It's hard to keep from kissing him sometimes. I just like doing it so much.
Tyler has this really cute way of letting his light blond hair flop over his forehead and eyebrows sometimes...and I know that he doesn't really do it on purpose or anything, but...it hardly seems like an 'accident' either. It's almost like he does it on purpose to drive me crazy and make me want to lean in and start kissing him all over again. Sometimes, I think I do it too much. The last thing I'd want is for Tyler Jordan to think I'm getting too frisky and limit my access to those delicious lips of his. I cant imagine anything worse than being pushed away from him as some kind of a pest when I need a brand new kiss from him more than anything.
He's soooo cool. He's so cool that he makes ME cool, you know? And I never felt cool before in my life. It's kind of nice.
That's why my poor, infatuated, heart began to convulse with this agitated sense of panic when Tyler sat up in his bed and I saw him reach out to put his shirt back on.
Sighhhh...I know what that means...
It means that I have to go soon.
I made sure to restrain from complaining, but my breath was short, and my lips began to frown up with a little pout that I tried to turn away from him to hide. I swear, it almost felt like 'heartbreak'. And, I mean, it's not like I wasn't ever going to see him again or anything. I just...I really really didn't want to leave him at that moment. I wanted to stay. If I could handcuff myself to the bed and swallow the key, I would. He could just keep me here, you know? Like his little pet. And we could snuggle together every night, and touch and kiss and hump and make all the love we ever wanted to make for as long as we possibly could. And then, maybe for a little bit more. I wouldn't complain at all if I could just...be with him all the time.
Why, oh why, can't I just be with my Tyler all the time?
I guess, that's not really practical, is it? I'm not trying to be a dork about this, I just...I just don't know if he'll ever realize how much his very presence in my life truly means to me. It's addictive to an almost insane extent. And since we're going back to school soon, I feel like I'm going to be deprived of everything that I loved about my very first Spring Break with my very first boyfriend. Please don't make me leave, Tyler. Please?
"Ariel?" He asked, pulling his undies up to tragically cover more of his immaculate nudity from my hungry eyes. Man, that booty sure knows how to fill out a pair of undies! "Are you ok? What's the matter?"
"Nuthin'..." I sulked, and swung my legs around to get my own undies off the floor so I could get dressed too. This part of my day always sucks the most. "Just...getting my dumb ol' clothes back on..." Did I sound like I was being a spoiled brat? I didn't mean to.
I could feel the mattress sinking slightly as Tyler crawled over to me on his knees and draped his arms over my shoulders, giving me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. "Don't be grumpy. We'll see each other again before school on Monday. Just like always." He grinned.
Ok, so...this time, I was definitely pouting. "It won't be the same." I mumbled under my breath.
"Hey..." Tyler said, this time turning my head to kiss me properly. His lips are so tender. So sweet. "...You and me? We're going to see each other almost every day. And on the days we don't? I'm gonna call you up, just to make sure that my sweetie is doing ok. And we'll hang out on every holiday, and every weekend...and in a few months, we'll be able to spend the whole Summer together. That'll be fun, right?"
"...A couple of months..." I sighed. "I guess."
Maybe I was making too much out of this. I got so obsessed with the idea of being able to just visit my sweetheart every morning and have as much naughty fun with him as I could possibly handle without even thinking about the lame idea of getting caught or having to hold back. It's not that I didn't have tons of fun, it's just that it's going to totally suck going back to touching myself under my sheets at night instead of being with my boyfriend. It won't have the same erotic impact of having him on top of me, pushing his hardness into me and stimulating my whole body from head to toe...telling me that it's ok if I whimper and moan out loud while he penetrates my hole over and over until my legs get numb. I'd much rather have that instead of...you know...'distance'.
How am I ever going to go back to 'distance' ever again?
Tyler swiveled around to sit right next to me, and he looked me directly in the eyes. Like THAT'S supposed to help! His eyes are so darn pretty! "What are you worried about? Huh? Tell me. You know that I'm not going anywhere, right? Not ever. I love you."
"I love you too, Tyler, ok?"
