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| Subject: the day after the caper.....until now.. | |
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Author: Kristen |
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Date Posted: 17:59:39 07/04/04 Sun In reply to: Nicole 's message, "Perfect" on 10:33:29 07/04/04 Sun The day after the caper experience (i am going to call it the caper experience because it most certainly had a life of its own and is still living and growing)... So the day after was a continuated sense of unwinding and unravelling for me. I really felt throughout that day that i had been transformed. At a certain point in the day, I recalled things Nicole said as we ladies sat on the bed having Pelligrino in champagne glasses, together. She had just sat up and sort of come to after lying back on a pillow breathing in the kidnap/arrival into the spa soiree lounge environment where the ladies were awaiting to take her in." She sat up and opened her eyes and said, "we need to be extra good to eachother right now. Pause. Yeah, when it tight like right now, we need to be extra careful to be good to one another. And when it is loose, that is the time when we need to be extra good to ourselves. That is the time when you are more likely to implode." It spoke to me. The message, I have made sure to live loosely with some sort of gameplan to remain in control. And some sort of huge recognition of the anger that was running my control games. And then she smiled and lit up and said," Now we can lead from anywhere, not just from our sensuality. All channels are open." I thought about how i have been with enrollment. Especially when I enroll men. I really want them to get what is possible for them but I dont want to tell it to them by using my own sensuality to get us there. I want to have that as an option but not the lead or only choice. I want to be deliberate about where my energy is coming from and where it is landing. How this impact the person i am talking to and how fun it is when i am deliberate! How much more fun it is for both of us, for all people involved. So that day after the caper experience, I felt myself loving myself more moment to moment than i have in months. I stayed with some really intense sensations that arose and passed away in my body. I just let them be there. Money stuff, relationship stuff, areas I dont necessarily want to LEAN INTO. But on Friday there was a blanket of love around me. That is how it felt around my surfaces. I imagine we as a family weaved a blanket together that night. Even the friends in the other house, It was all of us creating this plnaket. This vast taperstry that is growing and getting more and more vibrant more colorful, more soft. And we did it a(and we are doing it) by being willing to be together more and more intimately. The blanket(that is really there always) was wrapped around me the whole next day. At least i was willing to remember. Until late at night when i started to feel feelings that i did not like and were uncomfortable. Which is when it seems to be most difficult for me to remember my connection to my friends. Which is when it is most challenging for me to choose to love myself. On Friday though I also remembered how Nicole defined intimacy as the willingness to love yourself in the presence of another human being. And today the new opportunities for new choices has looked like me following my food program and reaping some good rewards. Like a good conversation with Josh about how it really is and what feels good to us and what is so. And the bookkeeping session with Laura. Here is a little bit on the fun that I had with Laura. Sunday afternoon: Laura and I sit down on the futon in the living room to do some bookkeeping. Its about 1pm and the house is bustling. Rons boys blaring Bill and ted's Excellent Adventures, Ron fixing the new water filter in the sink, Kevin painting the stairwell, Becca on her way out the door, Raquel planning her Target trip, Ray looking at photos of yesterdays session, and Josh and Taosha cruising in and about. All this action and me and Laura in our own world, beginning to look at what the money was, where we were and where we needed to be. It was ALOT. A lot of sensation. I start to get tired, and the tiredness grows and grows. Life looks bleak, really my whole mind takes over into darkness. I want to go to bed. I want to howl. Thoughts of money and jobs and other people's money and other peoples jobs and PG& E and Copmcast and Paint and Donna the landlord and reimbursements and reconciliations and other expenses after expenses. We're going up!!!!!!!!! There is this point where i am so confronted, so full of energy that felt like lead. I have trouble breathing. I am incredibly thirsty. I stop and deliberately close my eyes and begin to gently breathe. I place my hand on my heart. Laura says, Yeah its a lot, we are holding all the energy around money for the house. So, right then, together the experience we had was one of plunging head first into a giant wave. And letting it take us. I had my hand on my heart, pressing into my sternum and i just breathed it in. Thoughts vanished. Sensation opened up around my heart, i put my head back and breathed out. Then my pussy started to come undone and i could feel all the energy that my heart, head and throat were holding, slowly spread down and out into my sides, my belly felt glossy and free. I became one with the couch and with Laura and opened my eyes and the room was brighter. Really bright, and i started writing the check out to Rob for the whole house's rent and I was pressing the pen into the check and so present with each letter and each number. I looked at Laura and she was clear. It had been three hours. We were done. I spoke, "I didnt know i could go over doing bookkeeping! " We started laughing. And laughing ... And laughing.... It was really grounding to get the numbers on paper. And really fun to bond with Laura in this way. We looked up at the clock and it was after four. We had been sitting there on the fourth of July for over three hours! We acknowledged how good we are doing with stepping in together to create this new system and have everyone win. I love my life again i am saying it. I just really do. Happy fourth of July. Happy independence day. I am not too into the idea of INDEPENDENCE though today. Kristen [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
| Subject | Author | Date |
| Reflections on Landing Home | Becca | 09:35:17 07/05/04 Mon |
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