Considering the fact that I'm so used to thinking way too much about...well...just about everything...I've got to admit that it feels a bit weird to have a moment of true peace and silence right now and not have my mental gears spinning all out of control like they usually do. I mean, sure, there were those first few initial moments where I had to give myself a shocked look in my bedroom mirror and dwell on the fact that I had just exposed my deepest, darkest, secret to the woman who used to bathe me and change my diapers when I was little...but now? Now, I feel like my reflection looks back at me a little bit different than it did before. Or maybe...maybe I just never really took a really good look at it before now. At least not since I first found out that I was 'different'. Maybe this is easy for some people, but not for me. It took a lot of building and patience and soul searching for me to get myself to this point. But I made it.
Wow...I finally made it.
I sat down at the foot of my bed, staring off into space, wondering where the heck my life was going to take me from here. I mean, up until last night. I never could have imagined that my entire life was going to suddenly screech off the road and take this major detour from the path of least resistance that I had been planning on from the very beginning. Considering that I could ever have claimed to have any plan at all. Was I expecting to just be celibate for the rest of my life? To claim that Ryan and I were just 'roommates' until we were both old and gray? That I just never found the right girl to marry and have kids with? Maybe hide away in the middle of the woods, or build a log cabin at the top of a mountain somewhere, hoping that nobody ever came looking for me ever again? I don't know what my big and sneaky 'scheme' I was going to come up with to hide my true feelings away from the rest of the world until I was laying in a pine box somewhere, six feet deep...but I was definitely going to hold off on telling anybody about my sexual attractions for as long as I possibly could. That was for sure.
And now? Silence. Peaceful silence. Just time to let my brain rest, and my emotions recharge and readjust to this new sense of freedom. It's such a soothing sensation, you know? Not having to drag those heavy bags of bricks behind me everywhere I went. Is this what my life is going to feel like from now on? What the heck am I going to do with all the extra energy and peace of mind? Hehehe! I can't even imagine what it would be like to live like this all the time. I'm going to totally lose it by the time we go back to school on Monday.
I wanted to call Ryan right away and give him the good news, but I took another ten minutes...just for myself. Simply enjoying the gentle pulse of my own heartbeat as I attempted to come down from the ultimate high of knowing that who I truly was inside...was good enough to warrant love and appreciation. You know? It's a feeling that I doubt a lot of people can really understand the way I do. To fight and struggle to love yourself...and then have that effort validated by the people you care about the most. It's like..wow...total magic.
She knows. She really knows. Heh...who knew that making a confession of this magnitude would be so easy to pull off, once I got the courage to do so?
Ok, ok...I know that Ryan is probably driving himself crazy right now, trying to figure out if I told her or not, and wanting to know the outcome. So I figured that I might put his worried mind at ease too. I picked up my phone and called him up. Besides, I wanted to hear his voice. I really did.
Immediately, Ryan asked, "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!? No WAIT...don't tell me! No wait...tell me! Yeah, tell me! Is she ok? Did you say anything? You can totally wait until later if you have to! You didn't do it, did you? Awww, dude, it's ok! It takes time, you know? I knew that you were looking a little too uncomfortable to do it tonight. It's alright, though. Seriously. Look, next time, I should be there with you. It might be easier if I'm there..." I think that I could have honestly let Ryan finish out this whole conversation by himself if I really wanted to. Besides, it was just too much fun to hear him freaking out like this. And here I thought that *I* was the one who freaked out all the time. Hahaha! "Randy? Randy, are you still there?"
"Yeah. I'm here." I said calmly, trying to hide my smile. "So...what's going on over at your house? How are you?"
"Dude! Fuck off! Hahaha! Talk to me! Tell me what happened!" He laughed.
"Well, my mom came home..."
"And she said hello. And then she started to make us some dinner..."
"Alright..." Ryan said, his voice shaky. Hehehe, have you ever seen one of those new puppies that are super SUPER happy to see you come home at the end of the day, and they're sooooo excited that they're wagging their tail hard enough to shake their whole body and nearly roll them over on their back? Hahaha, that was my boyfriend right now!
"She asked me about some salsa and stuff. Sour cream. Lettuce..."
"Randy...I swear to God...!!!"
Ok. I guess I've punished him enough. So I paused to take a deep breath, and I sighed, "...And then I told my mom that I was gay. And that you and I were a couple."
I think Ryan nearly fainted when he heard that, a slight whimper escaping from the back of his throat as he fell back on his bed and kicked his cute little sock feet in the air with joy. "Randy!!! Are you really being serious right now??? Don't play with my heart like this! Tell me that you're being serious!"
"Totally serious! I told her!"
"Omigod! I expected, maybe, the 'gay' part...but not the 'couple' part. So, like...she knows about you and me too?"
"Yep!" I said proudly, now beginning to wiggle a bit myself over the fact that he was experiencing such an unfathomable moment of joy over this.
"Oh WOW! This is so epic! SUPER epic!" He said. "What did she say???"
"She was cool about it. Or...at least, I think she was. She said she was..."
