| Subject: Re: I hate myself |
Author:
mrsk
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Date Posted: 14:12:49 09/16/04 Thu
In reply to:
lara
's message, "Re: I hate myself" on 13:08:57 09/16/04 Thu
>sorry for all the typos. I just am not in the mood to
>care...
>I just am tired of everything... I am tired of
>fighting to be "normal," which I know I'm not and can
>never be...
>
>>I hate who I am, I hate what ana has done to my
>>head... I just am so fucken tired of trying to be
>>normal and eat. I don't want to anymore. I feel gross.
>>I just don't want to keeo fighting this. I just want
>>to be happy, and not care anymore. I had a completely
>>horrible day today: I don't like eating in the dinning
>>hall, so I take food back to my room. here no one can
>>watch me eat. I get enough stares, I don't want to
>>have to stay and eat in front of the student body. The
>>problem is all I can eat there is from the salad bar (
>>I go once a day) and if I am to get any calories I
>>have to take A LOT of salad–lettuce, cucumbers,
>>sometimes califlower, cut fruit, and beets. And
>>again, I don't want to eat there–I feel like a pig–so,
>>I put the food in bags and take them back to my room,
>>which is not aloud... So today here I am with a tray
>>piled high with lettuce, one bag full of cucumbers,
>>and one of the heaf chefs comes over to basically tell
>>me I am fucked. He was really nice about it, but that
>>dosen't make it any better... already know that I
>>look like a fool. I already know that everyone in
>>that fucken dining hall is giving me dirty looks and
>>gossiping behind my back. I already know that I am a
>>screw up... Even worse is that I am a member of a
>>group that goes to the dining hall and other local
>>businesses after hours to pick up the food that would
>>be thrown away; we then diler it to shelters. This is
>>a new thing that started this year but now I fear that
>>the cooks, chefs, and employies at the d hall are
>>going to think I am taking that food for myself and
>>not for those in real need. The food we collect after
>>hours is stuff I would never touch–hot fatening food–I
>>never in two years got hot food for myself. I always
>>go straight to the salad bar...
>>I want to still do my work with the group, but now it
>>is like eveyone will be watching me, if they weren't
>>already. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I
>>have been making myself eat for almost 6 years now. I
>>have kept myself out of the hospital, after the 2nd
>>inpatient treatment and learning of my osteoporosis...
>> But fuck it. I'm sorry for swearing, but I just don't
>>waht to do anymore.
Lara,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope that you start feeling better. Dont worry about what anyone else thinks.
mrsk
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