"Hehehe, no, Ariel. I don't just say that to you to get a response. I say it because I mean it. Because it's what I feel in my heart. I say it to express some of this pressure that I feel inside for you before it gets to be too much for me to contain and I burst wide open from the stress of even trying to." He told me. "I say it...because it's a part of the promise that I made to myself, and to you, to never let a single day go by without letting you know that you're the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. I say it because I have sooooo many shivers and wiggles inside whenever you're around that I need to share them with you, because I simply can't carry them all on my own." He kissed me again, and added, "Loving you is the only thing that really makes me happy. And the more I give, the more I get in return. So why would we have ever come this far to stop now? Right?"
I didn't want to seem sad or anything, I just didn't want to go home just yet. That's all. At least, I think that's all it was. I wasn't quite sure what to say. Tyler's so much better at this 'boyfriend' stuff than I am. Or might ever be. But when he kissed me on the cheek again and rubbed his nose against mine, I couldn't hold back my smile, because it tickled a little bit. Hehehe! Tyler has this way of forcing my inner joy past any silly issues that I might be having with the rest of the world in that moment. And when our eyes met again...everything felt like it was still going to be ok when we went back to school. At least for a little while.
"I'm gonna come visit you every day over the Summer..." I snickered.
"That sounds like a plan to me."
"Unh unh, Tyler. I mean, like...EVERY day! You'll never get rid of me!"
"Who would want to? I wouldn't dream of it." He smiled. "Sounds like a good time to me."
"You promise?" I asked.
He put his hand to his chest, and he said, "Cross my heart." And then he kissed the necklace that I gave him as an added bonus.
Omigod...he's so rad...
Eventually...even after struggling with the urge to practically drown myself in those bright blue eyes of his...I had to have him walk me to his front door, where I put my shoes back on. Getting dressed in his bedroom was one thing...but when I tie my shoes...the idea of me having to be apart from his charming company comes into full focus. And I felt myself getting all sad again.
"I guess I'll see you on Monday morning, then?" I said, my eyes getting a bit misty.
He smiled at me, and he said, "Sure. Come by a little early, if you want. Maybe we can hang out for a little while. K?"
"M'kay..." I said softly. "Well...bye..."
"I love you, Ariel."
"Love you too." I replied. I sort of wanted to go back for one more hug and a kiss...but, let's be honest...I'd only be making things worse for myself if I did. I just figured that it would be best if I just walked away while I still had the nerve to do so without tearing up and making a jerk out of myself. Tyler's too good to me to have to feel guilty about my selfish desires to stay put. It just didn't seem fair for me to do that to him. He deserves better.
I know that I was sort of dragging my feet on the way home. I wasn't in any real hurry. Every step towards home was a step away from Tyler. It left this emptiness inside of me, you know? I should be better than this. I should fight it off. It's not like I have anything to be bummed about. How many guys like me ever get the chance to actually capture the affections of their ultimate dream boy? In high school, no less. Have hot boy sex and kisses and still be able to laugh and tease and joke around with one another like we've been the best of friends for years now?
I mean...I know that I'm shy. Painfully shy. And I know that, despite my best efforts, I'm a total klutz that's liable to knock something over or set the carpet on fire if given the chance to awkwardly stand next to something close enough to do so for more than a minute or two. But...Tyler just....he, like...makes me less afraid. Less ashamed. I don't feel so embarrassed and weird when he's around. I wish I knew how he's able to do that. I wish I could find a way to generate that kind of light and confident energy all on my own. Then I wouldn't worry so much about whether I was being a good enough boyfriend for him to love and cherish the way he does. He absolutely adores me for everything that I am, and it really hurts sometimes to know that I can't, for the life of me, figure out why.
If I could just understand what I was doing right in all this...I'd do it a lot more. Like...like, a *LOT* more!
