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It was a moment that I really wished that I could spend alone.
Even after buying food for our next meal and getting ready to head home, I couldnât help but to keep my eyes wide open, hoping to catch sight of Cerianâs beauty just once more before leaving the marketplace. He wouldnât be hard to find. The grace of angel like him would stand out in any crowd. Even the whispered song of his gentle voice was enough to turn heads, providing a holy promise that what you were about to lay eyes on would be well worth the distraction.
My heart yearned for just another few moments of awkward interaction. So badly, in fact, that it felt as if I could cause him to appear right in front of me through sheer will alone. But Tionna pranced happily by my side on the pathway home, chattering away, completely unaffected by the epic event that I had just been a part of. She was my reality while Cerian remained an impossible dream. How is it that she feels like the distraction right now?
âThat little hellion at the market moves pretty fast. But not fast enough to outrun my lashes! Did you see how I caught him? He could have never stolen any silver from us the way he did Versisâ guards! My mother taught me well about how to use both whips together. One to grab or to swing, and one to strike or to blind an opponent. Had it been a TRUE fight, he would not have been able to defeat me!â Tionna bragged proudly, her lashes coiled up around each arm again as she looked upon them with a vain sparkle in her eye.
âHe was just a little boy, trying to feed himself.â I said.
âThen he should have stolen food. Not money from the kingdomâs guards. People have been slaughtered for a lot less.â
âAnd here I thought you were the most Anti-Versis champion in the entire Realm.â
âI am.â She said. âBut if youâre going to be a thief...then steal what you need and nothing more. Itâs the greedy ones that always get caught.â She said, and I let it go. I wasnât really in the mood for a disagreement at the moment. All I could think about was Cerianâs smile, and the nearly irresistible temptation to kiss those sweet lips while letting my surprise craving for him carry me away from this place and fly me to another where only he and I would remain. Where only he and I would matter. âYouâre still thinking about that pretty pretty boy, arenât you?â
âWhaâŚ? No.â I said, trying to regain my focus. âIâm not thinking of any...âpretty pretty boyâ. I was listening to you.â
âYou were listening to me, yes. But you were thinking about him. I can tell.â
âNo you canât. And Iâm not.â I said.
âWell, let me see your eyes then. You always hide your eyes when you donât want me to tell.â She demanded, pouncing in front of me to get a better look. But this time, I was ready.
I put on a pair of dark circular specs to cover up my Quidarian expression, and she gasped out loud the second that she saw them.
âYou have LENSES???â She asked. âWhere did you get Quidarian lenses from?â
I attempted to hush her up and get her to lower her voice as we passed a few other travelers on the road. Then I aggressively whispered, âI found them at an underground merchantâs table in one of the alley. He was selling them for cheap...so I decided to get myself a pair.â
Her eyes got even wider than they were before. âI canât believe you did that!â
âWhat?!?! Quidarianâs wear lenses all the time. Itâs no big deal.â
âOnly gamblers and criminals wear Quidarian lenses! Your father is going to strike you good if he finds out about this.â
âHeâs not GOING to find out about this! And youâre not going to tell him. Do you understand?â I demanded. âIt doesnât mean anything. Itâs not like Iâm going to wear them all the time...â
âJust around me then, I take it.â She sulked. âI thought you trusted me.â
âI do trust you, Tionna...â
âThen why do you need lenses?â
âBecause!â I said angrily, trying to pull some of my frustration back. âIâm sick of being so âexposedâ all the time. Canât I just have some privacy and maybe keep some thoughts and emotions to myself every once in a while? Is that too much to ask?â
Still pouting slightly, Tionna was quiet for a moment before saying, âQuidarians are known for their honesty. The visible change of eye color is what inspired them to be one of the most highly trusted races in the Realm. Your whole culture is built around it.â I didnât look at her, I just kept walking. I wasnât about to let her shame me for this. âThereâs something about being exposed, being vulnerable...that makes you humble. It keeps you true to your inner self.â
âIâm not a race or a people or a culture, Tionna. Iâm one person. And this feels right to me, ok?â I said, hoping to get her to back off...even if I did begin to feel bad about it. âIâm not trying to âhideâ. I just want to be left alone long enough to figure out who I am.â
With a bit of a frown, she said, âQuidarians donât lie. Vengrels lie.â
Even having her mention my motherâs people hurt me to my very core, and I suddenly stopped walking to give her an angry look when she turned around. âTake it back...â I said.
âOrrin...I wasnât trying to say...â
âTAKE IT BACK!!!â
Looking down in the dirt, her tail submissively curling around her leg, she mumbled, âIâm sorry, Orrin. I take it back.â
âSo Iâm displaying the worst parts of me, am I? A halfbreed? Go ahead...say it!â
âThatâs not what I meant, ok?â She pleaded. âYou know me. Sometimes my tongue speaks before my brain has time to catch up. Thatâs all.â I rolled my eyes and looked away from her, the sting of her comment lingering as I removed my lenses and hid them back in my satchel. âIâm sorry. I wouldnât have said it if I knew youâd take it so hard.â
âOnly mad because you hurt my feelings, are you? Not because you thought it up in the first place?â I said, and started walking again...right past her. âNow whoâs the liar.â
She took a second before following behind me, but what else was she going to do. She had a certain attachment to me that she wasnât going to get with anyone else. Or at least thatâs the way she saw it. Being friends with a Ferran can bring many benefits when you need to hear what they think you need to hear...but donât ever think that youâll be able to get away without having them obliterate your pride every now and then. Itâs not always welcome. Sometimes itâs just plain rude. I guess Iâve just gotten used to her being this way.
