(Chapter 12) -- The Shack Forums

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I was walking down the sidewalk, but my feet felt numb to the impact of every step. I was hurting inside, but my heart felt immune to every off rhythm beat of my heart. Rejected. Alone. Dismissed without any real reason that I could make sense of. It hurt. God, it hurt sooooo much! But my only defense was to pretend that it didn’t. To convince myself that it just wasn’t real. And….hard as I tried, it just wasn’t working.

Had I gotten so used to having other gay boys trip over themselves and fall so deeply in love with me at first glance that I somehow felt that my privilege of beauty and popularity would somehow work in every situation that I ever came across for the rest of my life? How is this possible, you know? I want Colin….and he’s deliberately forcing himself to not want me back? And his reason for feeling this way completely disassembles my every advantage and attribute that I could ever use to get his attention in the first place? It’s not FAIR!

I wasn’t trying to use him, ok? I wasn’t just trying to get in his pants or make him some kind of a trophy or a conquest. I really LIKED Colin! I wanted to see if maybe I could turn things around in my life and find something truly special in a boy that matters.

I just don’t understand what I did wrong in all of this. I thought things were moving in the right direction. Colin was just a shy guy who was a little worried about opening up emotionally to someone that he didn’t know all that well yet. I could deal with that. I was MORE than willing to display Christ-like patience if it meant that a sweetheart like Colin was going to end up being the prize in the long run.

From the first moment that I saw him...I saw an exquisite aura around him that I had never seen before. One that I felt like I’d never see again. It didn’t have anything to do with his looks or his clothes or even his subtle and bashful personality at the time. It was just...there. It glowed. It shined. And it made me feel welcome and comfortable in a way that I had never known before. And then...after just after a few interactions with him on a personal level...it intensified with a radiance that I wasn’t prepared to explain or even understand fully. It just...it felt like love, you know? Love at first sight.

So why am I walking away from Colin’s house all alone? Why do I feel so defeated? So embarrassed? I spent so much of my life thinking that I could have more than a shallow sexual relationship and reach out for something more if only I was willing to put myself out there, push my ego aside, and take the shot, you know?

By the time I got home, all I could do was flop back on my bed and just...well...basically, just feel sorry for myself. Maybe it was unhealthy and stupid, but I just...I didn’t know what else to do with myself in that moment. I didn’t even have anything to blame...including myself. So I had nobody to be angry at. Well...I take that back...

I’m angry at this ‘Ricky’ asshole! This son of a bitch that would be so selfish as to completely RUIN a beautiful heart heart like Colin’s for some kind of stupid fling that he could have saved for some grade school kid who wasn’t looking for more than a few kisses and a two week ‘relationship’ with no substance or future in it whatsoever. Ricky could have gotten online and lured in some braindead piece of shit who wasn’t expecting anything other another cute boy to jack off with and maybe some hot phone sex. He didn’t know what he had in a boy like Colin. He had no idea how special he was, how sweet and how tender and how amazing he was beyond just being a cute face for him to imagine showering with ho splashes of his over excited cum for the sake of a quick release and nothing else. Ricky was a complete IDIOT in that respect!

But...can I say that I was all that different? Isn’t that the same thing that I did to target Joey when I first got him over to my house so we could be alone? Maybe my brain was working in a different way than it is now, but...can I really say that I had any other plans for Joey outside of shooting a full load into that tight, athletic teen ass of his when I first got him naked? Because, let me tell you...I came SOOOO hard those first couple of times! Joey is HOT! He really is. There’s no arguing that point. And you would think that anybody would be blessed and honored to get a piece of that hot, smooth, tight, ass of his. But...

Call me stupid...but my emotions get in the way. That’s what makes me feel like I’m so spoiled. How is a hot boy like Joey not enough for me? I’m sure there are other gay teens who would KILL to have him love them with the kind of undying loyalty that he has for me. It’s almost unfair that I allowed my good looks to act as bait to keep him all to myself when he could be out there bringing an infinite amount of pleasure to someone else. There are few boys in our grade that could compare to Joey’s lovely face and sexually advantaged body. He was, like...BUILT for a hot sweaty afternoon of breathtaking boy sex!

I wanted Colin. And not for sex. I just wanted to be there with him. To talk to him. To relate to him and hear about his love for comic books. To watch him pretend not to love a milkshake, or even to give me a surprised face when I spill my shake all over him. He doesn’t have to kiss me or lick me or suck me to bring me to the heights of arousal. I can get that just by walking into a library and seeing him reading a book, completely oblivious to that fact that I was staring at him with the all the craving of a hungry wolf the whole time. I think that I’d already be on the edge of a mind-blowing climax by the time I ever got close enough to kiss him anyways. So what would be the point of pursuing the promise of a possible sexual encounter?

His pretty face is the incitement of arousal. Having him talk to me and maybe flashing me a genuine is the foreplay. It’s really all I wanted. All that I dared to want, as my heart wasn’t sure that it could handle much more from him at this point. But it’s not like I was pushing him or trying to force him to like me, was I? I just...I wanted him to like me. I’m used to people liking me.

