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Date Posted: 03:09:23 11/03/01 Sat
Author: Selena
Subject: Birthday
In reply to: Selena 's message, "Fanfic" on 04:54:15 11/02/01 Fri

There was a bustle in Section One all week. Everything was wrong. As all people had been crazy. No one operative did something right or carried out a mission, as their thoughts were somewhere else.
The first time in her all life Madeline hadn�t got any idea what was going on in Section and how she could handle it. If operatives had made mistakes, and mission failed, Madeline took responsibility for herself. After that, she needed to write idiot�s reports for George, but she had to do it very carefully, not giving George the cause to cancel her.
She tried to transfer Michael to very important missions, thinking that he could handle them. She even increased Nikita�s status and appointed her to a team leader, but all were in vain. Neither Nikita nor Michael thought about the work.
Nikita and Michael, having gone to a very important mission to capture a terrorists� leader, had left their munitions! And Madeline could give a lot of other examples.
Walter forgot to load the weapons and change the batteries in com units and other technique. Could you imagine what happened when the technique had collapsed?
Birkoff, Birkoff concerned about his own business not about the work. Yesterday Madeline found some Internet addresses, which our young friend had visited. She was very surprised; cause these were addresses of the Internet�s department stores, but Birkoff visited only video games stores!
Operations wasn�t concern about this bustle. He had to be concern! It was his job! But he wasn�t. He was in his dreams; he even wasn�t concern about himself. It had happened with him before, but Madeline could get him out of this by a severe remark, but not now. He nice smiled at her now, but said nothing.
Strange, George hadn�t shot them for all this mess yet. For these several days Section One failed 26 operations, but George didn�t say any word. Even covering reports didn�t make him mad. Until he had called to Ops and given him an official reprimand or threatened him a cancellation.
That�s why Madeline had tried to take over Section One and ordered all operatives to report on situations to her.
Madeline was sitting in her office and writing the next report. She couldn�t find the cause of fail. She had already used all reserves, all possible justifications. The door opened, and Michael appeared, watching her a blank stare.
- Mission has failed� - he reported calmly.
- What? � Madeline shouted, before she had never shouted. � Do you understand how important that mission was?
- Yes, - Michael said and continued, - we hadn�t got ammunitions to load our guns, and batteries, Walter had to charge them�
- Walter! � Madeline said quite, - You can go�
Michael leaved. Madeline understood, that it couldn�t go this way anymore. �Enough!� She stood up and went to Ops, but first she decided to visit Walter.

Madeline quietly got to Walter�s Area. Nobody was there, and then she walked deeper in the room. First Madeline wanted to call somebody, but heard somebody�s voices. People whispered to each other. Madeline decided to listen to them.
- Are we ready?
- Yes. I have brought all in and packed it too.
- Excellent! We have only one day. If everything would fail�
- Don�t worry it wouldn�t fail. Or SOMEONE will kill us.
- Oh! He wouldn�t forgive us. Did you order all we need?
- Yes. It�ll be deliver soon.
- OK. I think our plan would be successful.
Madeline stepped forward; she wanted to find out who it was. She met Nikita, Michael, Birkoff and Walter, who were leaving Munitions. They gave her a strange look, like she had caught them, when they were carrying out a crime. But Madeline hadn�t got a time to find out something about it. She had work to do.
Nikita smiled nice at Madeline, Michael gave her his jewelry blank stare, and Birkoff ran away, being afraid of meeting her gaze.
�Poor Birkoff, they have taken him into risky affair�, - Madeline thought.
Walter looked at Madeline. Their eyes locked, their lips turned into sweetest smiles. Madeline noticed in his eyes something strange�she couldn�t understand what it was. �His eyes glare with pleasure?�, - she thought.
- Walter, - she said seriously, - I want to talk to you about ammunitions and batteries�
- Oh! It�s not my fault! We get battered munitions last time.
- Do you understand that people have died?
- Of course. I do my job well� - Madeline noticed, that there were no emotions on his face.
Madeline was surprised: Walter wasn�t concern about people�s lives. �OK! Get out of here�� she thought annoyed.
Madeline went to Ops. He stood in the Perch and looked out of the window.
- Paul Wolfe! � She said strictly.
He turned around.
- You see, what has happened with Section, and you do nothing. I sense that it is your fault, and you know what occur, but you don�t want to tell me. Why? � Madeline looked at Paul.
- I don�t understand what you�re talking about, - he simply looked at her, wearing a Cheshire grin.
Suddenly Madeline sensed that she want to kill him. Right here, right now. She was afraid that she could do it. That�s why she silently went away from the Perch, taking her irritation with herself.

