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Date Posted: 09:08:33 12/08/06 Fri
Author: Hope
Author Host/IP: 71-212-249-126.hlrn.qwest.net / 71.212.249.126
Subject: Hope Update

First of all let me extend me deepest sorrow for all the pain many of you have recently endured. How sad and horrible that we must suffer like this. My prayer is that all of us here find that balance in our lives in the coming years that makes it all worth it. It does feel like some of us get more challenges but I have this mantra I tell myself about God not giving us more than we can handle. I've come to doubt that very much but just in case I've begged to be carried for a while.

I have been fast paced and crazy these past months. With my commute and life issues I don't have ANY time for the computer any more except when I am work and I sneak a quick peak at email. So I apologize for being behind in my support and connection.

My husband who was in remission from alcoholism for 8 years went into a major backslide this past year and it finally cumulated to me taking him to the hospital for withdrawal symptoms. He had hit bottom. He may lose his job which has me FREAKED but I'm trying to just stay in the moment, odaat etc. He also has pnemonia so he's bedridden for a few days. He refused to stay in the hospital. He plans to go to meeeting as soon as he can get out of bed and stay upright for more than a few moments.

Danny has been undergoing intensive research for his issues. I still have one more blood test to rule out chromosomal issues. He continues to express his feminine side and I want to rule out an extra x. But the good news is that he is not on the spectrum as I had feared. He has ADHD (pretty severe) and extreme anxiety. So far they don't think bipolar but they say that could always show up in pueberty (great something else to worry about lol). We will have a plan for support at school and for now we are opting to hold off on meds but I'm not sure if we can do it for long.

I was feeling very desperate and S. I was in bad shape. I was breaking down at work and couldn't keep it together. Wondering why I hate myself so much that I pick situations whereby I have to take care of everything (all my men lose their jobs lol). I feel like I can only be loved that way. Unfortunately I don't think I can change at my age but I can be more aware and make better future decisions. For now, I can learn to deal with the consequences of prior ones with a bit of grace and acceptance. I upped my meds and am feeling a bit better.

Again, I am sorry for being absent so long. I don't know when I'll have a chance to visit again. I woke up early this morning and it's been really nice having this "me" time.

Love,

Hope

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