As I was getting close to my house, I started thinking about the way Tyler still looks kind of down sometimes when we're together, and I forgot to check to see if maybe my necklace helped to make him feel a little bit better. I think he was feeling a bit better. I mean...wasn't he? Maybe I was being too selfish to think about it as much as I probably should have. I want him to feel better. It makes me squirm to think that some of my clumsy attempts to be his special boy might be contaminating his usual standard of ultimate perfection. Is it me? Is it somebody else? Is it Randy or Ryan being together? They do seem pretty perfect together. Maybe Tyler wants us to be more like them. And I don't know if I can pull that off. I mean...it's Randy Stephens and Ryan Hatcher! I doubt there's going to be a better gay teen couple in the history of mankind that could possibly compete with those two. They're all so far out of my league. Gosh, I feel so dumb...
When I opened the door with my key and kicked off my shoes on the mat, I noticed how awesome the house smelled. I mean...more awesome than usual whenever Gramms was making something special. "Gramms?" I called out.
"Hi, baby." She called back. "You're back a little bit earlier than I thought you would be tonight. Did you and Tyler have a good time?"
"Uh huh..." I said, wandering into the kitchen in my sock feet to see what was going on in there. I saw her standing by the counter, sprinkling some chopped almonds over some of her specially made cheesecake cookies! Omigod! She knows that those are my absolute FAVORITE!!! I felt my toes wiggling immediately as I looked over her shoulder with the biggest grin ever on my face. Hehehe! YES! SCORE!!!
Gramms just shook her head and sighed to herself. "I take it that you don't want to let these cool down a bit before you get the first taste. I bit my ip to keep myself from giggling out loud, and vigorously shook my head, practically bouncing on the balls of my feet as the intoxicating scent wafted up into my nostrils. Leave it to Gramms to make me feel better when I was starting to get down on myself again. "Alright, alright. Hehehe...get yourself a napkin or two and sit down at the table. I've got to cut them into squares first." She said, handing me a paper plate.
"M'KAY!!!" I said, rushing over to scoot out a chair.
"Just one or two. Don't ruin your dinner. Your father's bringing home some take out from the Italian restaurant next to his offices. It's heavy pasta and all. So no pigging out on cookies beforehand."
"I won't! Just...gimmee gimmee gimmee! Hehehe!" I said. And she delivered. Put two little squares on my plate, and savored that first bite with a passion. Wow! I think she made them even better than the last time. Soooooo good! I wish I could eat more.
Gramms seemed to be pretty normal at first, but even as I was closing my eyes and making yummy noises over her freshly baked treat for the evening...she seemed to notice something about me that, I doubt, I even noticed about myself at that moment. She was quiet about it for a second or two, and let me enjoy my cookies...but then she asked, "So...did you give Tyler his present?"
Still chewing, I quickly picked up my napkin to wipe some of the warm crumbs off of my lips and swallowed before saying, "Oh YEAH! I gave it to him! Awww, Gramms...he seemed to really like it. He put it on right away. It was awesome."
With a smile, she said, "So he took it out of the box and just wore it like a true gem, did he?"
"Unh unh! No way!" I said. "I took it and told him to turn around, and then I put it on for him. I wanted it to be special, you know?"
Her smile widened even more. "Now that's the old Dalton charm that I know and love. Good for you." And I blushed as she giggled at my goofiness. Still, I was proud of at least pulling that part of our day together off without a hitch. "So...no worries, then, I take it?" She asked.
I was already used to that tone of voice. Let's just say that I'm just as in tune with her knowing more than what she's saying by her tone of voice as she knows about me just from the way I walk in the house. We've always been close on that kind of subliminal level. So, why make up stories?
"Almost no worries..." I said. I lowered my head a little bit so my hair would cover my eyes and possibly help me to avoid a weird conversation about it. But when I peeked back up at her, she was clearly not going to let me get away with that. Not this time. "It's not a big deal, Gramms. I'm just being a dummy, ok? I was worried about missing him once Spring Break was over, and I thought about the necklace, and the carnival...I just...I feel like he's hiding something from me, is all."
She nodded. "Hiding something, huh?"
"Yeah." I mumbled. "Like...some kind of big secret. I should prolly just leave him alone, but...you know..."
"It's gotten all up under your skin, hasn't it?" She asked.