In the evening she had to go to Paul. She always used to do it.
Madeline went in Main Foyer. There was no light, like she was in grave. Madeline was surprised, she tried to accustom to this atmosphere. Suddenly the light turned on.
- Surprise!!! � All operatives screamed. There were a lot of operatives, Nikita, Michael, Birkoff, Walter and, of course, Paul.
There were a lot of posters: �Happy Birthday, Madeline!� Madeline�s mouth was agape. She didn�t know what to say.
People smiled at her. There was snack and presents. Comm was full of presents.
Paul stood next to her, smiling. He took her hand, and Madeline followed him deeper in the room. Madeline was so happy; she thought that Paul had forgotten about her birthday.

The party was wonderful! All people were joy, they were dancing, there were a lot of games, for example, operatives had to fix the donkey�s tail. Accidentally Nikita fixed it to Paul. Operatives were laughing at all! Kristoff made a big tart especially for Madeline. Presents were excellent! Even George sent a gift. Madeline didn�t expect it.
When Madeline was dancing with Paul, he said that the main surprise ahead.
After birthday party Paul took her to the Tower. There was served supper for two: candles, champagne, calm music� all was for her.
Madeline followed him to the table. He filled champagne into the glasses. Took the glasses, he gave one to Madeline. They looked at each other.
- Happy Birthday, Madeline, - he said.
They had supper, were dancing again. Paul held her in his warm embrace, smiling, he pulled her closer. Madeline returned his smile. She felt so good.
Madeline has never done it, but now she moved her hand to his cheek, caressing his skin tenderly. She embraced him, Madeline watched as he lowered his head, kissing her, ever so gently, on her parted lips.
Then she took his hand, and he followed her to the bedroom. She wanted to thank him for this wonderful party, for this evening.
When they were inside, Paul closed the door�

Madeline lay next to Paul in his warm embrace, resting her head against his chest, relishing the feel of his arms around her and the sound of his calmly heartbeat. Was late, but Madeline didn�t want to get up. It felt so good to wake up in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body against her cheek. She felt save. She looked at him. His face was so mild, so kind, he was smiling. Perhaps, only she could see his soul, because only she was with him these moments.
- Thank you, - she said. Then she kissed him. - I love you, - Madeline leaned into Paul.
- I love you too, - he whispered.
Madeline raised her head, she expected to meet his gaze, but Paul was asleep. Then she smiled at him and closed her eyes.
Such small joys make our life really lucky.

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Replies:

[> [> Well,,, hi Selena! unfortunately I don't have time right now to do a real in-depth beta for you, but if you click here, I'll put some comments inside.... (r) -- ~delle, 19:50:26 11/05/01 Mon

I don't do grammatical betas. Nestra and Shanola are so good at that, I leave it to them. I tend to concentrate on characterizations and plot. Please remember, this is YOUR story, you don't have to agree with me; you don't have to do anything just because I said so.

For me, I have a problem with the entire premise of your story. Missions are failing, operatives are dying, I'm assuming various terrorists are succeeding at their attempts and it's OK because everyone's planning Madeline's birthday? That's not the "mistakes are not an option - most covert anti-terrorist unit on the planet" Section One that *I* saw on the TV.

Perhaps you're going for something more humourous, more light-hearted? I would respectfully suggest that you find another way to accomplish that besides having missions fail; I simply can't wrap my mind around the idea that both Operations and George would simply "look the other way" because Madeline's birthday is coming up.

Now, I said I wasn't going to do a grammatical beta, but I'm going to point out a couple of things that might help you with English. Dialog should be in "parenthesis" not -off set by dashes. For example:

Madeline quietly got to Walter�s Area. Nobody was there, and then she walked deeper in the room. First Madeline wanted to call somebody, but heard somebody�s voices. People whispered to each other. Madeline decided to listen to them.
- Are we ready?
- Yes. I have brought all in and packed it too.
- Excellent! We have only one day. If everything would fail�
- Don�t worry it wouldn�t fail. Or SOMEONE will kill us.
- Oh! He wouldn�t forgive us. Did you order all we need?
- Yes. It�ll be deliver soon.
- OK. I think our plan would be successful.

Each of the dialog lines should be set off with "".

"Are we ready?"
"Yes. I have brought (it) all in and packed it too."

It would be helpful if you gave some kind of indication the speaker. Perhaps:

"Are we ready?" Walter's voice was a harsh whisper.

"Yes." Michael's response was typically soft.

If Madeline is unable to determine the speakers, that could be indicated to:

Madeline heard a jumble of voices, the whispers tumbling over each other, distorting the speakers' identification.

"Are we..."

"Yes. I had..."

You've also changed tense here and there, from past to present. Here's an example:

Madeline has never done it, but now she moved her hand to his cheek, caressing his skin tenderly

You've jumped from present (has) to past (moved).

A lot of my difficulties with your story are simply due to your unfamiliarity with English. It's a very difficult language *grin*, many native speakers don't get it right! I'm afraid I don't have time to be a beta for you to correct the sentences; perhaps you could ask on the Storyboards for someone to help you clean up the problems translating the story from Russian to English.

Welcome to the storyboards! It takes a great deal of courage to put a story up for beta-ing and I commend you for doing it!

~delle

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