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| Subject: after the last course... | |
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Author: kristen |
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Date Posted: 01:20:13 07/02/04 Fri After the last course I had this beautiful experience, and i didnt know the chatboard address back then so i wrote a journal entry but did not post it. I want to post it now so that i share this great experience i had. Here it is..........I write this morning simply to let you know I feel so grateful for the experience I had yesterday. I didnt pop until this morning and last night was me beating myself up for being dramatic and beating myself up for not just giving it up. And not having given it up already - BUT today, I experienced something so beautiful. It was with Joshua. I had so many judgements I was living in yesterday (our lifestyle is wrong, maybe i really DO just want monogoamy, it is too difficult to go this route, they dont really understand, they are just a different breed of people than I am) . Really ever since Bhagirit was here I have been lying to myself that i have been practicing letting him go. All i have been thinking is HE IS THE ONE (i planned who would be at my wedding!) And this morning i was miserable and could not feel my body at all and all i wanted was to eat sugar. And i saw Josh and he was making loud sounds like he burped and it was early and i felt grossed out by him and kept being judgemental. And then i got to the point in my room where i knocked over my Zen garden and all the white sand landed all over the floor and in my books and in my candles and cds and i just saw myself. Not giving it up. And i crouched down on the floor (by the way i have my period and have been thinking i should just DO myself and then i keep forgetting and have not done it and have had no dates in all week. Anyway there i was crouched down just slowly cleaning up the sand, no energy, stuck.... And then i saw Josh and he walked into my doorway and suddenly all my judgements vanished and even for a moment drama vanished. We started pressing our bodies against one another and he slowly gently started to squeeze my ass on both sides and i felt all the energy i had been holding in my throat and it started to hurt and I started doing all my drama and he said you can just stop and feel it. Just be present with me. That is the nicest gift you can give me. And i wavered and then just looked into his eyes and started to feel. And let go and space between my shoulder blades opened and i realized i was incredibly thirsty. We moved into my room, i guzzled some water and then asked him to lay down with me. We ended up hanging out on my bed, in the most intimate space we have yet experienced. I got to see myself go in and out of drama back and forth gently easing out of it into the sensation between us. You should have SEEN Josh. He was so beautiful. At one point his hazel eyes were just staring at me and he had just asked me to suck his cock. He was looking at me with his eyes piercing and i started coming just looking up at him. As if we were in the act itself yet we were fully clothed and just imagining it. I had to get going to my parents for Fathers Day and felt the disgust and slut barriers that i had. I didnt feel the need to ignore those barriers. I just sat in the sensation with him and then we said goodbyes.As he left he became blazing sexy rock star frat boy and i was euphoric teeny bopper in love with him and the music was blaring beautiful melodic sounds and the light was shining in on us. I had the thought of wanting to just roll on my bed all day alone and daydream and fantasize about my new frat boy boyfriend~ It is such a gift that i could show up at a course given to me gratis and be gifted the way i was yesterday... I feel so nourished. K [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
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