Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:
Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):
Lunch was extremely awkward that day. Partially because I knew that my best friends had a shit load of questions for me that they were afraid to ask. And I had didnât know if I had the answers to give them. Or any answers that I was willing to be open about in public. We just sort of sat there...pretending that everything was ok. Like we could just slip back into our normal routine as if nothing had changed.
But letâs be honest, right? A lot had changed. And just in the past few minutes alone.
I kept wondering if maybe I should be the one to offer up the chance to talk more about me and Drew being in love with each other...or if that might make things worse. Then again, having to sit there and wait for one of them to say something first was creating enough pressure to squash my heart until there was no longer any room for it to beat normally anymore. It was a standoff. Thatâs what it was. With both sides not wanting to be the âbad guyâ in all this, but being well aware of the fact that we were going to have to address the rabid tiger in the room eventually before it tore us all to pieces.
You know...I spent so much time thinking that my friends would either brush off my confession as though it was no big deal at all...or that theyâd simply turn on me and hate me for who I am, never speaking to me again. What I wasnât prepared for was this strange middle ground where the pendulum didnât seem to want to sway in one direction or the other. An emotional limbo between two extremes that left me feeling lost and alone. No questions...no answers. Just this embarrassingly cumbersome lack of conversation...and the anxiety of knowing that things might never be the same between us again if we donât tackle this problem head on at some point in the near future. So weird. I really could have done without this extra tension today.
By the time the bell rand and our lunch break was over, I could barely look anybody in the eye or raise my voice much higher than a whisper, or maybe a soft mumble. We took our trays to the garbage to toss out our trash and then put them back on the stacks for the staff to wash for tomorrow, I guess. And then we left the cafeteria together in a group. Billy and Joey were both going a different way, but they forced themselves to stick around for a few extra seconds...with Billy being the first to speak up and say, âIt was good to have you back at the table with us, dude. I mean that.â And he gave me a hug. Like...an actual hug. Billyâs not a hugger. Not at all. Not even when he thought I was straight. It was a bit strange for me to have him do that all of a sudden.
Then Joey said, âDonât let any of this bullshit get you down. K? Weâve got your back, Ethan. Always.â And he gave me a hug too.
OkaaaayâŚ.so, this is different. I donât know if I like this or not. It feels good, but...ugh! Itâs WEIRD, ok??? Just weird.
âWeâll catch up with you guys later.â Jermaine said, hoisting his backpack strap further up on his shoulder. âCome on, Iâll walk with you. Letâs go.â
âAre you sure?â I donât know why I asked, but I felt like I should.
Jermaine gave me a bewildered look. âAm I sure? What the fuck are you talking about? Donât be a geek. Câmon.â He said, and started walking down the hall, knowing that I was guaranteed to follow. And as we navigated our way down the hallway, with nobody paying us much attention at all...he asked me, âDid you really think that I was going to tell Billy and Joey about...you know? You and Drew?â
Feeling a bit ashamed, I blushed and said, âTo be honest...I donât know what I think anymore. Iâm like...paranoid and insecure and I feel like I have to juggle everything that I know about my life right now while trying not to let any parts of who I am hit the floor. And I donât think Iâm too good at it.â
Jermaine looked over at me, and he asked, âSo...Drew, huh? Does he, like...I mean he feels the same way? About you two being together?â
âYeah.â I told him, but not before looking around us to see if anybody might be eavesdropping in on our conversation. It SUCKS that I even have to factor the feelings and judgements of the rest of the world around me before admitting that Iâm totally in love with a true angel who loves me back. I wish it didnât have to be like that. But I guess thatâs too much to ask for.
I just donât understand why people canât simply gather up some self awareness and control instead of trying to warp the rest of reality around their narrow minded ideas of what they think life should be. Running and hiding from anything they donât understand or makes them feel even slightly uncomfortable. Think about it. How sad is that, you know?
âFor what itâs worth...you two seem really cool together.â Jermaine said, taking me by surprise.
âYou donât have to say that...â I told him, but he insisted that it was true.
âNo way. I can totally see it. Iâm not gonna lie, Ethan...there have been times that Iâve seen you and Drew in the halls...and I donât think Iâve ever seen you more satisfied. With life in general.â He said. âAnybody that could possibly make you just...glow like that without even trying? Thatâs a keeper, dude. Iâm kinda proud of you, if I had to be honest.â
I almost didnât want to accept the compliment. I half expected some harsh teasing at least from having Jermaine find out that his best friend was gay for the first time. But as I peeked over at him a few more times...I could see that the sentiment was about as genuine as it gets. He really meant it, didnât he? Wow. Not only did he not care...but he was actually willing to cheer me on. To say that this was an unexpected turn of events would be a severe understatement.
