for what to do. He glanced around his new apartment and closed his eyes relishing the solitude and silence around him. His mind drifted through past images and his eyebrows furrowed in memories. His dad dying when he was seven, his mother meeting Charles, and his sister, Monique being born. He smiled softly as Elena�s face passed through his mind�s eye. She had been his rock when he thought his world was falling apart.

He had been thirteen when Charles started showing his true colors and began hitting him and his mother. When he was fourteen he had met Elena and she was the calm from the storm. She was there for him when he thought he couldn�t take it anymore. Little by little he started spending less time at home and more time with Elena. Things went well as long as he didn�t stay home. When he did, he would argue with Charles and his mother would sit quietly in the corner, bruises marring her beautiful features.

He remembered one argument, at fifteen he had started getting bigger and stronger, he hit Charles stunning him. Madeleine pushed him out of the house taking a beating for him. He went to see Elena and cried in her arms in frustration. One thing led to another and they made love. A couple of months later they found out she was pregnant.

The shrill ringing of the phone brought him out of his reverie. Muttering a curse he leaned over the arm of the couch rushing to pick it up before it woke Adam.

�Hello,� he answered.

�Michael?� he heard a soft-accented voice on the phone beckoning his attention.

�Kita? Where are you?� he asked curiously.

�I�m at home. I just got back from the airport. I decided I missed everyone and wanted to come home early. So here I am,� she explained.

�I wish you would have told me. I wanted to be there when you came back. How is your mother?� he asked lying on the couch.

�She�s okay. She says hello. I�m sorry baby, I wish you could have been there. I miss you,� she said softly.

�I miss you, too. So what did you do since I last spoke to you?� he asked closing his eyes as he listened to her voice.

�I�m happy you had fun. You sound tired,� he stated softly.

�I am. I think I hear the bed calling my name,� she remarked chuckling.

�Okay, well, I�ll let you go to bed. I�ll see you later,� he said sitting up.

�Okay, I love you, Michael.� She said softly.

�I love you, too, Kita. Sweet dreams.� He said as he hung up the phone.

He yawned as he stood up. Nikita was back home. He had missed her so much. He walked to his room after making a quick stop to check on Adam. A few minutes later he lay in bed and with the image of Nikita in his mind nd heart, Michael feel into a deep sleep.

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> Well, this is better.*g* More inside. -- Shanola, 22:12:42 08/22/01 Wed

This rewrite is a lot more fluid than the oringinal. Good job!

But, there are still some rough places. Many of them have to do with grammar. Have you read Nestra's latest posting at Briefing in Five? It's called "Commas, Possessives, and Plurals, Oh,My!". The link is in her post a little further down the board. Good advice in there.*g*

Comments will be set aside in bold. Ready?LOL Let's go! =D

�Daddy, I want you to read me the Spider-Man story.� Adam begged. Just a thought, here; you may want to make the story a little more generic. Something like, "read me the story with the two cats" instead. This will eliminate any confusion for people who don't know who Spider-Man is (although, I, personally, adore Spidey. Peter Parker rocks! Aunt May should have stayed dead, the whole clone thing was a disaster and where is Mary Jane? Peter is sooo sad! ...Um...Oops? Got a little carried away there....*g* Okay, on with the beta!LOL

Michael looked at his son�s deep brown eyes and knew there was nothing he could deny him.###But what if Adam wants to play with a hair-pin and the light socket? Will Michael deny him that? Just curious.#### He took a deep breath and walked to the book shelf ####Comma#### hunting down the exact book he read to Adam every night. He grabbed the book, moved to lounge next to his son and said a quick thank you to God for blessing him with such a great boy. Kissing Adam�s head####Comma he began the exciting tale of his son�s favorite superhero.

Near the end of the book Comma a slow sigh,No comma from the cuddled figure next to him, No comma caused him to look down. He shut the book and put it on the table beside the bed before getting up. A few moments later he exited the room with a soft �I love you.�

He sighed as he moved to the living room and sat on the couch Comma at a loss for what to do. He glanced around his new apartment and closed his eyes relishing the solitude and silence around him. His mind drifted through past images and his eyebrows furrowed in memories. This may flow better if it reads ...furrowed WITH memory. Your call, though. His dad dying when he was seven, his mother meeting Charles, and his sister, Monique being born. He smiled softly as Elena�s face passed through his mind�s eye. She had been his rock when he thought his world was falling apart.

He had been thirteen when Charles started showing his true colors and began hitting him and his mother.Monique managed to escape the beatings? When he was fourteen he had met Elena Comma and she was the calm from the storm. This may read better as...he had met Elena, and SHE BECAME the calm from the storm. I will question this phrase a bit more. I've always understood the phrase to be the calm IN the storm, meaning this person/place remains calm and unruffled while the world rages around them. Very different from what you are trying to portray, I think. Perhaps Elena was the REFUGE from the storm, instead? She was there for him when he thought he couldn�t take it anymore.Take what anymore? The beatings? Or is there more? Don't be afraid to be specific. Little by littleComma he started spending less time at home and more time with Elena. Things went well as long as he didn�t stay home. When he did, he would argue with Charles and his mother would sit quietly in the corner, bruises marring her beautiful features. Okay, another note here; although I have been fortunate enough to live in a very loving home, with no abusive stuff around, it is my understanding that people who do generally live in these conditions generally try to remain quiet and out of the path of anger. It seems to me that Michael would more likely strive NOT to argue with Charles because he knows his mother will take a beating for it. Just a thought.

