| Subject: THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! |
Author:
lara
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Date Posted: 17:27:22 09/18/04 Sat
In reply to:
red_candle
's message, "Re: I hate myself" on 21:21:12 09/16/04 Thu
As you all must have noticed from my post, I had a mental breakdown...
After posting I emailed my friend Beckie. The thing is she knows me–I don't need to explain myself to her–she knows my history. Beckie and I met in the hospital 6 years ago... We hadn't seen eachother in over 5 yrs., but now that we are both at school (me=sophmore in college, her=just started law school) we are so-- close to eachother. So, we had been planning to get together. Still, we were both anxious of the other's reaction to our current situations with our EDs, and body weights... Anyway, she called me that night–I was falling apart– and we talked... I haven't beent alking to anyone; she hasn't been either. And it was just what I needed:Someone that wasn't going to judge, someone that just knows...
She changed her plans and came to visit me yesturday. It helped so much. I feel "better." She was doing really well until recently. She is starting to restrict again, but she is conscious of it. I am still struggling as I have been...
Anyway, thank you all for your advice...
I talked to the head chef today about my situation, and he was so understanding. He urged me to keep doing the group! I also ate in the cafeteria (with everone staring) and I survived!
love you all,
I was really falling apart,
thank you,
lara
He urged me to keep doing the group!
>>I hate who I am, I hate what ana has done to my
>>head... I just am so fucken tired of trying to be
>>normal and eat. I don't want to anymore. I feel gross.
>>I just don't want to keeo fighting this. I just want
>>to be happy, and not care anymore. I had a completely
>>horrible day today: I don't like eating in the dinning
>>hall, so I take food back to my room. here no one can
>>watch me eat. I get enough stares, I don't want to
>>have to stay and eat in front of the student body. The
>>problem is all I can eat there is from the salad bar (
>>I go once a day) and if I am to get any calories I
>>have to take A LOT of salad–lettuce, cucumbers,
>>sometimes califlower, cut fruit, and beets. And
>>again, I don't want to eat there–I feel like a pig–so,
>>I put the food in bags and take them back to my room,
>>which is not aloud... So today here I am with a tray
>>piled high with lettuce, one bag full of cucumbers,
>>and one of the heaf chefs comes over to basically tell
>>me I am fucked. He was really nice about it, but that
>>dosen't make it any better... already know that I
>>look like a fool. I already know that everyone in
>>that fucken dining hall is giving me dirty looks and
>>gossiping behind my back. I already know that I am a
>>screw up... Even worse is that I am a member of a
>>group that goes to the dining hall and other local
>>businesses after hours to pick up the food that would
>>be thrown away; we then diler it to shelters. This is
>>a new thing that started this year but now I fear that
>>the cooks, chefs, and employies at the d hall are
>>going to think I am taking that food for myself and
>>not for those in real need. The food we collect after
>>hours is stuff I would never touch–hot fatening food–I
>>never in two years got hot food for myself. I always
>>go straight to the salad bar...
>>I want to still do my work with the group, but now it
>>is like eveyone will be watching me, if they weren't
>>already. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I
>>have been making myself eat for almost 6 years now. I
>>have kept myself out of the hospital, after the 2nd
>>inpatient treatment and learning of my osteoporosis...
>> But fuck it. I'm sorry for swearing, but I just don't
>>waht to do anymore.
>
>
>lara,
>im really sorry to hear about what happened.
>personally though, i dont think you did anything
>wrong. the only reason you were taking that stuff in
>bags is because you cant eat in front of people... not
>beause you were trying to steal from the cafeteria
>(which, may i add, many people do even after eating
>thier fill while in the dining hall. myself included,
>i have taken fruit to go many times) and anyways, so
>what!?!? i figure, we are paying exorbatent amts of
>money to go to these schools the least they could do
>was let us eat/take what we want. i think your
>motives were very pure and it's not your problem if
>other people dont understand your situation... also, i
>think its awesome that you do that program to bring
>the extra food to those who need it. i say if anyone
>gives you crap about it, and you feel pressure to
>explain yourself, just tell them the truth: that you
>cant eat in front of people and weren't trying to do
>any harm. also, stick with the group!! quitting
>would only make you look like you are guilty of
>something, which you're not. you are a really great
>girl who deserve lots of happiness and only good
>things; i can tell!!!
>tomorrow will be a better day.
>
>xoxo
>nicole
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