âThanks, Jermaine.â I told him, and he patted me affectionately on the back. âListen...if Drew knew about this...I mean, heâs pretty fragile about, you know...having people know about us. So, if you could do me a solid and just, like...not...â
âDonât worry, Ethan. Iâm not gonna run around school snitching about your new boyfriend. Pinky swear. K?â
âCool.â I said with a sigh of relief. âI mean, itâs not like Iâm ASHAMED or anything!â
âOf course not.â He smirked.
âWeâre just...trying to figure things out. You know how it goes.â
âUmmm, no. No I donât.â He giggled and slapped the back of his hand against my chest. âJust know that Iâm here when you need me. K? Thatâs all that matters.â
Feeling bad, I looked down at the floor and mumbled, âI should have come to you guys from the very beginning. I just...I didnât know what to do, you know? And I didnât want Drew to freak out, because heâs so worried that heâs gonna put some kind of âcurseâ on me simply because Iâm associated with him. He keeps trying to tell me that Iâm going to regret ever getting involved with him in the first place, and I just canât get him to relax long enough to make him believe that I donât care about any of that stuff. I mean...I know he gets bullied and stuff, and I probably will end up catching hell for this too...â I started to get a little chocked up, but I looked at Jermaine with misty eyes, and I said, â...But heâs so worth it, Jermaine. You have no idea how amazing he makes me feel when weâre together. I just wish I could protect him from this foolishness. But I donât know how. I canât even protect myself anymore.â
Just as I said the words out loud, I noticed that we were both approaching my locker...and Jermaine could clearly see that whoever was torturing me had come back to write the word âFAGGOTâ on my locker three of four times, practically covering the whole door. And it hurt. It really did. I felt my head drop until my chin was basically resting on my chest in shame...knowing that my secret was on display in front of the whole school to point and laugh at. They just canât leave me alone. They keep coming back to remind me that Iâm supposed to be a piece of shit. What do they want from me? Are they trying to get me to kill myself? Is that what they want? Because...honestly, if it wasnât for Drewâs love...that option wouldnât be off the table for me.
Looking at my locker, Jermaine just turned towards me and said, âHey...you know, Iâve got plenty of room in my locker down the hall, right? Why donât you just put your stuff in there. Iâll write down the combination for the lock, and youâll be all set.â
âThis is so fucked up.â I said sadly.
âItâs not a problem. Itâll be cool to have a âroommateâ for a change.â He tried to get me to smile, but I couldnât manage it. Not even for his sake.
âThe idea that this is the kind of thing that Drew has had to go through every day of his life for years now...itâs heartbreaking. How am I supposed to fight this? I donât even have somebodyâs ass to kick. Itâs so unfair.â
With a serious tone, Jermaine turned me to look him in the eye. âDonât you DARE give these assholes the upper hand by letting them eat away at your pride, dude. Donât you dare.â He said. âWhoever is doing this...heâs a goddamn COWARD! You hear me? Heâs too chicken to talk to you face to face. Heâs just a sad sack of shit who gets off on hurting other people because he has no other way to get attention or feel good about himself. Thereâs NOTHING lovable about him at all, and he knows that. Nobody is ever ever EVER going to see anything of value in him ever. He hates his own reflection, and he takes it out on other people to keep from dwelling on the fact that heâs utter garbage. A loathsome subhuman waste of oxygen whoâs too afraid to deal with the hatred he feels inside so he tries to push it off on you. And Drew. And the cashier at the fast food joint. And anybody else who is willing to be bothered and frustrated enough by him to justify his very existence on this fucking planet. Donât be one of those people, Ethan. Youâre better than that.â
âI donât know, Jermaine. Theyâre just trying sooooo hard to ruin me, and I donât know why.â
âThere IS no why! They suck! Period!â He demanded. âLook on the bright side...you are living in their heads, rent free, twenty four hours a day. Every time they think about how much they hate you...you win. Every time they waste the kind of time and energy that it takes to destroy your reputation, or bump your shoulder in the hallway, or write the word âfaggotâ on your locker...thatâs their total submission to the idea that youâre a better person than theyâll EVER be. Every single minute that they take out of their own lives to try to wreck yours? Itâs a testament to how weak and pathetic they are. And you should probably take pride in that. Because, at the end of the day...youâre going to win anyway. And thatâs only going to piss them off even more, because theyâll never have that. Never.â
I sniffled a bit, still looking over my shoulder and checking for any of the other students walking past us to catch a random part of our conversation and vomit it out on the high school rumor mill the first chance they get. But, strangely enough, I donât think anybody cared. Maybe Iâm not on their radar at all. Hehehe! It was the perfect time to appreciate being unimportant and slightly unpopular in their eyes.
Heh...you have a way of making me feel like the king of the world sometimes, you know that?â I told him.
