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Subject: letting go of the picket fence dream

Author:
anon

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Date Posted: 00:01:59 03/08/05 Tue
In reply to: Nicole 's message, "Ah, shoot..." on 09:58:07 03/06/05 Sun

i am 30 and i truly lived until age 28 as exactly that woman calculating how well each man would fit into my little perfect box waiting for him, how much of a white knight that my dad would approve of would he be and yes how would my kids look and what is his income and will i have to work too and will he cheat on me and blah blah blah blah ....and i truly stopped by the grace of God living in that prison that growing up the way i did taught me was right. Opening up sexually and opening into the practice of doing and living among others who were including all parts of themselves including all sorts of inappropriate and messy desires is what changed this viewpoint and allowed me to finally begin to give up anger at men and start to love them and want to know them for who they were not what i could get from them. It is a slow snail like journey i do not move through addictions fast... I got a newsflash seeing my sister erect her picket fence and marry her knight - i was destined to be just like my parents if I kept the viewpoint that there is some one and only to satisfy my everything and if i decided i would be unwilling to honor my desire moment by moment and unwilling to allow a partner to honor his to listen and learn from it.

This is funny because meanwhile i am no relationship guru! I have not lasted longer than a few month in a relationship because i am so scared of rejection so i run away first before anyone can even get close enough to feel me for longer than a few seconds! Then i cruise back in a month later or so and let someone in for a second. That richenss of intimacy is so confronting and so unfamiliar and what i so deeply have desired for so long perhaps lifetimes that when i feel it i do not love myself enough to have it so i run away , maybe some of those women were doing that?

I would not be surprised, i am so grateful though that there are men in my life that know that this is what women do run away and come back when they are able to have more love.... thanks for writing what is up for you- twas fun to read.

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