"And she's ok with you and me being together?"
"Totally." I said. "I...I think."
"You think?" He asked. "You told her about us, right?"
"Yeah. Well...sort of. Sure."
"What do you mean, 'sort of'?"
I said, "I told her that I think we're 'boyfriends'. I mean, I was a little timid about just saying that I was gay. But I definitely let her know that you make me happy. In fact, I said those exact words. He makes me really happy."
There was a brief pause, and Ryan asked, "Wait...so does she know that were 'together'? Or does she just think that you have the hots for me?"
I hadn't really thought about it that way. "I'm assuming that she knows that you and I are pretty close for just being friends, don't you think?"
"Could be. I don't know. Maybe...I guess..."
"Omigod, did I screw that whole thing up???" I gasped.
"No! Not at all. Randy, what you did...it was awesome. I'm so unbelievably happy for you right now. Ok?" He said. "I'm sure it's fine."
"Really?" I asked. "I mean...I was just kinda winging it the whole way through. I barely even remember what she said afterwards."
With a smile, Ryan asked, "Did you cry? Hehehe!"
I rolled my eyes, and sighed, "Maybe. But just a little bit. They were manly tears, though. I swear."
"No judgements, dude. I think I cried for days after telling my dad for the first time. It's an overwhelming experience, you know?"
"Oh God...it totally is, dude." I said. "So, I'm not a wimp for tearing up and getting all emotional about this?"
"Not at all. If you want me to be completely honest...I think it's kinda hot."
I snickered to myself, and said, "It's hot to see me crying? What kind of perversion are you harboring over there?"
"Hehehe, I just...I think it's sexy, seeing you all exposed and vulnerable. You usually try to hide your feelings until I dig deep enough to get you to fess up and give me the goods." He said. "It's almost like you don't know how utterly beautiful you are, Randy. Inside and out. I mean...the whole modesty bit is charming, but...I kinda like it when I get to see the real you. You impress me. You always have."
Feeling a vast collection of giddy goosebumps being raised on my skin...I giggled to myself and enjoyed the sensation of falling head over heels in love with the cutest boy on the block all over again, as if for the first time. "You impress me too. Just...all the time. I can't help but to be totally obsessed with you. You know that right?"
"I noticed you dropping a few 'hints', here and there, since we first hooked up. So yeah. Hehehe!"
He wasn't even in my room. We weren't even talking face to face. And yet, I was blushing just as hard as I would have if I had to force myself to gaze into his bright hazel eyes until I was weak in the knees. "I love you, Ryan...."
"I love you more." He answered. And with a few little kisses, we hung up the phone...anxious for the moment when we'd be able to see each other again.
It took a lot of squirming for me to get to sleep that night. I've never actually been in this position before. Being out of the closet to my mom. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from my life from this very moment on. Will things change? Will she...like...look at me differently? I know, I know...she said that it was ok and that she just wants me to be happy, and that's great. But...that doesn't mean that she's going to see me as the same little boy that she raised from an infant and gives warm hugs to whenever she's feeling proud of me. Will she still be proud of me? How is she going to treat me from now on? How is she going to treat Ryan? Will she figure out things about Tyler and Ariel too? Will she now be hypersensitive about the amount of time that Ryan and I spend alone now? So many questions. More than I thought there would be.
I kind of figured that 'coming out' would be the hard part...and once it was over and done with...everything else would be a downhill slide into happiness and self fulfillment. Maybe I was being overly optimistic about that part of the whole process.
I won't lie...hearing my alarm clock go off the next morning was one of the most annoying experiences of my entire life. One week away from high school drama and bullshit and homework...and it passes me by in the blink of an eye. Was it really Monday morning already? Do I have to go back? Can't I just...play sick or something? I only had a week's vacation, and thanks to Wilson and his 'germ generating' friends...I didn't even get to enjoy it all. Ugh!
I rolled over in my bed, pulling those warm covers up to my neck and trying to see if I could get another few minutes of sleep in...or maybe just ignore the whole responsibility of having to go back to school at all, and relax for the rest of my life. A short lived fantasy that ended the moment I heard my mom knocking on my bedroom door to make sure I was awake. "I'm up...." I said weakly. And with a heavy sigh, I managed to groan my way to a standing position, grumpily grabbing a few clothes so I could hop in the shower and get myself ready.
I hate Spring Break, you know that? It's such an evil tease for Summer vacation.
I did what I could to fix my hair once I finished drying off, slipped on a pair of white briefs, and just tried to prepare myself for my sluggish trip back to my old routine. And by the time I was done checking to make sure that I had all of my notes, folders, and textbooks, in my backpack...I heard the doorbell ring.
Suddenly, all of the events of the previous day came rushing back to me in this huge hysterical burst. I'm gay! My mom knows that I'm gay! And I'm pretty sure that she knows that Ryan is my boyfriend! Or maybe she doesn't. Or...or maybe she does. Shit! I don't want her to open that door before I get down there!