We made our way through the woods and had hardly said much of anything to one another until we were almost back at my home. I could smell the smoke of my fatherâs controlled fire and felt a bit of a rumbling in my stomach as I knew that supper wouldnât be all that far off from being finished. However, thatâs when Tionna softly asked me, âAre you going to tell Terion that youâre a boy lover tonight?â
âNo. Iâm not.â I said, resentfully. âBesides, I never really said that I was one, now did I?â
She was quiet for another few steps, and then asked, âThatâs why you bought the lenses, isnât it? To hide how you feel...about him?â
âI wasnât trying to hide, Tionna. Ugh! Why canât you just leave this alone?â
âFor the same reason that you canât.â She said. âThereâs a huge part of your spirit that needs to know. A question in your heart that has gone unanswered.â
âWell...Iâm thinking that today wonât be the day that it magically presents itself, so thereâs no reason to get my father all worked up for nothing.â I told her.
âA very dark gray...â She said.
âWhat?â
âYour eyes. Dark gray. Turning black. Fear...â
âSTOP looking at my eyes! Itâs none of your business!â I grumbled, still feeling a bit of the ire I had for her earlier in our trip home.
âTerion wonât turn you away, Orrin. He loves you with his whole heart. Of that I can be sure.â
âJust once, I wish you were capable of taking the hints that I give you. Leave it alone and let me be.â I said, turning to face her. âDo you hear me?â
âYes. I hear you.â She seemed hurt, but did her best to hide it. Perhaps I had been too unkind but...she goes too far sometimes. She pushes too hard. I donât need any harsh truths right now. Iâm much more comfortable floating on a sea of ambiguity and confusion right now. A place that doesnât force me to make a choice before Iâm ready. A place that Iâm going to have to call home for a little while, at least where my deepest, darkest, secret emotions are concerned.
As we approached the house, my father walked outside, wiping his hands with a rag and holding a few cooking utensils that he was prepared to use for the meal. âYouâre back. Itâs been a while, I was starting to worry.â He said. âHello, Tionna.â
âHello...â She said, still a bit pouty after having me disgrace her the way I did.
âWell, thatâs not the feisty young lady that I know.â He grinned. But as she kept her word and didnât say anything more to him about what we had been up to this afternoon, he looked back and forth between us with a touch of suspicion. âIs everything alright? You two didnât run into any trouble at the market, did you?â
âNo. Everything was ok.â I said.
He observed our demeanor for another moment or two, and then said, âWell...good. Iâve seen a swarm of sentinels flying about today. They must be seeking out someone pretty important for King Versis to send them out in such numbers. It might be better for you two to stay close to home for the time being. At least until this whole thing blows over. No need to tangle with the likes of those monsters if you donât have to.â He looked down at my satchel and asked, âAlright then...what did you bring us?â I handed it to him, and he put it down on the table to inspect it as he pulled each item out of the bag. âPunzasha meat? I thought you didnât like it.â
With a smile, I said, âI donât know. For some reason, I had a taste for it today.â
âThere was a thief in the marketplace today. HE wanted Punzasha meat. Thatâs probably why.â Tionna said, and I elbowed her in the side to shut her up.
âA thief, you say?â My father grinned.
âA child. You should have seen him. He was a speedy little scoundrel to behold.â Was I going to have to elbow her again or what? She can be SO spontaneous sometimes.
âAh well, hopefully he was able to get away with enough to fill his belly for the evening. Hahaha!â My father gave the meat a decent rub, and then reached for some of the spices I brought home as well. âThis is a pretty expert cut. Very fresh as well. My cheers to the merchant who prepared it for us. You two have yourselves some fun. Run out all of that left over energy youâve got while I sprinkle and season this up for a decent feast. A good hour over the fire should do us all just fine. Agreed?â
âThank you, Father. Weâll be back soon.â I said, and dragged Tionna out of there behind me and away from the house before her brazen nature found a way to embarrass me any further.
âYou donât ever plan to tell him, do you?â She asked as soon as we got out of earshot.