Sometimes...looking the way that I look is a lot more complicated than it looks, you know? I don’t want everybody’s attention all the time. I’m a person, just like everybody else. I’m NOT hot, or gorgeous, or sexy...I’m just me. Why can’t people understand that?

I think I spent the rest of the night feeling like I just wanted to curl up in a tight ball and die. Seriously. As plain and everyday as most people may think that Colin was...he was a specimen of absolute perfection to me. I LIKED that he was super skinny! I liked his brown hair and his brown eyes and his cute little turned up nose! I liked his lanky arms and his slightly big feet and his clumsy way of carrying his books through the hallway. I liked the mid-change squeak in his boyish voice, and the way that his clothes almost fit him...but not quite in the right way. He was just...he was so natural, you know? So naturally lovable. I’m only a few blocks away from his house, and I feel like I miss him already.

I think I spent the rest of that night just sitting in my room all night, all alone, tossing and turning on my bed and trying my best not to cry. My mom actually came knocking on my door twice to see if I was feeling ok, and my dad once after that. Feeling ok. Psh...as though to antacids or allergy medications could somehow cure what was wrong with me in that particular moment. It wasn’t that kind of pain. I don’t even know if they’d be able to comprehend the kind of pain that I was feeling that night. It was soul crushing...and that’s putting it lightly. It ached in the middle of my stomach...like I had swallowed an entire brick, and my inexperienced emotions were doing all they could to break it down and digest what was going through through me...but I just wasn’t working.

I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much right now. It’s like a total collapse of my insides all at once, and its a bit much for me to handle. Especially since I’m doing it for the very first time. Ugh. He doesn’t want me. Colin really doesn’t WANT me! So what the hell is supposed to happen now? I’ve never experienced anything like this before, and my whole body seems to be throwing a full blown tantrum in response to it. I can’t stop shaking. I’m shaking sooooo bad.

By the time that I woke up the next morning, not only was I disappointed to realize that my painful anxiety over Colin hadn’t even begun to fade or give any hint that those intense feelings were ever going to go away, but the extremely painful experience of maybe having to see him at school again, to look him in the face, with both of us knowing how one another feels about each other is going to make things much more uncomfortable than ever before.

Jesus...what did I do? I probably would have been better off just leaving things alone.

I got out of bed, and...I’m ashamed to say it, but when I checked my phone and saw a text from Joey, saying, ”I’m getting ready to jump in the shower, babe! Wanna join me?” With a generic kissy face emoji to bring home his point. I almost wanted to text him back and tell him that I’d love to.

It wouldn’t be the truth, but there was a part of me that was beginning to believe that maybe this was all I should be expected to deserve in this life. Somebody who can’t look past my pretty face and just wants to hook up whenever he’s feeling horny. And...you know what? When you have to chose between an immediate release for your horniest desires with another super hot boy, and struggling with the pain and doubt and insecurity of putting up with Colin’s angst and self deprecating bullshit...I mean, which one would YOU choose? I just...I needed to feel good at that moment. Anything would be better than this empty hole in the center of my heart.

”Hey, Joey! I miss you babe. Maybe we can get together some time soon? What do you say?”

I felt a little bit dirty writing it. Partially because it felt like I was cheating on Colin...which was stupid, because he totally rejected me and told me to buzz off...and partially because I knew for a fact that I was just using Joey to get back at him for it. It was, like...my ‘revenge’, you know? It really was.

I wanted to bring Joey over here and grease him up, and shove my hard six and a half inches into him, balls deep, and really FUCK him hard! Fuck him so hard that he cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain, and feel his tight hole collapse around my stiff member until I was so overwhelmed with my lewd and lustful cravings that I forgot all about the vessel beneath me and humped my way into an explosive orgasm that shook me to my very core and made it worth the emotional abandonment that I was trying force upon myself concerning Colin and his stupid STUPID trauma from some online relationship that wasn’t even REAL! Just some bullshit texts and lovey dovey messages between him and some fucked up loser who never once gave a shit about him outside of the instant pleasure that he could get out of enticing somebody into falling in love with someone who was ultimately going to abandon him at the drop of a hat anyway. I would have given Colin more love and romance than his poor little heart could have possibly handled, if he ever gave me the chance. But no...he’d rather go chase somebody else, I suppose. Somebody ‘pretty’. Or assume that I’m going to do the same.

I really liked him, you know? And it hurts. Love...it HURTS! But this is what I asked for, isn’t it? The first time experience of actually opening up my heart to something that it may or may not be able to handle?

Weird. I’m starting to think that I would have been much better off without having felt anything for him at all. Which is sad...because I feel like I miss him already. And all I have is this empty void in my chest to remember him by.

I was abnormally quiet for the rest of the night. I know that my parents noticed, but they’ve seen me feeling down before, and they’re actually pretty good at knowing when to offer their help and guidance, and when to just leave me alone for a while to straighten things out in my head. And that’s just what I was in that moment….’alone’.