I hurried downstairs and was, seriously, not above hockey checking my own mother against the wall if it meant answering the door before she did. She gave me a bit of a strange look, but didn't try to stop me as I rushed towards the front door to open it up. I just...I felt like everything had changed when it came to something as simple as having a really REALLY cute boy coming over every morning before school to spend time with me. I mean...how is she going to look at us from now on? Will it be weird? Oh God, please don't let it be weird.
I'm thinking too much again, aren't I? Ugh! I wish I could stop. I really do.
"Hey..." I said, smiling nervously at Ryan as he stepped inside. He was already sporting the most adorable blush as he looked around to see if my mom was within earshot.
"Is everything, like...cool, or...?"
"Yeah. I think so." I told him. "I just woke up about thirty minutes ago, so I haven't had much of a chance to...you know...'talk' about stuff, or whatever."
"Oh. Ok." He said, then sort of leaned over to call out to my mom. "G'mornin', Mrs. Stephens." His voice was a bit on the shaky side, but at least he was making an effort to have this whole thing feel like a normal Monday morning.
"Hi, Ryan." She smiled, stepping out of the kitchen. "I'm putting a few frozen waffles in the toaster for Randy. Do you want some, or have you eaten already?"
"I had a bowl of cereal..." He said, still kind of testing the waters to see if anything about her reaction to him had changed in any significant way.
"Cold cereal? Well that's not enough. You should have something hot for breakfast. Especially on your first day back to school. Sit down, I'll make you a quick duo. I can scramble up some eggs if you want."
Ryan looked over at me, and then said, "Ummm...ok. Sure. That sounds cool."
I felt myself tensing up even more. Not having a clue as to what was going through her head at that particular moment was seriously driving me crazy. Does she know that she's talking to my boyfriend? Did she forget? Was I not clear enough? Having her be so 'regular mom' right now was a form of gaslighting that made me question whether or not last night's conversation had ever happened at all.
We were both a little hesitant to walk into the kitchen at first, but eventually thought that we were drawing more attention to our awkward approach by dragging our feet. So we sat down at the table, and my mom set down two glasses of orange juice in front of us. "Thanks, Mrs. Stephens..." Ryan said quietly, making her smile. Ryan and I kept exchanging looks from across the table, trying to silently convey a message to one another that barely made any sense to either one of us. What were we even doing here? This is so...so WEIRD!
My mom buttered the waffles for me and sat my plate down first, going back to get Ryan's plate ready. "How many eggs do you want, hon? Is two enough?"
"Oh, um...no eggs for me, thank you. Those waffles smell awesome though."
"None for me either, Mom. This is enough." I said. It was a bit clumsy at first, but Ryan and I began to loosen up a little bit more over breakfast. Oddly enough...my mom being so normal felt strangely off center. I almost wish that she had more of a 'problem' with this whole situation so it could put my mind at ease...if that makes any sense. "Mom?"
"Yes?" She answered, but I wasn't quite sure how to approach this. She turned around to look at me, and Ryan and I made some brief eye contact, as he seemed to be a bit worried about where I was going with this. "Randy? What is it?"
I should just say it. Stop being a punk and speak up. "Mom...about that 'talk' that we had last night? I mean...you know about...all of this, right?"
Confused, she said, "All of what?"
Ok...so she's going to make me say it out loud. Great. "You know that Ryan and I are, like...I mean...you know he's my boyfriend, right?"
Ryan's eyes widened, and he almost looked as though he was about to fall right out of that chair!
But my mom simply said, "Yes. You told me."
"Wait...so...you get it, right? I mean...we're together. We're a couple."
"I know what a 'boyfriend' is, Randy. Yes." She smirked.
I was still a bit on edge though. After hiding our relationship for soooo long, it's sort of difficult for e to untie that series of knots in my stomach whenever it came to being this open in front of other people. I can't say that I've ever felt anything like this before. If anything, it's even MORE stressful than being in the closet. At least in the beginning stages, anyway.
Ryan didn't dare turn around to look at my mom. Instead, he just tried to keep his head down and stay quiet while my mom and I talked it out. I asked her, "So...this is ok? I mean, there are no worries or...?"
"Awwww, baby..." She said, and walked across the kitchen to kiss me on the top of the head. "No worries. None at all. Ok? Now hurry up and eat your breakfast before it gets cold. You don't want to be late on your first day back." Then she walked to the other side of the table and gave Ryan a kiss on the top of his head too. "Mwah! So pleased to meet you, Ryan...for the second time." She smiled.
Ryan turned bright red, but just snickered to himself as she patted him gently on the shoulders and went back to the counter to grab a cup of morning coffee.
Ryan's beautiful bright eyes met mine, and we smiled at one another. Was that it? I mean....is it really that simple? No more games? No more secrets? No more sneaking little kisses around corners and behind closed doors? My sweetheart and I can be together without any big problems, or harsh rejections, or needless drama?
Jesus! If I had known that it could even be like this...I would have come out years ago!
Live and learn, I suppose...
Forum timezone: GMT-6|
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.