Finishing off my last bite of cookie, I said, "I just don't know why he would ever think he has to worry about what I think about him. I mean...that's not, like...a 'thing'. He could never be anything less than perfect in my eyes. I love him, Gramms. I really really do. He's the most beautiful boy that I ever laid eyes on, and I thought that I was doing everything right, but...he's not always happy like I am. I just wish I knew what was bugging him so badly. Maybe I could fix it somehow."
"Well, Ariel, honey...not everything has to be 'fixed'. I'm sure that it's not something that you did."
"I wish I could believe that, but...I feel like I always screw up everything I touch. I don't want my relationship with Tyler to be one of those things." I said, trying not to whine. "It's like...he doesn't have any reason to keep any big secrets from me, you know? Doesn't he realize how much he means to me? Can't he understand that I'll love him no matter what? I pretty much HAVE to! It's not like I have a choice at this point."
Gramms raised an eyebrow. With a smirk, she said, "Well, sometimes we find it hard to let all of our cats out of the bag because we're afraid of hurting or disappointing the ones we love most. Even though we know, deep down, we probably don't have a whole lot to worry about."
"Yeah, I guess." I pouted. "But it's not fair, though. I want to know everything about him. I want to be a part of his life where he doesn't feel the need to hide anything from me, you know?" I said. "I just...I..." As my grandmother's smirk widened in front of me...I think I finally got what she was getting at. "This doesn't have anything to do with me telling my parents that I like BOYS, Gramms!"
"NO!" I said, defiantly. "This is totally different. Don't make me change the subject."
"You sound like you're awfully lost in love to me, kiddo. Why not tell your mom and dad about Tyler, and how happy he makes you?"
"Because, what?" She asked. I hesitated for a long moment, looking down at the floor. "Go ahead, hon. Say it. Say it out loud."
"B-B-Because...I'm worried about hurting and disappointing the ones that I love the most?" I answered softly.
"Bingo." She said, and then got up to give me a hug around my shoulders from behind my chair. "There's always a lawn on both sides of the fence, sweetie. Get used to it." She kissed the top of my head, and then told me, "Whatever your dream boy, Tyler's got on his mind? If it bothers him enough for you to notice while you're happily turned all upside down over him...he'll let you know when he's ready for you to know. I've got a good feeling about you too."
"You do?" I asked.
"I'd bet the farm on it." I gave her a confused look, but I guess it was one of those terms she uses sometimes that I didn't quite understand. "Have some patience, ok? You're just now learning the ropes of this 'love' thing for the first time, and so far, you're doing great. For now? Just enjoy young love and joy for all that it is and all that it can be. You've got so much heart, Ariel. More than enough to give away whenever he needs it. You just stick to you being you. And have enough confidence to know that being yourself is more than enough."
"I don't know if I can do that, Gramms..." I said.
"Then let Tyler help you build it from the ground up. I'm thinking that he'll be good at that."
I stood up from the table to put my paper plate and napkin in the trashcan. But then I walked over to give my Gramms a tight hug. "Thanks, Gramms. You always know just what to say..." Ugh! I'm such a baby! I feel like crying now.
"You just need to stop worrying so much. You'll be fine. Instincts are hard to develop...but once you've got them, they'll never leave you. Always remember that, ok?" We held our hug for a bit longer, and then she said, "Now...if you want, we can still tell your parents that you have a boyfriend when they get home from work..."
"NO!!!!" I giggled, jumping out of her warm embrace.
"Are you sure? A valuable lesson was learned today. We could share it over dinner. I'll be right here if you want me to be a witness..."
"I though you wanted to unburden yourself tonight?"
"You suckered me into saying that stuff...
"Doesn't make it any less true."
"I'm going to my room now!" I said, hurrying out of that kitchen as fast as my slippery sock feet could carry me.
I heard her holler, "What if I just say, 'Ariel has something important to tell you'?"
"NO!!!!" I hollered back, and slammed my bedroom door shut before she could tempt me any further.
Psh! Tell my parents that I'm gay? Heck no! I'm light years away from that particular conversation. I think I'd rather just concentrate on my Tyler for right now. The rest can wait.
It can wait until darn near forever if it has to. I'm in NO hurry, believe me!
They can find out when Tyler and I get married!
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