âI wish it could be that easy, but it wonât be.â I said. âIâll get older, my experience rings will expand...and sooner or later heâs going to want to know why I havenât chosen a potential bride. Hopefully, I will have found a way to put the speech together that my father deserves to explain why Iâm so...âdifferentâ.â
Tionna was quiet for a moment, but I could tell it was only because she was trying really hard to bite her tongue on the subject. Instead of challenging my unwillingness to simply spill everything out and tell the whole world what I feel just because I feel it...she said, âThat Cerian boy is certainly attractive. Tanzian ears and all. I would like to think that your father would be proud of your choice.â She then added, âHe seems nice too.â
This wasnât like her at all. I worried that my comments to her might have done some damage, and I told her, âIâm sorry for what I said earlier, Tionna. I didnât mean to hurt you.â
âI didnât mean to hurt you either.â She replied. âI was only trying to get you to be honest with yourself. I know it isnât an easy path to travel for a great deal of people, but...can you really say that youâre happier this way?â
âI am for now.â
âAnd what about later? Loving boys isnât as big a menace as you may think it is. Not to anybody who really matters. Iâm willing to accept you just fine...â
âYou donât get it, Tionna...â
âThen explain it to me.â
âIâm not LIKE you, ok? Or like those other people who just wear their attractions like fine cloth and hold hands in public without wondering who else might be watching. I need time to process things. I need a barrier to keep people out of the most sensitive and most potentially painful parts of my heart until Iâm ready to tell them who I am. I want some sense of control. And how can I achieve that when all anybody else wants to do is either shame me, dissuade me, or encourage me to move faster than I want to go. Nobody seems to understand how difficult it is to not look at life through their eyes all the time.â I said, my mood dampening itself more rapidly than I ever could have expected. âWhen I figure things out for myself, without having to worry about somebody elseâs demands, or disappointments, or frustrations...maybe then Iâll feel more comfortable about this. Maybe then Iâll go out and tell the whole Realm how I feel. But until then, they have no right to influence me with answers to questions that I never asked them for. Itâs my life. I donât live it for them. I want to live it for me.â
She was always stubborn, but she was fair. Thatâs one thing that I could always count on when it came to Tionna. âI suppose I can understand that. I wonât promise to always be so patient with you...but I will make a warriorâs attempt.â
âHehehe, a warriorâs attempt, huh?â I grinned. âWhatever that is...Iâll take it.â
âYou have no choice.â She grinned back. âYouâre dealing with a future Ferran defender, after all.â
I chuckled to myself, and gave her a wink. âIt was pretty cool, how you got my practice sword back from the kid in the marketplace. You and your dual lashes.â
âI KNOW! That was insane, right? Iâd defend you with my life, Orrin! You should pray for your enemies whenever they choose to pick on you in my presence. I am already deadly, and Iâm far from being done with my training. Ha!â
âI donât think I need defending. Iâm getting to be a pretty savage warrior myself, you know?â I said.
âOh please!â She scoffed. âSavage warrior, and you fall into a heap of crumbs at the mere sight of an Elvish breed.â
âThis coming from a âstrong female warriorâ who gets offended just because I didnât tell her she looked pretty.â I said. Her mouth dropped open in surprise, but with half a smile.
âI WAS pretty! And you know it!â She said, giving me a playful punch in the arm.
âUh oh!â I giggled. âNow youâve done it.â I drew my wooden practice sword and held it out in front of her. âNo sneaky tricks this time, Ferran!â
Tionna saw my eyes shifting over to a bright shade of gold, a playful expression that made her smile as she got into her usual stance, low to the ground...legs wide while balancing on her haunches. âI donât need any sneaky tricks to beat the likes of you. Hehehe!â
âPurr for me, kitty cat!â And with that, she pounced forward to knock me onto my back, causing me to roll over and toss her off of me. She unraveled both of her whips, but I didnât have any worries about her using them to hurt me. To be honest, her control with those things was way beyond anything that I could ever do myself. Iâd probably take out one of my own eyes in the first few moments of flailing those straps around the way she does. Still...Iâd never admit that to her.
Iâve got to maintain SOME level of boyish pride, donât I?
We circled each other for a moment, and then we both leapt forward for a friendly clash. She was so fast, so flexible. It was hard to keep an eye on her for more than a few blurry seconds before she was able to leap over me, slide between my legs, or spin around behind me. Luckily, my father taught me how to defend without even looking so that I could keep her from getting the upper hand too quickly. I was able to duck and dodge and block almost as well as she could, and eventually she got fed up and just lunged at me to tackle me down to the ground in a last minute attempt to win.
Out of breath, we both smiled at one another for a moment, and then I used my hand to gently pet her side until she squirmed away, her whole body vibrating all at once. âDonât make me purr!!!â She laughed. âYou donât play fair! You cheat!â
I giggled, âI thought everyone cheated when it came to battle? Isnât that what you said earlier?â
âI said no such thing. Besides...this was different.â She said.
âSure it was.â
And it was then that her head suddenly lifted up and her tail stood straight up as she sensed the presence of others approaching us from elsewhere in the woods. She nimbly rolled to her feet, this time with a much meaner look on her face as she looked over my shoulder to see what was coming. I turned my head to see three other boys headed our way, and I was quick to sit up once I saw who it was.
âWell, well, well...look at what we have here? The local Vengrel halfbreed and his undisciplined savage of a âgirlfriendâ.â He said. âFancy meeting you two out here.â
Bolodor. You have no idea how much I truly despise that boy...
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