He remembered one argument, at fifteen he had started getting bigger and stronger, he hit Charles stunning him.Okay, let us look closely at this sentence. He remembered one arguement Okay, I'm with you. at fifteen he had started getting bigger and stronger, Um, what? Is this what the arguement is about? This part seems out of place here. he hit Charles COMMA stunning him Okay, I see that. But the middle part is just thrown in there. Perhaps you should break this out into two sentences, fleshing it out for the reader. Madeleine pushed him out of the houseComma taking a beating for him. He went to see Elena and cried in her arms in frustration. One thing led to anotherComma and they made love. A couple of months later they found out she was pregnant. Okay, another general thought here. Michael and Elena made love once so Michael is certain this is when Adam was concieved? It seems to me that if Elena was Michael's refuge from the storm, then they would have been intimate more than once. Just a thought.

The shrill ringing of the phone brought him out of his reverie. Muttering a curse he leaned over the arm of the couch rushing to pick it up before it woke Adam. Okay, I am having real trouble with this last sentence. Michael leans over the couch so he can pick it up before it wakes Adam. The way it's written, it sounds as if Michael has to pick up the couch before the couch wakes Adam up. While he is laying on the couch, no less! I've tried adding comma's but they don't help. This sentence needs a complete restructing. Perhaps something like, "Muttering a curse, Michael leaned over the couch and reached for the phone, desperate to pick it up before it woke Adam." Or maybe, "Michael leaned over the couch, muttering as he reached for phone." Or "Muttering a curse, Michael leaned over the arm of couch, rushing to silence the shrill ringing before it woke Adam." See?

�Hello,� he answered.####Note this area.####

�Michael?� he heard a soft-accented voice on the phone beckoning his attention. Do you mean a soft, accented voice?

�Kita? Where are you?� he asked curiously.

�I�m at home. I just got back from the airport. I decided I missed everyone and wanted to come home early. So here I am,� she explained. Who is she?

�I wish you would have told me. I wanted to be there when you came back. How is your mother?� he asked Comma lying on the couch.

�She�s okay. She says hello. I�m sorry baby, I wish you could have been there. I miss you,� she said softly.

�I miss you, too. So what did you do since I last spoke to you?� he asked closing his eyes as he listened to her voice.What's her voice sound like? Deep? High-pitched? Raspy? Smooth? Detail adds flavor.

�I�m happy you had fun. You sound tired,� he stated softly.What? She had fun?? When did she say that? Did I miss something?? This conversation just took a huge leap forward with no warning.

�I am. I think I hear the bed calling my name,� she remarkedComma chuckling.

�Okay, well, I�ll let you go to bed. I�ll see you later,� he said sitting up.

�Okay, I love you, Michael.� She said softly. "Okay PERIOD I love you, MichaelCOMMA" she said softly.

�I love you, too, Kita. Sweet dreams Comma, no period, lowercase 'h' in he� He said as he hung up the phone.

He yawned as he stood up. Nikita was back home. He had missed her so much. He walked to his room after making a quick stop to check on Adam. A few minutes later he lay in bed and with the image of Nikita in his mind nd this should be and (you left off the 'a') heart, Michael feel into a deep sleep. ####End Note here####

I want to point out that the conversation I've noted seemed a little stiff. You fell back into your previous pattern.*g* Not a big deal, just stiff. You don't have to write dialogue in such a formal manner. Sometimes, you don't even have to put 'he said' or 'she said' in there at all. Or mix it up by putting some action in before the character answers.

Example:

"Nikita! Where are you?" Michael sat up on the couch, surprised to hear her voice.

Gentle laughter echoed across the phone line. "Surprised to hear from me so soon?"

He could hear the teasing in her voice and grinned. "Maybe a little surprised, but really, really pleased, too. What time is it there?"

"Eight o'clock."

Michael frowned and looked at his watch. Eight o'clock! "Where are you, Nikita?" he asked.

"Why Michael, I thought for sure you could figure it out. It's eight o'clock where I am...and it's eight o'clock where you are! Should I give you three guesses?"

"When did you get home? Today? I wanted to meet you at the airport!"

Nikita laughed, but he could hear the tiredness in her voice.

End Example

See the differences in the way they reply? Mix it up a little for some added flavor. The way a character speaks is an important clue as to who they are. It gives the reader insight into the way a character thinks. Madeline, for example, uses a precise vocabulary. Thus it is logical to assume she thinks in precise terms as well.*shrug* We could tell who Madeline is just by her word choices. Same for Walter. And Michael. And Birkoff and just about everyone else.*g*

Okay, and this is one of the hardest things about writing: Resist the urge to rush your story just so you can finish/post! This is so hard, sometimes. You know what's going on in your story, and you want to see what people think about your it, and you are *almost...there*, so you just *push* a little and then it's over! Hurrah! But...Ouch. The problem is, the story has been rushed. It's premature and not fully developed. Take a deep breath, step back for a second, and then let the story unfold. At it's own pace. This is hard. Really, really hard. But it is vitally important.

Now, toward the end of this piece (where I've ####Noted#### it), you've rushed it. Hence the fall-off with the dialogue. Easily fixed, though!*g*

You should be really proud of what you've accomplished with this rewrite so far. You are finding the pace of the story, showing instead of telling, and adding delicious tidbits of detail. Build on this foundation!

I look forward to seeing the next rewrite. =D

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]

[> [> [> Thanks...(r) -- Esme, 12:54:22 08/23/01 Thu

First off let me say Shanola, I totally agree with you on Spidey. The clone thingy really blows and a diddo, hallelujah, amen to all the other stuff you said. =)

Now back to my reply...

Thank you for helping me out. I really appreciate the time you take to point out the mistakes and making suggestions to help my story flow better. I have to admit math was my strong subject and english was a big pain in the rear end but I have all these ideas in my head that are screaming to be set free.

I'll work on the rewrite to the other parts and attempt to fix the problems in this one.

Thanks again,
Esme

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]
[ Edit | View ]