I went to bed that night with a deep ache in the center of my stomach...and woke up with a similar agony, but slightly numb from its familiarity at that point. I don’t know how long it takes to get rid of something like this, but I was sort of hoping that I could maybe fill up some of this black vacuum inside of me with a little bit of Joey’s attention. Because I really just needed someone to gently stroke and pet my ego in that moment. To feel loved and cherished and...important. Not like some piece of trash that could so easily be tossed aside by someone that I had invested so much of my time and emotion into. Joey may fall short of my ultimate dream boy...but at least he was available. At least I could talk to him and have some level of communication that let me know what was on his mind.

Just...how could Colin have this ‘Ricky’ kid just abandon him at the drop of a hat, get his heart broken...and then do the exact same thing to me? How is any of this fair???

I think my brain was reaching the point of exhaustion by the time I made the long walk to school that day. Trying to think about….stuff. Then trying desperately to distract myself from thinking about stuff. And then realizing that I was deliberately trying to distract myself from the stuff that I was thinking about, which only made me think about it even more. I just...I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like it at all.

“Hey! Goldie? Ummm...Russ...” A voice shouted out from across the lawn, and I saw Colin’s best friend, Missy, locking up her bike to one of the racks out front. “...Wait up a second!” She said.

I’m not even sure why I stopped, but I was willing to be polite enough to wait for a minute as she made her way over to where I was standing. “Hey.” I said, doing a very poor job at working up a somewhat welcoming smile, more for her sake than my own.

“S’up?” She said, her shiny braces gleaming so brightly that they were almost blinding to the eye. “Listen...do you think that, ummm...maybe you can chit chat for a minute or two before classes start?”

Still feeling a bit down, but not wanting to be rude, I said, “I guess I can. I mean...I don’t want to be late or anything...”

“You won’t be late. Promise.” She said. “Well...not promise, but….whatever. I just wanna touch base with you for a second. Is that ok? I mean, I know you don’t really know me all that well, but...”

“Heh...lucky for you, that’s one subject that I happen to be an expert on.” I smirked.

Ugh! Just hearing her say his name was like a sucker punch to the gut all over again. “Oh….” I mumbled softly. “Something that I’m not so much an expert at, unfortunately.” Then, after looking down at my feet for a second or two, I just told her, “Look, maybe this would be a better talk to have a bit later, you know? I’m not really sure that I have a whole lot to say about...’that’.”

“Russ...listen, ok?” She said, now adapting a much more serious tone. “Colin? He likes you. I mean...you’ve GOTTA know that, right? It’s pretty obvious.”

“Well, somebody needs to clue him in on the big secret...because I get the feeling that the exact opposite is true. And it...it just is what it is. You know?”

“Yeah, but it isn’t what you think it is. K?” She insisted. “I dunno...maybe it’s complicated or whatever, but...I’m telling you the truth when I say that he is actually crazy about you! More so than I’ve ever seen with any other boy before.” There was a part of me that wanted to believe her. There really was. But she didn’t see him face to face, or look him in the eye, when he basically told me to get lost. Like...forever. He clearly meant it. He took my heart and chucked it as far into an empty cornfield as he possibly could. And if what I was feeling right now is even a fraction of what he felt for his online fling with this Ricky boy...then I totally understand why he would do that. If anything, I was hoping to learn from his example so I could spare myself from ever having to experience this feeling again. Like...ever. “Listen...Colin told me what happened yesterday. Ok? And he made me promise that I wouldn’t tell...but he’s a hot mess right now, and I don’t even know if he’s coming to school today because he’s being extremely goofy about all of this. And the two of you need to sit down and get to the heart of what’s going on right now.”

I said, “Missy, it’s cool that you mean well...but we already had that conversation. Colin made his choice, and I’m in no position to change his mind about it. I just want to forget about it.”

“NO! Don’t forget about it!” She said, and that’s when we heard the first bell for classes ringing outside, all of the other students rushing towards the front doors so they could get to class on time. I was getting ready to follow them in, but Missy put her hand out to stop me. And she seemed a bit anxious as she looked around for a moment before blurting out, “Ditch!”

“Just the first class! Ditch with me! Let’s go somewhere and talk for a bit!”

“C’mon, pleeease? Just one class! Give me a chance to explain.” She said, almost whining in desperation.

“You don’t have to explain anything. It’s not like it’s your fault or anything...”

“I know, I know...but Colin’s my best friend.” She pleaded. “Let me at least try to give you a bit more perspective on what’s happening in his head. Can you humor for a little while? After that, we come back to school, and it’ll be like we never left. K?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to think about him all day like I don’t have a life of my own to live. But...she was so hopeful. And maybe getting some of these hurtful feelings off of my chest is the way to work my way back towards ever being happy again. So, I said...”I guess. Where do you wanna go?” And allowed her to lead the way.