| Subject: Re: I hate myself |
Author:
lara
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Date Posted: 13:08:57 09/16/04 Thu
In reply to:
lara
's message, "I hate myself" on 13:03:16 09/16/04 Thu
sorry for all the typos. I just am not in the mood to care...
I just am tired of everything... I am tired of fighting to be "normal," which I know I'm not and can never be...
>I hate who I am, I hate what ana has done to my
>head... I just am so fucken tired of trying to be
>normal and eat. I don't want to anymore. I feel gross.
>I just don't want to keeo fighting this. I just want
>to be happy, and not care anymore. I had a completely
>horrible day today: I don't like eating in the dinning
>hall, so I take food back to my room. here no one can
>watch me eat. I get enough stares, I don't want to
>have to stay and eat in front of the student body. The
>problem is all I can eat there is from the salad bar (
>I go once a day) and if I am to get any calories I
>have to take A LOT of salad–lettuce, cucumbers,
>sometimes califlower, cut fruit, and beets. And
>again, I don't want to eat there–I feel like a pig–so,
>I put the food in bags and take them back to my room,
>which is not aloud... So today here I am with a tray
>piled high with lettuce, one bag full of cucumbers,
>and one of the heaf chefs comes over to basically tell
>me I am fucked. He was really nice about it, but that
>dosen't make it any better... already know that I
>look like a fool. I already know that everyone in
>that fucken dining hall is giving me dirty looks and
>gossiping behind my back. I already know that I am a
>screw up... Even worse is that I am a member of a
>group that goes to the dining hall and other local
>businesses after hours to pick up the food that would
>be thrown away; we then diler it to shelters. This is
>a new thing that started this year but now I fear that
>the cooks, chefs, and employies at the d hall are
>going to think I am taking that food for myself and
>not for those in real need. The food we collect after
>hours is stuff I would never touch–hot fatening food–I
>never in two years got hot food for myself. I always
>go straight to the salad bar...
>I want to still do my work with the group, but now it
>is like eveyone will be watching me, if they weren't
>already. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I
>have been making myself eat for almost 6 years now. I
>have kept myself out of the hospital, after the 2nd
>inpatient treatment and learning of my osteoporosis...
> But fuck it. I'm sorry for swearing, but I just don't
>waht to do anymore.
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