âI didnât make you do shit! Be a king! Fuck these petty little rodents, dude!â He said, puffing his chest out and slugging me in the arm. âLet them deal with their own shit on their own time. Iâm so sick of people acting like theyâre entitled to be seen as better than anyone else without actually having something of value to offer the world. Theyâre total TRASH, Ethan. You need to realize that. And you need to start ignoring their attempts to pretend that theyâll ever be anything more than that. The whole âfake it til you make itâ ideology is dead. We have the ability to see who these people really are, inside and out, in this day and age. And if they have nothing to offer? Fuck âem. Seriously. FUCK âEM!!! Spread love and wisdom and display your talent to have a positive impact on the world...or get the hell out of the way. Writing a hateful, homophobic slur on somebodyâs locker when theyâre not looking doesnât take any talent. Pretending to be a FAKE person online and trying to trick somebody doesnât make you special. Let these people fucking drown in their self hatred. Whoâs gonna miss them? They never had anything to offer anybody anyway. They know it. And now we know it too. So kick back and keep haunting their worst nightmares by being awesome and letting the rest of the world see it. K? Let them stand in a corner all alone, frustrated and mad, while everybody else circles up to enjoy your genius and beauty without the lies and bullshit. Itâs what they deserve.â
I didnât want to get too emotional from Jermaineâs motivational speech, even though I could feel the back of my throat closing up as tears welled up in my eyes. I didnât dare let them fall though. I just told my best friend that I was gay today. I didnât want to make a sissy out of myself. Not that crying was all that âsissyishâ...but you know...I still have some brainwashing that I have to work to shake off before I can claim to be on hundred percent comfortable with this whole thing.
âHehehe, you must really want a locker roommate.â I said, trying to laugh it off as my heart began to buzz with appreciation for Jermaineâs friendship in that moment.
âIâll be charging you rent.â He grinned. âBut your fee does come with a rather extensive âanti-faggotâ graffiti insurance policy. Just so you know.â
âSeems like that might come in handy, considering...â I smiled.
âWell, grab your stuff. Letâs go. I ainât got all day.â He joked.
But before walking over to my locker...labeled with that awful word, a feeble attempt to break me made by a coward who canât seem to stop thinking about me day and night...so TERRIFIED that I might be able to still be awesome, no matter what he did to try and stop it...I turned to give Jermaine a tight hug around his neck and hold him as the emotions within me caused me to tremble visibly as I allowed a few sanctioned tears to roll down my cheeks over his shoulder. âThank you, Jermaine. Seriously. Just...thanks for being a friend.â
I heard him sniffle a bit himself this time, but he tried to âman upâ shortly afterwards. âYouâre not gonna grab my ass or anything, are you?â
âHehehe, donât flatter yourself. You donât have much of an ass to grab, dude.â I said, letting him go and wiping my eyes.
âWhat theâŚ?â He looked over his shoulder, doing a full spin right there in front of me. âIâll have you know that I have a fabulous ass, thank you very much.â
I shook my head. âNo. Not really. It could use some work, dude.â I snickered. âNow Drew? Drew has a fabulous ass. An INCREDIBLE ass!â
Jermaineâs eyes widened, âAnd how would we know about THIS, Sir???â He gasped.
âDid you hear that? I think that was the bell. Time to go to class!â I giggled.
âNo no no no no! Donât you do that to me! EthanâŚ.dude, are you getting laid? Wait! Ethan!â
âIâll catch up with you later, Jermaine!â I said, walking away with my blush deepening beyond my ability to hide it.
âIâm not gonna just let you...donât you fucking DARE just...Ethan!â He called after me. âETHAN!!!! Iâm not going to let you leave me hanging like this! What the fuck, dude! ETHAN!!! Donât you walk away from me, Ethan! Donât you...ETHAN!!!â
It made me laugh to have him practically throwing a tantrum behind me, but once he ran to catch up to me, he decided to let it go. At least for now. Not that he didnât give me a few sinister looks over me being such a brat about the details. Hehehe, I would have thought that heâd be grossed out by the kinds of things that Drew and I have gotten up to since we first became boyfriends. The conversations that Billy and Joey had at the cafeteria table in the past, I was pretty convinced that the whole idea of two boys kissing each other was a taboo that was never ever meant to be discussed, no matter how close we were. I had been brainwashed to think that being gay...or hell, just being different in any way at all...was an abomination of the worst kind. A blasphemy that was certain to bring your life crumbling down into a state of utter destruction and ruin that no man could ever recover from. Instead...
...It was just a matter of my best friends making a five minute adjustment in how they thought of me...and then it was done. Just...like...done.
Wow...who could have seen that coming?
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Forum timezone: GMT-6 VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB: Before posting please read our privacy policy. VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems. Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved. |