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Subject: perfection, delusion, and love

Author:
kristen

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Date Posted: 12:31:45 06/30/04 Wed

i wrote my friend Ali about my week ..want to share it
with you. Its essentially my latest journal entry...

Dear Ali

Things have decreased as far as drama goes. It is nice
to be in dramaless land. When I am in drama I think I
like it and I guess I must or I would not create it,
but then when it dies down and I see clearly I feel
more connected to others to my source and full of
love.

So here I am. Here is what I see. Yesterday this man I
have fallen in love with, seen God with, been God
with, explored compelling senses of the beautiful and
perfect with, and created fantasy with and about,
called and said "he need to take time for himself and
to handle practical matters and see his wife off to
LA(next Tuesday) " He welcomed me to continue to call
and write and communicate in any way I wanted to. And
said it would be possibly a week or more until he
would communicate.

My emotions are my emotions. I have practice in
cycling them through before communicating and rubbing
charge on innocent bystanders.

There is no such
thing as triggering others, we can only trigger
ourselves.

New territory I was standing on
had me thinking I was defenseless except with my run
away weapon. One time Nicole described a couple of
her friends who are no longer here and said that they
went and left energy of See you are going to MISS ME!
Just wait till you see how BAD it is going to be for
YOU!. Just you WAIT... You are really gonna miss
me...Arent you? YOU'LL SEE!

Inside i felt like i was going berserk with anger and
fear of losing
Bhagirit and my fantasy that I desperately wanted to
live in... Suddenly, I was not good enough. I wanted
to hurt him and his wife for supposedly hurting me
only i was the only one hurting anyone! Making it all
up for attention.

I just had the thought that possibly people's
resistances are for the purpose of reassuring them
selves of their imperfection or maybe of their
perfection.

I was so mad so scared and so I created that I was
hurt, that he was mad and that I was victim and then
made sure to tell him I knew I was not a victim!

Today his wife communicated a loving clear accepting
email. It felt really good to get more detail as to
what she wants with her life and her relationships.

Bhagirit communicated via email with an angry response
which was spawned because I got drunk last night and
communicated over email and said things about how hurt
and angry I was and why...I was very dramatic and
desperately wanted attention. The part of me that was
so starving came up, someone had just served me foie
gras for twenty days straight with apple pie for
dessert. And now they were giving me not even rocks
or a bed to put them on. I was getting nothing.
Nothing sweet. I was starving.

My story as victim fit in perfectly with every
experience I ever
created. Everything I ever created as my
reality sewn together into anger at a man I love who
is hurting me and leaving me soon, who is not to be
trusted, who is playing king and putting me as
subservient and hungry for him, who is playing the
power button, and who is lying to me and not being
truthful. Every movie I ever saw, every friend's dad
who was cheating on his wife. All these ...tying
THREAT and DISTRUST tighter and more deeply into my
gut.

A grim reality, especially considering that there was
not any candy to begin with except what I assigned as
such in my mind.

"Create an idea to support more disillusion..." Why?
TO protect some part of ourselves...

Tonight Nicole asked me if I ever created "in love "
sensations to feel out of control. I said I notice
that now it is a new way I am using to create out of
control. Immeditately upone answering her question,
I judged myself for doing that.

At the group last night we played the "Create yourself
as perfect." (oh yeah...i began to open a smigeon)

Then she asked, "Is there anything you can think of
compelling enough to shed all delusion?"

I said, "I had the thought earlier today that love is
worth it."

Her questions always seem to acknowledge why she is a
teacher for me. One step ahead of me and right there
with me at the same time...

Goodbye, love
k

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