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Date Posted: 11:33:25 02/24/10 Wed
Author: retyped for Zug Scatterbones
Subject: Short Story of Scatterbones and Scotsman

From the message in a bottle of Zug Scatterbones


14th February 2010 Valentines Day I received no cards but one and it was not of love it was from the boss and it told me to go tell True Scotsman that the seventh event was on the 31st March 2010 (I jumped in my car and headed up the west coast, raindrops thundered of the car, and the windshield wipers moved back and forth for hours on end, the sky turned dark then light then dark again and as I finally got 5 miles away from my destination the engine coughed and died, so I walked through the mud and indeed I went to the Scotsman cave and he was not there and neither was his belongings no Kilt dryer 2000 or a Bagpipe or his authentic Scottish ninja star all I found was a scrap of paper with the numbers 212 my mind began to race.
212…212 is the Fahrenheit water boils at but it is also the Telephone area code of New York City. New York City I asked myself but True Scotsman is not allowed to leave Scotland if he tried he would turn to pixie dust as that was great Sacrifice he had to take to become true when in 1995 he took the wrong turn at Bannockburn and found himself face to face with the Scots god the big red Banner Lion. But then I remembered
The empire state building is in NYC and who climbed the empire state building, King Kong and were did King Kong come from Skull Island…
What is another name for Skull Island? Allisa-Craig that’s were he must be!....but why? While is said this all out load an elderly women looked at me and mumbled through false teeth “F###ing idiot”
“JeZus!!! Who are you?” I shot back in this cave dwelling in the middle of nowhere on a stormy night there was little old lady she replied “the person calling you a fucking idiot.”
I then became the person slapping 5 shades of shit out of her…or was it 4? Anyhow I left the women raped and for dead and traveled back up the muddy road as the sun was rising.
Randomly I reached a small river and randomly floating down laughing were 2 kids
So I jumped in my new paddle boat and pushed the kids overboard I soon found myself in a large river and then open water and fighting the ferocious waves I peddled till the lactic Acid leaked from my pores after many hours which could have been days I arrived on the ship wrecked shores of Alisa Craig, and there I found True Scotsman engaged in battle with a Giant rat. He soon destroyed the hairy menace with his 100% authentic Scottish Numchucks with a few sweet moves copied from watching too much of Michelangelo of the mutant teenage ninja turtles when he was a child. I asked True Scotsman what he was doing. And he replied “looking for the lost treasure of B-Train it was said to be lost when JSD was bulldozed by an angry Smudge but I heard it was found and buried on this island”. “What is this treasure?” I had to ask
“A golden Mars-bar” he replied. I told him to forget the stupid treasure hunt and come to the seventh event on March 31st he asked if it was ok if I would change the date to the 32nd? So he had more time to hunt beforehand I said no. he asked why, I said I can’t change stuff you’re going to have to talk to the boss about that. Out of nowhere on the top of the hill King Kong’s Cousin Donkey Kong appeared and he threw a giant Barrel. It tumbling down the hill at a great speed and knocked me and Scotsman into the Sea.

I failed at swimming and so to does the True Scotsman so we climbed in the barrel and as of now I am stuck floating around the Atlantic paddling with arms in hope of reaching Scotland’s shore I’m afraid if we venture out of Scottish waters too far True Scotsman will indeed turn to dust. Although I wouldn’t mind his company is not the best I do no care for bagpipes or hearing in great detail how they are made, but if this nationalizing warrior of combat dies I will not get paid and henceforth not get laid. He also talks never endlessly about the golden mars bar the last thing as I slowly starve I want to here about is food even though I doubt a solid gold mars bar would be edible and to me that makes the treasure worthless.
I’m sending this Message in Scotsman’s old iron brew bottle in hopes someone will tell my tale...oh and if you have time call the coast fucking guard S.O.S etc please as I don’t feel like missing the seventh event or life in general.


Scatterbones

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